What would you like to do?
Here are a few of the things the narcissist finds devastating:
Any statement or fact, which seems to contradict his inflated perception of his grandiose self. Any criticism, disagreement, exposure of fake achievements, belittling of "talents and skills" which the narcissist fantasizes that he possesses, any hint that he is subordinated, subjugated, controlled, owned or dependent upon a third party. Any description of the narcissist as average and common, indistinguishable from many others. Any hint that the narcissist is weak, needy, dependent, deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive, gullible, susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, a victim.
The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these and, in an effort to re-establish his fantastic grandiosity, he is likely to expose facts and stratagems he had no conscious intention of exposing.
The narcissist reacts with narcissistic rage, hatred, aggression, or violence to an infringement of what he perceives to be his entitlement. Any insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct declaration that the narcissist is not special at all, that he is average, common, not even sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest will inflame the narcissist.
Tell the narcissist that he does not deserve the best treatment, that his needs are not everyone's priority, that he is boring, that his needs can be catered to by an average practitioner (medical doctor, accountant, lawyer, psychiatrist), that he and his motives are transparent and can be easily gauged, that he will do what he is told, that his temper tantrums will not be tolerated, that no special concessions will be made to accommodate his inflated sense of self, that he is subject to court procedures, etc. - and the narcissist will lose control.
Contradict, expose, humiliate, and berate the narcissist ("You are not as intelligent as you think you are", "Who is really behind all this? It takes sophistication which you don't seem to have", "So, you have no formal education", "you are (mistake his age, make him much older) ... sorry, you are ... old", "What did you do in your life? Did you study? Do you have a degree? Did you ever establish or run a business? Would you define yourself as a success?", "Would your children share your view that you are a good father?", "You were last seen with a Ms. ... who is (suppressed grin) a cleaning lady (in demeaning disbelief)".
Be equipped with absolutely unequivocal, first rate, thoroughly authenticated and vouched for information.
"Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" Lidija Rangelovska Narcissus Publications
Sounds like your brother may have the key here, if you can somehow establish a dialogue. Perhaps you could begin by emailing short, non-threatening (chatty, humorous maybe, unrelated to family troubles) notes. If you get a few responses, maybe meet for coffee somewhere, etc. If you can establish a rapport (I know you've probably tried before) he may tell you what he knows about the influence your sister exerted and at least refrain from telling lies on her behalf. Was your father mentally incompetent? Can this be shown? If not, you may have to hope for pressure from your brother to get sis to be more fair about the will. Good luck.
177 people found this useful
Was this answer useful?
Thanks for the feedback!
The same rules apply wherever you find a narcissist in your life. You need to educate yourself about this personality type. Create emotional distance. You need to strengthen …your ability to detach yourself from them in all ways. You need to learn not to waste your time trying to correct them or change the way they act. You can only change yourself and grow stronger. Don't let them define you. Create boundaries. You need to learn to not be drawn in to arguments so that you can be blamed as being part of the problem. Don't let them "push your buttons". Turn your buttons off and they may eventually leave you alone. Define your limits. Do not allow them to disrespect you, "tell you off", criticize you, or goad you into an argument. Learn to walk away. Do not share information with them. Do not share your plans, dreams, goals, secrets, worries, or any other private information. They will use that knowledge against you. Do not let them into your personal life. Have your own friends so they won't have the opportunity to undermine your other relationships. Minimize your time with your narcissist. Do not expect them to change. Do not expect support from other family members. You must learn that you may not be able to depend on support from other family members for many reasons. They may not be the focus of the narcissists behavior to the same degree as you. They may find it easier to give in rather than deal with the behavior. They may fail to recognize the problem on purpose in order to avoid the responsibility of dealing with it. They may not have the strength of character to deal with the narcissist effectively and that's what you need to find in yourself in order to move on with your own life. See the following helpful advice by contributors, related links, and the discussion page for anecdotal information from contributors. Gain independence- this is one way to win after coping with negative feelings. it starts with you; you choose your company! Go to a local church or several churches and speak to your pastor and ministry to help you or talk to someone you trust.My experience with narcissistic personality disorder in my family is that boundaries seem to be a fluid thing for them. Going no contact on your part does not necessarily stop them from contacting you. Sometimes it just fuels a narcissistic rage. They have no capacity for introspection so will never recognize, understand or change their behavior. Fortunately, they are predictable. So once you define their methods: gaslighting, passive-aggression, bullying, etc., you