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How do you share custody with a narcissist?
I described in "The Guilt of the Abused - Pathologizing the Victim" how the system is biased and titled against the victim.
Regrettably, mental health professionals and practitioners - marital and couple therapists, counselors - are conditioned, by years of indoctrinating and dogmatic education, to respond favorably to specific verbal cues.
The paradigm is that abuse is rarely one sided - in other words, that it is invariably "triggered" either by the victim or by the mental health problems of the abuser. Another common lie is that all mental health problems can be successfully treated one way (talk therapy) or another (medication).
This shifts the responsibility from the offender to his prey. The abused must have done something to bring about their own maltreatment - or simply were emotionally "unavailable" to help the abuser with his problems. Healing is guaranteed if only the victim were willing to participate in a treatment plan and communicate with the abuser. So goes the orthodoxy.
Refusal to do so - in other words, refusal to risk further abuse - is harshly judged by the therapist. The victim is labeled uncooperative, resistant, or even abusive!
The key is, therefore, feigned acquiescence and collaboration with the therapist's scheme, acceptance of his/her interpretation of the events, and the use of key phrases such as: "I wish to communicate/work with (the abuser)", "trauma", "relationship", "healing process", "inner child", "the good of the children", "the importance of fathering", "significant other" and other psycho-babble. Learn the jargon, use it intelligently and you are bound to win the therapist's sympathy.
Above all - do not be assertive, or aggressive and do not overtly criticize the therapist or disagree with him/her.
I make the therapist sound like yet another potential abuser - because in many cases, he/she becomes one as they inadvertently collude with the abuser, invalidate the abuse experiences, and pathologize the victim.
Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counsellors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate.
Do NOT contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings - but NEVER rebel against them or ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and your interests.
But with the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts - decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist. A lot more here: My book: "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" (c) 2003 Lidija Rangelovska Narcissus Publications
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somebody who has the following symptoms Reacting to criticism with anger, shame, or humiliation Taking advantage of others to reach own goals Exaggerating own import…ance, achievements, and talents Imagining unrealistic fantasies of success, beauty, power, intelligence, or romance Requiring constant attention and positive reinforcement from others Becoming jealous easily Lacking empathy and disregarding the feelings of others Being obsessed with self Pursuing mainly selfish goals Trouble keeping healthy relationships Becoming easily hurt and rejected Setting goals that are unrealistic Wanting "the best" of everything Appearing unemotional
Answer The answer to that question is not simple. Each situation is different and requires a different and unique approach. I have shared my knowledge with my soon to b…e ex. This was for my gratification.....pure and simple. It was my way of telling him that he no longer would control the situation. Remember, narcissists suffer from delusions of grandeur and can not even grip why someone would question their judgment, character or anything else. You are the one with the problem..........not them. I would not recommend sharing this information with someone who is physically abusive. That would be very detrimental. I told him that he will no longer minimize me, my beliefs/opinions, feelings, work, whatever.....accept them as mine, show respect and move on. He claims that narcissism only deals with the belief that "it's all about me." He's right when you put it in simplistic, nutshell logic. He even stated I needed to look the term up in the dictionary. But what he fails to grasp is that this only one small aspect of a narcissistic personality disorder. There is an array of other contributing traits that just furthers the disorder into: It's all about Me. Right now, we are being "advised" to work together. However, any time his narcissism rears its ugly, dreadful head, it is squelched. Entirely. You can not argue nor discuss matters with a narcissist.....it just goes in circles. Also, it is usually done on their time and only when it's convenient for them. But what you can do for you: Stop them in their tracks and let them know you are on to them! They tend to be somewhat paranoid and this spins them a little. It makes them question things. They may not ever reach a logical conclusion and most likely will shift the blame solely on you, but it gets them thinking. Remember.......they have filled your head with the notion that you are crazy and need professional help, not them. This is a plus! Because once you seek professional help, your counselor will stop you and say: "Honey, there's nothing wrong with you, but your soon-to-be-ex is a narcissist!" Then the real healing can begin! Answer I gently and lovingly broached the subject with my N girlfriend and was met with denial and then rage. She then went to all our mutual friends to spread seeds that I was disordered. It definitely wasn't worth it. Answer I have not tried to share most of what I know with my husband (soon-to-be ex I hope), but I have tried to share it with other people that he is trying to recruit to be his NS. It hasn't helped with them though. They have fallen for his lies and now I am the horrible person. I just try to use the information I have to keep myself prepared for his reactions, and to help my children. Answer Darlene, please learn from your past efforts ... no one can be fixed if they do not believe they are broken, be glad you will be free from the N grip. Learn from your experience, and