As an outsider what can one do to protect their loved one?

Answer 1

In general, almost nothing. If you have hard evidence regarding a planned, or attempted crime (battering, assault, and, in many places, stalking and harrassment are crimes) - report it to the police. That's just about it, as far as the law goes.

Of course, depending on your relationship with the abused, you can extend a helping hand, support, empathy, and effective help.

To read about how the system pathologizes the victim, and how society condones abuse - or conveniently ignores it, see the external links further down this page.

I am going to asume your her mother for this answer. From the point of view of the abused woman herself, the worst thing my family did was say things to me that would make me defensive as it only isolated me more from the influence of some one outside the "box" of abuse. It is a thin line to tread to help the loved one, you need to be in her life regularly, help her see outside the box he likes her to live in. Offer informed options for her without pressure, often there are more reasons than love that keep her there, dependance mostly, even the children. Show her she can be independent by keeping her feeling good about herself and help her to believe in her choices that have been good foe her. At some point it will be confronting and she may become defensive, I guess the impotant thing to remember is to be honest with her, not angry with her.. she has him angry at her often enough, you are probably the only escape from him she has in her mind because he has likely made it hard for her to continue keeping friends. It is hard for her, in your mind it may seem like there is a simple way to fix things- leave, but it is rarely that simple in her mind. Goodluck, it is a hard thing to do to help a loved one see a situation for what it is.

Be a friend to the victim and carefully tell her/him that the situation is not normal. Beware not to show any approval or disapproval when the abuser can see or hear it because either this will encourage the abuse or disapproval will cause the abuser to isolate the victim from you as you are seen as "bad influence".

You have to be very careful... The abused person is probably very ashamed for staying in the relationship and allowing herself to be treated so badly. She will fear that you are judging her and will avoid you. You have to let her know that you have faith that she will do what's right for her. You have to believe in her and let her know this. She needs all the confidence and support she can get. If you come on strong she will RUN big time so please do not do that. This has to be HER decision. You can quote statistics to her all day and it won't work. She will just want you to shut up. You have to let her know that you will be there to help WHEN SHE IS READY and not put any pressure on her. If she leaves him don't go nuts jumping for joy. This will hurt her feelings. She WILL be feeling a loss at that point and will need to mourn the loss of her dream that the relationship would work out. Do not punish or reject her unless you want to drive her closer to her abuser. Do not lecture. She doesn't need it. She already knows something is wrong and will take it as criticism. She will be embarrassed for the situation she's gotten herself into. She will be hard enough on herself for not paying attention to red flags and for having false hopes.