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It is very difficult to confront these issues when the person responsible is not ready to do or cannot do so or plain shys away from it. I also understand the difference between knowing it mentally and actually feeling it. In my case, I blocked it all completely out of memory until i went to visit and returned from the visit. I am now able to recall details of the physical and verbal abuse and I am now feeling the emotions that go with it. I have read a lot about forgiveness and how it might help. But I believe that to be a gradual process. Counseling has helped me unravel some of these feelings, so that I can process them. I also encourage keeping of a journal of the memories that you recall and being able to write down any kind of feelings that come with the memories.

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I find it just talking is difficult because it is about family matters. What if your family does not have the right kind of communication skills to confront such past memories? My family is typically conservative where sex, abuse, and other issues are only superficially mentioned. My parents have grown and changed since I left for college but the damage still remains among us, children. They don't abuse anymore or at least they are far more aware of it but the conservative ways hasn't really changed. These horrible experiences, invisible unlike physical abuse, comes to destroy people from the inside out. When you lack the social support group, because most friends do not understand or are not willing to confront that kind of reality, it becomes extremely difficult to ever confront them. I have no such strength at the moment and I'm looking for a first step towards healing from the verbal abuse but I often hit dead end roads and psychiatrists that never believe me. So I mention it or hint at things of my past to my friends but I often get dead silences on the other end. Above all being male makes it more difficult because there is so little oral communication and expression compared to women. I want to confront my parents but I don't know how to get over that wall. I also think there's a major difference between understand mentally and emotionally. I understand almost everything mentally but emotionally I haven't moved. Any advice or links where I can get help?

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It's really hard. believe me, I know. being called a hoe. of fat. or slut. Your best bet is to talk to them. Let it all out one day when your angry. that's how I did.

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I suggest to try to sit down with your parent and let them know that what they have done has really hurt you and that you would really appreciate if they would respect you enough to not do it anymore. And if they are angry with you to try to calm down and talk to you. I feel that yelling at them is not the answer and that it might escalate the problem even further.

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Hey I saw the question and I knew I needed to post. I have been abused since childhood and it is still continuing, although I'm trying to get the court to recognize my father as abusive. He is incapable of recognizing his actions as abusive, therefore I can't reason with him about why I believe him to be. He won't go to counseling. (he's been to 2 different people and gotten the same response) Sometimes the abuser is so blinded that you have to get another person involved. The psychiatrist I'm currently going to has told me I am being abused. I'm still in the process of trying to figure out where to go from here with court and everything. My dad thinks everything is my fault. He can't understand why I dont want to visit him. I just wanted to post because everyone apparently thinks confronting a parent about abuse is as simple as talking to them. My advice is to go directly to someone who can legally help you. I know where you're coming from.

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This can be very difficult, to say the least. It would be great if you had sisters and brothers to bear witness. The first thing an abusive person does is deny it happened the "way you remember" An abuser feels the "need" to have power over someone else. That's why rape is NOT about SEX, but CONTROL. Verbal abusers are just as bad. They Need emotional control, which also does great amounts of damage to a child. To confront them, I would ask a brother or a sister to go with me to a prearranged visit to mom and dad's. The sibling, being there for emotional support, could also back the abused person's memory. Many abusers are in denial; or they simply try to justify what they did and say "it wasn't THAT bad"... BUT, if you have no siblings, find a childhood friend that maybe witnessed some verbal abuse in your home. THEN I would ask my parents to come over for coffee or go there for a visit, bringing your witness with you. Then, have a long talk about how the past has affected you live. You need to get it off your chest, and ask them WHY. Be prepared for them to deny it, or try to blame it on you. OR, they might sincerely apologize and have "seen the error of their ways". Whatever happens, I think you will be able to "get it out of your system" and be happy that you finally confronted their past actions. Confrontation may have a cathartic effect, and make you feel empowered, thereby reducing your stress level. I hope this point of view is helpful and things get better. You can do it, it may seem hard to do but if you can get up the courage to do it then you can confront them.