get help for yourself. It is important to understand "why" or "how" you got into the "pickle" in the first place. There is no one answer for all. :) Answer I did in fact share information and continue to do so with the N that I just left--however--he is a cerebral N so his reaction is fascinating--he initially "intellectually" could see where there were similarities between a NPD and his behavior but eventually he refuted each issue or situation we went through and rationalized away his behavior--when I initially was trying to understand our relationship and why I was having these feelings of being abused (although I didn't articulate or understand what I was going through as abuse until after I bought and read Malignant Self Love)--I spent a week basically studying the book and trying to understand the manifestations of the NPD--the book was and is filled with post-its where I made my notes and observations and it serves as a source of discussion and then rage and then denial and then rationalization for my N--he has been a pathological liar, destructive, abusive and dependent all of his life--he now swears to me that he has realized how abusive he has been and will no longer lie or abuse anyone--he has agreed to go to therapy with a therapist I found prior to my leaving---but he is brilliant at morphing the truth and manipulating emotions so I pray that the therapist will be able to handle him and that there in fact may be some hope--I'm curious as to how Dr Sam(author of Malignant Self-love) became so aware of his condition and how his relationships have changed or not since his realization- Answer I tried with my N husband and it was not worth it. He accused me of having problems, attacked the whole field of psychology and threatened to cut me off of his health insurance plan if I sought counseling to deal with him. When I called the health insurance company to find out if I could get insurance statements sent directly to me instead of him because he is the primary holder, it was possible but complicated. At this point, the best route appears to work completely behind his back in developing a solution. Answer They are in denial about it. Unless you make it out not to be a bad thing. Point out all the good things, like healthy narcism, and how narcissist are usually successful and in leadership positions. The less emphasis you place on the negative aspects the more they accept it. If you let them know that you are ok with them being narcissist, then they are ok with it. Don't blame them. Say, "you can't help it. Your parents raised you this way, it's no big deal and everyone has problems." Then list several other people. Let them know that the American way helps to encourage and foster this "package" over "substance" way of life. Then let them know that other see right through them and that you are going to help them get over their small lies first. Tell them they don't have to lie. You are not angry at them for small mistakes. Let them know that being human is ok. We are all human. What we don't like in this house is perfectionist. You will see your narcissist glad for the first time in their lives to finally get to relax, but still very guarded. You are in it with them and not against them. You will help them use it to their advantage. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE DELIVER A NARCISSISTIC INJURY. Don't insult anything from their childhood. Don't bring up specifics on abuse. Focus on future, not past. Don't insult or criticize but be a good example for them. (that's what they do that annoys us, so why switch roles). Answer You can try but they will tell you you are crazy. They will probably ridicule you for using such a big word. Answer I ended the relationship with my emotionally tormenting N in a text message in which I suggested that he should look up Narcissism. I havent heard from him since. Maybe I should mention this tactic under the heading of 'How to End a relationship with a Narcissist'. Answer It could turn into a dangerous situation--see "Fatal Vision" by Joe McGuinness about a narcissist who, when confronted, reacted with rage and violence. Answer I just finished Sam's book.... and was about to go back and re read the highlighted parts when it disappeared. Very disconcerting for me..... I don't really want my N to have access to all that information. I'm pretty upset about it, now that I think about it. I'm currently going through a divorce.... and he's smart enough to assimilate that information to at least curtail some of my advantage. The one time I didn't hide it.... it went poof! I don't think sharing information with them gives them anything more than information you need to protect yourself. Keep it quiet. Tell your close friends... only. Nobody wants to hear or believe this stuff and only those who really care about you will want to stand behind you. I have one really close friend who thinks I'm insane not to take my N back and let him be the good husband and father he promises he wants to be. But, let me tell you.... sometimes I sneak a peek at him when he doesn't know I'm looking.... and his look, malevolent and full of aggression... is pointed at me. Giving him information.... is just taking away some of your advantage in dealing with them. Don't and count yourself lucky to find yourself demystified. Tremusan Answer Absolutely not. The N will take whatever you say and warp it, twist it,and turn it right back onto you. Yes, it would feel great to throw it in his face and prove that you've got him pegged. Chances are someone before you has already told him this. It won't change a thing. And the momentary satisfaction of telling him, will only lead to hours, days, weeks of protacted discussion about HIM. Remember, a N loves attention. This only creates him as the center of attention once again. Answer its not worth it! they think they are perfect and nothing could possibly be wrong with them! if you try then it will be turned against you and you will be made to feel your the crazy one! get profesional help to help you get out of this one, its the only way.i touched on the subject with my soon to be ex but it looked as though it would get very nasty so i decided it was safer not to.
