How do you protect your children from abuse but still enable them to have a relationship with their father?

Answer 1

Your children are likely to encounter narcissists in the future. In a way, they will be better prepared to cope with them, more alert to their existence and chicanery and more desensitized to their abuse.

For this you should be grateful.

There is nothing much you can do, otherwise. Stop wasting your money, time, energy and emotional resources on this intractable "problem" of how to insulate your children from their father's influence. It is a lost war, though a just cause. Instead, make yourself available to your children.

The only thing you can do to prevent your children from emulating their father - is to present to them another role model of a NON-narcissist - YOU. Hopefully, when they grow up, they will prefer your model to their father's. But there is only that much you can do. You cannot control the developmental path of your children. Exerting unlimited control over your children is what Narcissism is all about - and is exactly what you should avoid at all costs, however worried you might be.

Narcissism does tend to breed Narcissism - but not inevitably. Not all the off-spring of a narcissist inexorably become narcissists.

The Narcissistic parent regards his or her child as a multi-faceted source of Narcissistic supply. The child is considered and treated as an extension of the Narcissist's personality. It is through the child that the Narcissist seeks to settle "open accounts" with the world. The child is supposed to materialize the unfulfilled Narcissistic dreams and fantasies of the Narcissistic parent. This "Life by Proxy" can develop in two possible ways: the Narcissist can either merge with his child or be ambivalent towards him. The ambivalence is the result of a conflict between the attainment of Narcissistic goals and pathological (destructive) envy.

To ameliorate the unease bred by emotional ambivalence, the Narcissist resorts to a myriad of control mechanisms. The latter can be grouped into: guilt-driven ("I sacrificed my life for you�"), dependence-driven ("I need you, I cannot cope without you�"), goal-driven ("We have a common goal which we must achieve") and explicit ("If you do not adhere to my principles, beliefs, ideology, religion or any other set of values � sanctions will be imposed").

The exercise of control helps to sustain the illusion that the child is a part of the Narcissist. Such sustenance calls for extraordinary levels of control (on the part of the parent) and obedience (on the part of the child). The relationship is typically symbiotic and emotionally vicissitudinal and turbulent.

The child fulfils another important Narcissistic function � that of Narcissistic supply. There is no denying the implied (though imaginary) immortality in having a child. The early (natural) dependence of the child serves to assuage the fear of abandonment, which is THE driving force in the Narcissist's life. The Narcissist tries to perpetuate this dependence, using the aforementioned control mechanisms. The child is the penultimate Secondary Narcissistic Source of Supply. He is present, he admires, he accumulates and remembers, owing to his wish to be loved he can be extorted into forever giving. For the Narcissist, a child is a dream come true, but only in the most egotistical sense. When the child is perceived as "reneging" on his chief duty (to provide his Narcissistic parent with constant supply of adoration) � the emotional reaction is harsh and revealing.

It is when the Narcissistic parent is disenchanted with his child that we see the true nature of this pathological relationship. The child is totally objectified. The Narcissist reacts to a breach in the unwritten contract with wells of aggression and aggressive transformations: contempt, rage, emotional and psychological abuse, and even physical violence. He tries to annihilate the real child (brought to the Narcissist's awareness through the child's refusal to act as before) and substitute it with the subservient, edifying, former version.

The Narcissistic parent tends to produce another Narcissist in his child. But this outcome can be effectively countered by loving, empathic, predictable, just, and positive upbringing which encourages a sense of autonomy and responsibility. Provide your child with an alternative to his father's venomous and exploitative existence. Trust your children to choose life over death, love over narcissism, human relations over narcissistic supply.

YOU DON'T LET THEM SEE THE ABUSER OR HAVE ANY CONTACT AT ALL IF POSSIBLE BECAUSE IF THE ABUSER DID THIS TO YOU, SOMEONE HE PROCLAIMED TO LOVE, HE IS MOST DEFINITELY CAPABLE OF THE SAME TREATMENT WITH YOUR CHILDREN

It would be sensible to totally restrict, or limit, your children's relationship with their father. Even if they themselves were not physically abused by their father, they witnessed his abuse of you, their mother, and this can be distressing for a child.