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I definitely know what you are talking about when you say that you're dad doesn't even recognize being abusive. I have never confronted my dad about things that he has done that I know are abusive, and I can't even be mean to him and I hate myself for it. I don't live at home anymore, but I just think about the past all the time, and I don't think it was until I moved away that I realized that physical or verbal abuse is not a natural reaction for everyone when they get angry. Last summer when I was home my dad attacked me so I am never going to live at home again but I just hate that he doesn't even realize why because I just make up fake reasons for why I'm not going home this summer. I have never said anything about the way he acts, and it drives me crazy that he doesn't even know how much he has hurt me. I just want to scream and scream and scream. My family deals with conflict by joking about it and my dads out burst are just an ongoing joke instead of being taken seriously, it just makes me so mad that he still doesn't realize he did anything wrong and if you asked him right now he could still justify hitting me or my mom or whoever its all about control. I wish I had the guts to confront my parents - my dad for being abusive, and my mom for never admitting it.

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Confronting the parent may be useless. I've done this to my own, they ignored it, and continued the abuse. It was completely useless. I've made my parent aware that what they're doing isn't right and that they are emotionally abusing me, but they could care less. They continue to call me fat (when I'm actually thin), stupid (I'm one of the smartest people my age), worthless, incompetent, and nothing I ever do is good enough for them. Not only that but I remain the scapegoat of my family for I can't leave yet (no money, no place to stay, no transportation, and I can't leave my sister to be what I am in the family, for I'm the only one strong enough to take it). I'm not allowed to do anything outside of school, and I'm never good enough for them. If anything, talking to my parent made it worse, not better.

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Be Brave my friend, Blessed be.You don't. Just glow online and talk it out to people who don't care. Hey, it works for me.

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I had to add something to these answers. I'm 59 years old and was abused from the time I was 2 until I left home at 19, and then whenever I saw my family, until I finally stopped seeing them at age 25.

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Someone wrote above that their parents don't even know they are doing it or that there is another way to behave. I was the scapegoat and blamed for everything. My mother told me almost every day that she wished I was never born. She told everyone I had a tape worm because she hardly fed me. I tried to commit suicide by the time I was 6 or 7.

Today, finally, I realize that it was not about me, but it took years and years and years. The fact that I can query this topic and add to the discussion is proof to me that I have finally exorcised their poisonous pedagogy and expelled the horrible seed they planted in me that it was my fault. My issue now is, after having stayed away for many years in order to literally save my life, and not really being able to get far enough away from it, I forgave my mother. I had to deal with her and my sister. My father is dead (thankfully). I don't understand, but I am grateful she showed me how I never want to be and I realized her total ignorance and stupidity. Now I'm faced with her aging and wondering what is the humane and ethical thing to do, under the circumstances. What are my responsibilities to her and to myself, so that health and true healing occur, not false resolution that would only make me sicker and do society no favor by allowing a lie to continue.

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I confronted her on and off over the years before I finally left. When I forgave her, she apologized and treats me as well as she can, but she still is who she is. Our ongoing relationship has afforded me the possibility to confront and protect myself from an abusive and simpleminded person on a case by case basis, one day at a time. She was the template, the original perpetrator's biggest fear.

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Holding my own with her and not abusing her back has given me a measure of confidence and success. However, now she is weak and needs help. I find myself not wanting to see her at all. For any reason. I don't want to give her any more of my precious time and energy. I wonder what the best thing is to do. I suppose I'll just have to live through this question.

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13y ago
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13y ago

yes, if you are being abused by a parent then you shall confront them and tell them how you feel. a child shall be dicsiplined and not abused for it is very wrong. always tell the parent/ guardien what they are doing wrong. theyll change. but it also depends on the type of parent.

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Q: How do you confront a parent who has emotionally abused you?
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