Answer You don't. One of the biggest mistakes that is made by feuding parents is the attempt to make each other look "bad". The best …option is to allow legal counsel to do his or her job and/or, to only answer those questions that are posed to you in a direct and truthful manner. Do not use name calling, character assassination, and so forth to try to strength your case, such behavior always has the exact opposite results of what was originally intended.
If he is a true narcissist he hates children. The risk of abuse - physical, psychological, and even sexual - is considerable. My book: "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revis…ited" (c) 2003 Lidija Rangelovska Narcissus Publications I think if the narcissist is the kind who receives narcissistic supply by basking in the glow of others, for instance his children, he can be okay as a parent provided the children are beautiful, high-achieving or posses attributes that the narcissist perceives as a positive reflection on him. A potential problem arises in adolescence, however, when children seek to differentiate themselves from their parents and are rejecting of their parents. At this point, I think the narcissist is likely to de-throne i.e. stop idealizing the child, and start devaluing the child. Best not to have children with them. I have 5 children, 3 of whom are my dh's. I had to send my oldest to live with his father when he hit adolesence for his own protection. He comes to live with me on holidays and weekends. The only way to keep my dh from harming him, physically, psychologically, etc, is to threaten him. I have told him that if he ever touches him, I will call the police and have him thrown in jail in a heartbeat. He is scared to be exposed and for all to know that he is less than perfect, so this works. I also threatened this after he hit me once 4 yr ago when I was pregnant with baby #4. He has not hit me since, although he threatens to and tells me I should be hit to teach me to control myself. He thinks that spanking is the only form of discipline. One of the reasons why I don't leave him is because if he is alone with them, joint custody, I cannot protect them. With us living together, I can counter the harm he causes. A part of me hopes that he will do something that will cause me to be able to get full custody of the kids when I leave so that I don't have to leave them alone with him. In short, a narcissist having custody of a child for half the time would be a bad idea. Keep a log and record conversations so that you have evidence when the time comes. Whoever you are - please do not stay in the marriage thinking that you are protecting or diluting the harm done by dh. I am separated from my husband (NPD) in April shortly after finding him in bed with another woman (who had had an abortion just 7 days earlier - someone else's). Your children will be better off without that influence...you are only one person and unfortunantely your children learn more by example and what you are teaching them is that it is okay to put up with it. Not to mention the example you are showing of unnecessary self sacrifice and lack of self respect by tolerating that sort of environment. Believe me, God will protect you and provide for you. My mother made the same mistake and thought she was protecting us from my abusive NPD father's tactics...but I wound up marrying one...though not physically abusive. The damage is psychological and will affect there core self-esteem and abilities to make sound decisions and choices when it comes to people. They will expose all the nasty bits about the spouse to the kids. That spouse in return is doing the same thing because he/she has just left the nastiest person they have ever known and can't help but expose them. My narcissist's spouse can be quite 'off' with the kids because they defend their dad to the hilt. This is because he has worked on them in his narcissist way. If you give in to the N they will take an arm and a leg too, with as much concern as you have about rendering a turkey carcass into soup. I left my N 12 years ago, had no problem getting sole custody after his behaviour. I have tried to be a good person throughout, lots of access and involvement, not harping on about the unpaid child support. Not knowing that I was dealing with a mentally unhealthy person, I thought, well at least he's not alcoholic. And when you think everything is peachy-keen and everyone's moved on, you discover that this person has been a busy busy bee, working away behind your back... It has taken me a year of fighting to get any say in my son's life again. His dad made a complaint that we