Your children need a loving relationship from their parents. You are providing that. Your former husband, however, is not. He also is using his children as targets now that he does not have you to abuse. Try to obtain some counseling for your children. Don't try to "protect" your children from the facts of their father's abuse. If your children complain or seem scared of their father, seek legal means to prevent him from seeing his children.

I'm a 27 year old mother that has a 6 year old son. My ex-husband was abusive with me. So, I did everything in my power to get supervised visition. The court system said that i was trying to keep him from my son. All I was trying to do was protect him. Six months later my son came home with bruises and whelts all over his back side. He still could come see him because nobody saw him do it. But he has to go through me first. He hasn't seen him in 4 years. We couldn't be happier. My son is not afraid anymore. I still have nightmares of him trying to take him away from me. The only thing i could say to do is fight back. make sure that your lawyer will fight until you get what you want. PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN NO MATTER THE COST!!!!

Hi Marjorie, Your question is so relevent! I have full custody of my twin sons. One of my sons has ADHD, my other son does not. It's been three years since I divorced their father (a NPD posterchild). I moved 450 miles away from him, went back to work, bought a home, started our lives over. Within the last six months, he re-married a women who lives within 15 miles of where I live, built a new home for her, and he is now moving here and seeking to get custody of one of my sons. They DO NOT want to be with him or his new wife and her children. I have retained legal counsel and have filed an Order against him to stop the disparaging remarks and any conversation regarding their right to legally decide who they want to live with when they turn 12. He was also forced to see the same therapist that my children and I see, so the therapist could be my son's Advocate (court-wise). My former spouse, NPD, insisted that the therapist could not reveal (in court) the contents of any information presented during counceling sessions. But, when I do hear about things that concern me, I email my former spouse and ask him about it. Being that he is a NPD, and is always right, he emails me back to correct me. This information can, and will, be presented in court. In the meantime, he is determined to take just one of my sons with him because the other twin, who has ADHD does not fulfill his NS. It is somewhere beyond sad, but we just have to hang in there and go the distance with this difficult set of circumstances. Keep your heart and ears open for your children. Give them the opportunity to feel safe to talk to you about anything at all. Do not speak badly about your former spouse to them, but do get help for your children and yourself. Therapy has helped us a lot because sometimes their father says such horrible things about me my sons cry. They love me and will not tell me some of the things he says because they do not want to make me feel badly. However, they do confide these statements to the therapist (Court-Wise - disparging remarks). Their anger and resentment towards their father continues to grow. I too, wanted to give my children a chance to have a relationship with their father, but he is a narcissist, therefore, by default, he in incapable of having a relationship with anyone. Your children are going to need you to be stable, loving, consistent, epathetic, and extremely supportive while they weather the storm we (adults) have already begun struggled through. I hope this will help you and your children. Thank heavens they have you! I'm proud of you - hang in there!!

I always tried harder to please my husband, but when the children were of an age where he became jealous of my relation with them, he began to abuse them verbally, emotionally, physically....not consistently, but often enough to distress me...but not often enough to exit. That was my ignorance. By the time I smartened up and gained the confidence to make an exit, my children had experienced too much. I put my 10 year old into abuse counseling. He learned from professionals what was appropriate and what was threateningly inappropriate. He recognized the difference. My 16 year-old didn't want to go to counseling. I should have insisted. My youngest still loves his father, but he recognizes and protects himself. My older son, now 31 years old, continues to yearn for his father's approval... which will never come. Abuse counseling is healthy even for those who are not aware of any past abuse...as a protection against any future subtlety which might attempt an attack. I was too naive to recognize that at the time. Being informed and aware is the best defense against being lulled into danger...at any age. My tendency after the divorce was to use my husband's behavior as the best example of bad behavior my children could learn to avoid practicing. I chose to use other examples...pointing out results and asking them questions to involve them in other possible solutions. Denegrating their father beyond their own experience of his behavior would have only complicated an already, unfortunate situation. My older son is beginning to learn who he is, separate from his father's verbalized and subtle insults. He is learning this through his own choices, actions, recognized reactions and results as a father. I've noted that he incorporates positive motivation and active participation into his fatherhood. We spend a lot of time talking about the psychology of a child's reaction and formation of values based on a supportive environment with boundaries, consequences and consistent good examples from adults in his life.