are more capable of defending yourself against the onslaught. One of my most helpful responses is, "how unfortunate for you". Confrontation is never effective. It's like asking a blind man to see. But there really is no response to the "unfortunate" statement.I think getting into therapy would help all of us. It helped me. A therapist helped me to see how I was acting in response to my narcissistic sister in unhealthy patterns. You can't change the narcissist but you can change yourself. My sister finally realized I was not going to participate with her games. I now love her from afar and am so much happier. I also never discuss her with my mom who is one of her enablers. I once asked my therapist if she treated many narcissists. Her reply was; "Sadly no, they don't think they need help, I just treat their victims".I think you keep your expectations low. You can have fun with a narcissistic sibling, but you can't do much disagreeing with him or her, so you can't expect to achieve real closeness. Someone who cuts you off or jumps down your throat when you so much as raise an eyebrow is someone you have a one-dimensional relationship with, and since it's you who are in his/her world, you had better hope it's at least entertaining. Draw your boundaries fiercely and demand reasonable treatment as soon as you are able. The sibling may understand this and respect you for it eventually, though he/she will be shocked at first. After that, the going is easier.Narcissists are narcissists, whatever their role in your life -- mother, father, spouse, son, sibling, neighbor, colleague, or boss. They are so homogeneous and predictable. You have to decide if you want to stay in touch, however minimal, or if you are ready to disconnect.If you want to have any kind of relationship (not in the true sense of the word) with a sibling who is a narcissist, you'll need to be the one to do the compromising. With my younger sister, I need to space out my visits, realize that I will leave tired and with a headache, prepare myself to listen to a non-stop stream of complaints and criticism, and generally feel as if the life has been sucked out of me. I do this because I want to have a true relationship with my niece and nephew who have suffered a lot of verbal abuse from my sister over the years to show the children that not all adults are lacking in empathy, are self-centered, critical, say such mean things, and have temper tantrums to rival any 5 year old.
Answer . Actually I find them far easier to detect than narcissism in men because most women are far more verbal than men. Thus, talking to a female narcassist is easily …spotted.\n. \nMarcy
Answer The best option when filing a petition for the dissolution of marriage is to adhere to the factors as outlined in the state laws governing divorce (…adultry, abuse, etc.) Other matters should only be broached if the divorce is contested on custodial, property division issues and so forth
Answer \n. \nIt may give you some of your power back to think of exposing the person, but in the long run it affects you more than the abuser. Better to let the rest of the… world teach them. You can move forward, with compassion, and find your real life there.\n. \n Answer \n. \nWhy bother? Although narcissists are chameleons in nature (change their personality to meet their needs) the majority of the public isn't stupid. There will be a time when the narcissist will slip-up and the true personality will be revealed. \n. \nA victim of a narcissist (in your case) is seeking more of a "I told you about him/her and now you know I told the truth." IT DOESN'T MATTER! People leave their relationships for various reasons and don't need to explain to others why. It's important you just get away from the person. You know who you are and that you aren't at fault and that's all that matters. It's best to kick this person to the curb and move on or you'll just end up wasting your energy and getting no satisfaction from it. \n. \nIt's important you seek counseling because you have taken verbal/emotional abuse and you need to realize and prove to yourself (at this point) that none of it was your fault. It's difficult for the victim at times not to blame themselves no matter how hard they try.\n. \nI was married once before and my ex was verbally/physically abusive and he cheated often and after I left him 3 1/2 years later (don't know what took me so long) it took me sometime before I stopped blaming myself. I thought I had all the answers, but shocked myself into realizing that I had come to think that "I" must have done something to deserve all this and that people just didn't go out and cheat on one for no reason. I finally got the picture that there are disturbed and troubled people out there and they manage to hang themselves all on their own time and no one got them to that point.\n. \nGood luck
Answer You don't. One of the biggest mistakes that is made by feuding parents is the attempt to make each other look "bad". The best …option is to allow legal counsel to do his or her job and/or, to only answer those questions that are posed to you in a direct and truthful manner. Do not use name calling, character assassination, and so forth to try to strength your case, such behavior always has the exact opposite results of what was originally intended.
breakdown his facade.
Answer As a mother of a son, I can tell you that you kill her with kindness and set limits. Smile when you see her and ask her opinion ( you don't have to fol…low it, but ask). Be her friend. She is narcissistic our of loneliness. Fill that lonliness and the negative behaviors go away. For example go shopping for an hour and have lunch with MIL then you get the evening alone with your husband. She might have some good features if you look. Pushing her away will cause her to pull harder. In the end you loose your sanity and peace. So make a little room for her and she will stay in the little room. good luck joymaker.
