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How do you share custody with a narcissist?
I described in "The Guilt of the Abused - Pathologizing the Victim" how the system is biased and titled against the victim.
Regrettably, mental health professionals and practitioners - marital and couple therapists, counselors - are conditioned, by years of indoctrinating and dogmatic education, to respond favorably to specific verbal cues.
The paradigm is that abuse is rarely one sided - in other words, that it is invariably "triggered" either by the victim or by the mental health problems of the abuser. Another common lie is that all mental health problems can be successfully treated one way (talk therapy) or another (medication).
This shifts the responsibility from the offender to his prey. The abused must have done something to bring about their own maltreatment - or simply were emotionally "unavailable" to help the abuser with his problems. Healing is guaranteed if only the victim were willing to participate in a treatment plan and communicate with the abuser. So goes the orthodoxy.
Refusal to do so - in other words, refusal to risk further abuse - is harshly judged by the therapist. The victim is labeled uncooperative, resistant, or even abusive!
The key is, therefore, feigned acquiescence and collaboration with the therapist's scheme, acceptance of his/her interpretation of the events, and the use of key phrases such as: "I wish to communicate/work with (the abuser)", "trauma", "relationship", "healing process", "inner child", "the good of the children", "the importance of fathering", "significant other" and other psycho-babble. Learn the jargon, use it intelligently and you are bound to win the therapist's sympathy.
Above all - do not be assertive, or aggressive and do not overtly criticize the therapist or disagree with him/her.
I make the therapist sound like yet another potential abuser - because in many cases, he/she becomes one as they inadvertently collude with the abuser, invalidate the abuse experiences, and pathologize the victim.
Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counsellors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate.
Do NOT contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings - but NEVER rebel against them or ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and your interests.
But with the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts - decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist. A lot more here: My book: "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" (c) 2003 Lidija Rangelovska Narcissus Publications
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If he is a true narcissist he hates children. The risk of abuse - physical, psychological, and even sexual - is considerable. My book: "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revis…ited" (c) 2003 Lidija Rangelovska Narcissus Publications I think if the narcissist is the kind who receives narcissistic supply by basking in the glow of others, for instance his children, he can be okay as a parent provided the children are beautiful, high-achieving or posses attributes that the narcissist perceives as a positive reflection on him. A potential problem arises in adolescence, however, when children seek to differentiate themselves from their parents and are rejecting of their parents. At this point, I think the narcissist is likely to de-throne i.e. stop idealizing the child, and start devaluing the child. Best not to have children with them. I have 5 children, 3 of whom are my dh's. I had to send my oldest to live with his father when he hit adolesence for his own protection. He comes to live with me on holidays and weekends. The only way to keep my dh from harming him, physically, psychologically, etc, is to threaten him. I have told him that if he ever touches him, I will call the police and have him thrown in jail in a heartbeat. He is scared to be exposed and for all to know that he is less than perfect, so this works. I also threatened this after he hit me once 4 yr ago when I was pregnant with baby #4. He has not hit me since, although he threatens to and tells me I should be hit to teach me to control myself. He thinks that spanking is the only form of discipline. One of the reasons why I don't leave him is because if he is alone with them, joint custody, I cannot protect them. With us living together, I can counter the harm he causes. A part of me hopes that he will do something that will cause me to be able to get full custody of the kids when I leave so that I don't have to leave them alone with him. In short, a narcissist having custody of a child for half the time would be a bad idea. Keep a log and record conversations so that you have evidence when the time comes. Whoever you are - please do not stay in the marriage thinking that you are protecting or diluting the harm done by dh. I am separated from my husband (NPD) in April shortly after finding him in bed with another woman (who had had an abortion just 7 days earlier - someone else's). Your children will be better off without that influence...you are only one person and unfortunantely your children learn more by example and what you are teaching them is that it is okay to put up with it. Not to mention the example you are showing of unnecessary self sacrifice and lack of self respect by tolerating that sort of environment. Believe me, God will protect you and provide for you. My mother made the same mistake and thought she was protecting us from my abusive NPD father's tactics...but I wound up marrying one...though not physically abusive. The damage is psychological and will affect there core self-esteem and abilities to make sound decisions and choices when it comes to people. They will expose all the nasty bits about the spouse to the kids. That spouse in return is doing the same thing because he/she has just left the nastiest person they have ever known and can't help but expose them. My narcissist's spouse can be quite 'off' with the kids because they defend their dad to the hilt. This is because he has worked on them in his narcissist way. If you give in to the N they will take an arm and a leg too, with as much concern as you have