Boys look up to their male role models as to how to treat woman NOT their mothers. It is called irresponsible parenting. They have already obtained most of the nurturing needed by puberty thru their mothers and turn to their fathers for instruction (how to be a man) while also remembering what they learned as a young child. Most will speculate that the mother in all cases did not discipline or spoiled the child, along with put up with her husbands abuse and this conclusion is barbaric/abusive in itself. This is not always true and affirms the abusive behavior that comes from a father who has no male femine side which can ONLY be obtained by father/male role models NOT a mother/woman. Woman are woman...they cannot and should not be placed in a position to imitate a man. The same goes for a man.

Yes, in some cases mothers will spoil their children (not teach them personal responsibility or to live in fantasy world). Is not teaching no self control as a father enough evidence? A mother who parents appropriately is beating her head against the wall under the ignored circumstances. This type of mother is forced to put her son out of her life for her own protection and that is enough proof to conclude there is no trusted institution except church(spiritual guidance). She now has to deal with a son who witnessed neglect as socially acceptable. He is seeking constant feed ~ enlisting people just as his abusive father instructed him to do. "If you love me, you have to lie" also in the way he speaks and acts towards her and allows/teaches his sons to emulate him. He is not raising his children as instructed by The Bible. The appearance of a woman forced to raise her children on her own, as many are incouraged to do, is in itself suggestive for the behavior to carry on. He is has created the illusion for the young man throughout his life woman are props and men do not have to take responsibility for their children, either by abandomant or making a choice not to change his inmature barbaric behavior. He will attempt to use his wife, hungry court environments and their related institutions, girlfriends, friends, relatives...you know the drill. When his mother walks away his girlfriend, wife, daughter is now "it" in this contimplated and sheltered game he plays(worshiping his father). Society gasps when a mother denies her son's company and again feeds into his lack of personal responsibility.

Can you see why society is helping this succeed? If various institutions are enabling this behavior there has to be something in it for them using both the victims and the abuser. I am merely trying to point out that it is greed. This type of man filters money into the pockets of any institution from prisons to therapists(Frued followers) ~ if not the sinner, then his family is lured into it. These institutions give the appearance of resolve while simultaneuously pampering their project(so-called narcissist)~President Clinton, for example, had and still has many people convinced he is a victim instead of taking personal responsibility and deeming himself unfit to lead a country(bad role model). Again this is society entertaining the destructive behavior like money in the bank boosting the economy and creating jobs mostly in the field of government and their programs that all operate on a secular basis.

Don't even try to protect your children from reality(creates fantasy). Abuse is real. If you do, you are instructing the child to think there is nothing wrong with their father's behavior. The courts excuse this as the scorned wife label and the old cover-up "anger issues" "letting him". Who cares what they think? Is that real? The children get enough of that everywhere they go-daddy is excused and then the kids. In the marriage or out of the marriage abuse is wrong...and marriage doesn't cause it people do. It's all about personal responsibility and only spiritually inept people would object.

Answer 2

Call the police, put the kid in a car home, or run away.

I would get a court injunction filed against the father, which doesn't allow him to come within a certain distance from the child without being arrested.

dump his sorry A** and run your guys's HAPPY butts away