Exposing someone for something that they cannot recognize or understand does no good for either of you in the long run. The thing you need--an apology, change of behavior, etc….--probably will not materialize and you will still be frustrated. Move forward to better times. True narcissists never apologize, in fact whatever lie or devious act you may catch them in will ultimately be someone elses, or your fault. The best way to deal with a narcissist is to doument and have absolute proof of previous lies. To a narcissist, you and everyone else don't know the difference. Consequentally they tend to pull the same things over and over. If you have documented proof of a narcissists lies then when they lie again you can put it in their face like a dog that has pooed on the carpet. Actually this tactic is not really effective with a dog or a narcissist even though any dog has far more conscience than a narcissist. However, narcissists HATE to be confronted with their past fabrications due to an internal self loathing. Keep in mind, "you don't know the difference" When you confront them with the truth they cannot / will never admit it, and how they react will be based on several factors. The key factor will be whom is present, how public the humiliation is and how truly sick they are. Borderline narcissists may derail, just make sure you confront them in public... The truth about themselves is what they fear and hate most.
Tell him to go and leave you alone.
Yes but do so anonymously.
keep your distance- don't get too close and do not let them into your personal lifebe practical about the disorder- you won't change them so step back whenever their narcissis…tic behavior rises to the surfacedefine some limits- by not responding to inappropriate behavior you reinforce itavoid conflictdo not try to argue or reason with them- your winning or convincing is counter to their world view- they will not allow itgain more understanding to enable you to work as constructively as possiblegive practical support when and if they ask for it
It depends on the narcissist. There is no blanket answer for this question. Though probably not if it was their twin.
You can't. Blood will always be thicker than water, and the picture the N paints to the world is only with their colors, not with reality. His family will be in denial and bel…ieve anything the N tells them about you. With a N, it's everyone else's fault - never theirs. They are cowards. They can't face themselves and who they are. Don't expect the impossible. They are spin doctors and weave tales to suit their needs at your expense. The best you can hope for is to try to have his family question his core beliefs and values. Therein lies the truth. However, be prepared for the N to take you down in the process. Look how long it took you to figure it out. As much as you want the wolf in sheep's clothing exposed, what is your objective? Revenge? You may want to "expose" the real person, for the world to see how evil they are, since you have first hand experience, however, it will be your word against the N's. Don't waste your precisous energy on a coward. Your best revenge is to live well.
I think that all depends on the girl and how well you know her. Some people just don't accept advice very well. When I married an N, his father tried to warn me, but I didn't …want to hear it. I'm older and smarter now. I just broke up with an N and was very grateful for the warnings I got this time from his closest friend. I was told to be careful and that he was a "problem child", and had problems staying in relationships with good women. It was hard to hear, but I was experiencing such a roller coaster of emotions and I really needed to get free. I needed someone else to confirm my suspicions, as he was so wonderful and seemed to be everything I wanted at first. If she is smart, she'll listen.
They die a slow and painful death...
Not unless you are prepared for the backlash. Narcissists thrive on blame and are experts at twisting the truth to make themselves appear the victim. Most of those who have sp…ent a significant amount of time with a narcissist will tell you that it is better to walk away than get even. Although it may hurt at times, try to remember that life is better when shared with someone who truly cares for you and vice versa. Pity the narcissist and know that they will never know true happiness. Be very carful doing that because a narcissist can become dangerous. What you can do is don't give them their narcissistic supply and that hurts worst then exposing them.
First, you should read up on the disorder. There are dozens of good websites sponsored by well known hospitals and other respected institutions that sponsor web pages devoted …to narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic behavior is predictable. If you have a good understanding of narcissism you will have the tools to deal with it more constructively. Here are a few pointers: Keep your distance- don't get too close and do not let them into your personal life. Do not share any personal information to the extent possible.Be practical about the disorder- you won't change them so step back whenever their narcissistic behavior rises to the surface.Avoid conflict generally, butDefine some limits- in some cases by not responding to inappropriate behavior you reinforce it- for example: if you must have continued exposure to the narcissist do not allow him/her to "tell you off", raise their voice at you, or treat you with disrespect.Do not try to argue or reason with them- your winning or convincing is counter to their world view- they will not allow it.Gain more understanding to enable you to work as constructively as possible.Give practical support when and if they ask for it.Maintain your own social contacts so that you can minimize the time you have to spend with the narcissist.See related links. Please add personal experiences and discussions to the discussion page.