about rendering a turkey carcass into soup. I left my N 12 years ago, had no problem getting sole custody after his behaviour. I have tried to be a good person throughout, lots of access and involvement, not harping on about the unpaid child support. Not knowing that I was dealing with a mentally unhealthy person, I thought, well at least he's not alcoholic. And when you think everything is peachy-keen and everyone's moved on, you discover that this person has been a busy busy bee, working away behind your back... It has taken me a year of fighting to get any say in my son's life again. His dad made a complaint that we were physically abusing my son and transferred him to another school and then they told me it was my son's decision and I should go along with it. Then things began to descend into madness. Calls from social services, calls from the RCMP, death threats from my son; my 12 year-old offering to sue me for his Gamecube and then I find out that this man pulled his kid out of school and then lied - to his own kid, telling him he had been kicked out!....separated my 12 year old boy from friends, family and peers, away from all sports or social activity, rotting in a one bedroom apartment... and then I went through a lunatic merry-go-round trying to involve the school, social services, the police, anyone to look at the situation. This with full custody, SOLE guardianship, 2 police enforcement orders and a deadbeat dad with no formal education. I have had to explain countless times that I can't go to court for visitation rights! I have custody! Finally, now that my kid is in psychiatric care and the hospital brought in a team of lawyers, now that I have taken this the whole way to our MLA (member of legislature) and put social services on the line for their past mistakes, now I am finally getting some recognition as the parent willing and able to act in my son's best interests. It has been a long road. Never leave yourself open with narcissists; they are deviant way beyond anything a normal thought process can anticipate and they will NOT change unless maybe with years of therapy. Your child doesn't have years. The narcissistic parent (NP) will generally badmouth the other parent, and will try to turn the children against them. My father almost succeeded with my younger brother, but fortunately, my mother, siblings, and I were able to help him. The NP will also badmouth the siblings who don't buy into his false presentation. Common phrases used are "don't tell your mother, but..." or "don't tell your sister/brother, but..." or "don't tell ______that I said this, but he/she is ______." The best course of action (speaking from experience) is to minimize contact and explain to your children what narcissism is.
Secrecy is the abuser's weapon. Sharing with others exposes the abuser for what he is and, sometimes, puts a stop to his offenses. It really depends on the rela…tionship these people have with the narcissist. When I have told other people, they have eventually told him. He has then turned it around to him being MY victim and it has put me in a more dangerous situation. The narcissist is so good at turning it around. The thing is, most people think the narcissist is great and he is as long as you don't get involved with him on a emotional level. I totally trusted him. It frightens me of how wrong I was. Keep it to yourself and try and concentrate on getting better. There is a chance that no one will believe you anyway. They might end up thinking you're nuts! Good Luck. I like this question. I am amazed that more people haven't answered it. In my situation, the abuser/narcisist started early on with what his friends thought of me and they were very negative descriptions. It basically kept me away from his friends.it also kept me thinking there was something wrong with me. there was this one situation where I had to drive 60 miles with a friend of his and I had a great time chatting with this guy. We also had dinner. It was fun. Now this guy was a new friend and they did not know each other very well. Befor we arrived at our point of destination, to meet with my ex/his friend we had a chat and I asked him if he thought I was an o.k. person. He said yes and that he would want to be my friend as much as he was friends with my ex. I told him that the ex was telling me that his friends thought I had a problem or something like that...He looked square at me and said that's a mind - f �����. He then went on to say that he would still be friends with my now ex. Also, it was never revealed as to who or which friends were saying what. The same statement was aimed at me many times through out the 3 year relationship when I finally pulled the plug on it by saying, 'Your friends do not know me and I do not know them and I do not care what they have to say about me, let them say it to my face. I was also told how he defended me to people who didn't really know me . This control tactic did not work ultimately. I decided not to tell his friends because I do not think they would believe me. What I did do is anything to help my self get info for more clarity. I am not friends with his friends and would not want to be. I want to stay away from his circles & him. Tell people that are just your friends, people that already know you. I found most people to be unhelpful, uneducated and uninterested in the subject of N and abuse. Silence and apathy kind of go together. Most people would rather watch television on the subject, stay removed from anything real and uncomfortable. Not every one but most. I really would like to expose all the stuff but it will be useless unless the right time and situation arises. I have found that these types are very good at painting a picture of you to all their friends and family even co workers that is based on pure fiction. My ex husband use to tell me that his friends hated me, even though I hadnt met alot of these people! I spoke with a wife of one of his freinds after we split up and she told me she had asked my ex on several occasions to invite me over, but he would say Im not feeling well. I have never had any health problems and I am in good shape mentally and physically. His fear was they might like me and then he would be exposed.
Explanation of original question I am the person who originally posted this question. I am sorry, however, that having been edited by the FAQ team, my… question has lost it's original meaning. What I originally asked is: Can the siblings of a strong N share SOME of the same tendencies and not be narcissist's themselves? Now I will share the reason for my question. My N husband is the baby of five children. As an in-law I have many times noticed that the overall family's MO is that if one doesn't do what they want when they want or etc., one finds himself either completely ignored, left out or otherwise cut off from the family. I know this is a subtle form of manipulation, not at all unlike those used by an N. While I believe that none of the other siblings are full-blown N's, this seems very normal within the family. The reason I ask this question is because I wonder if this is just a family dysfunction, or the sprinklings of Narcissim showing itself in the other family members.
Answer You don't. One of the biggest mistakes that is made by feuding parents is the attempt to make each other look "bad". The best …option is to allow legal counsel to do his or her job and/or, to only answer those questions that are posed to you in a direct and truthful manner. Do not use name calling, character assassination, and so forth to try to strength your case, such behavior always has the exact opposite results of what was originally intended.
Suck it up and get a good lawyer. Also, read "without conscience". It illuminates how to deal with people like that.
What an awful thing to want to find out. Being a narcissist is not reason enough to be denied custody. If you don't already have reasons to give as to why the person shou…ldn't have custody then why have a 'battle'? Why not share custody? I'm not sure that the original question mentioned that they were trying to deny the narcissist custody or that the narcissim was the only reason. However narcissim can manifest in many ways and some of them are very abusive and thus itis relevant to a custody battle. I would say the best way to discredit a narcissist is to provide evidence of the lies but remain calm and collected even when you are on the receiving end of lies and/or mental abuse.
Your question is too vague.
Have the court review this. Make sure your son is going to counseling, document everything that he tells you happens while he's with his father and see your lawyer to re…vize the visitation.
This gets complex, very quickly. You need a good lawyer.
If court ordered, as it should be.
What are the rights of the mother who has shared custody of the child but is not the custodial parent?
same as a father under the same conditions. What the court orders say.
The courts show preference for shared parental responsibility (joint legal custody) in Florida Statute 1.13(2)(b)1: "It is the public policy of this state to assure that each …minor child has frequent and continuing contact with both parents after the parents separate or divorce, and to encourage parents to share the rights and responsibilities and joys of childrearing. After considering all relevant facts, the father of the child shall be given the same consideration as the mother in determining the primary residence of a child, irrespective of the age or sex of the child." ...and in Florida Statute 61.13(2)(b): "The court shall order that the parental responsibility for a minor child be shared by both parents unless the court finds that shared parental responsibility (joint legal custody) would be detrimental to the child…" see related links
It's really dependable. If you're a fit mother, your mother shouldn't need to.
You can't just throw a diagnose around and expect everyone will be the same. A narcissistic parent would probably not be the best parent but not dangerous. This is something a… doctor have to evaluate case by case.
They mean the same thing . The parents share legal and physical custody of the child. See related question. They mean the same thing . The parents share legal and physical… custody of the child. See related question. They mean the same thing . The parents share legal and physical custody of the child. See related question. They mean the same thing . The parents share legal and physical custody of the child. See related question.