were physically abusing my son and transferred him to another school and then they told me it was my son's decision and I should go along with it. Then things began to descend into madness. Calls from social services, calls from the RCMP, death threats from my son; my 12 year-old offering to sue me for his Gamecube and then I find out that this man pulled his kid out of school and then lied - to his own kid, telling him he had been kicked out!....separated my 12 year old boy from friends, family and peers, away from all sports or social activity, rotting in a one bedroom apartment... and then I went through a lunatic merry-go-round trying to involve the school, social services, the police, anyone to look at the situation. This with full custody, SOLE guardianship, 2 police enforcement orders and a deadbeat dad with no formal education. I have had to explain countless times that I can't go to court for visitation rights! I have custody! Finally, now that my kid is in psychiatric care and the hospital brought in a team of lawyers, now that I have taken this the whole way to our MLA (member of legislature) and put social services on the line for their past mistakes, now I am finally getting some recognition as the parent willing and able to act in my son's best interests. It has been a long road. Never leave yourself open with narcissists; they are deviant way beyond anything a normal thought process can anticipate and they will NOT change unless maybe with years of therapy. Your child doesn't have years. The narcissistic parent (NP) will generally badmouth the other parent, and will try to turn the children against them. My father almost succeeded with my younger brother, but fortunately, my mother, siblings, and I were able to help him. The NP will also badmouth the siblings who don't buy into his false presentation. Common phrases used are "don't tell your mother, but..." or "don't tell your sister/brother, but..." or "don't tell ______that I said this, but he/she is ______." The best course of action (speaking from experience) is to minimize contact and explain to your children what narcissism is.
Either parent could provide insurance for a child under their auto insurance policy. Alternatively, the child could obtain their own auto insurance policy if either parent is… willing to countersign sign the insurance application with the child. As far as liability causation the parent who facilitated the acquisition of the automobile wold have the greater responsibility for resulting damage and liabilities.
How do you defend yourself in a custody battle against a narcissist who is constantly making false accusations?
Bring attention to these false accusations, keep digging into them and eventually the judge will see there is no substance to them. The narcissist will be descredited.
What is the difference between sole custody and sole physical custody when joint legal custody is shared?
Physical Custody Physical custody means that a parent has the right to have a child live with him or her. Some states will award joint physical custody to both parents …when the child spends significant amounts of time with both parents. Joint physical custody works best if parents live relatively near to each other, as it lessens the stress on children and allows them to maintain a somewhat normal routine. Where the child lives primarily with one parent and has visitation with the other, generally the parent with whom the child primarily lives will have sole physical custody, with visitation to the other parent. Legal Custody Legal custody of a child means having the right and the obligation to make decisions about a child's upbringing. A parent with legal custody can make decisions about schooling, religion, and medical care, for example. In many states, courts regularly award joint legal custody, which means that the decision making is shared by both parents.
What if there is no custodial parent and parents share custody evenly how do you determine who claims the child on their taxes?
You come to an agreement with each other; there is no form to sign. If you are amicable, you might give the credit to the one whose taxes most benefit. Form 8332 is if one of …you is the custodial parent of record.
What an awful thing to want to find out. Being a narcissist is not reason enough to be denied custody. If you don't already have reasons to give as to why the person shou…ldn't have custody then why have a 'battle'? Why not share custody? I'm not sure that the original question mentioned that they were trying to deny the narcissist custody or that the narcissim was the only reason. However narcissim can manifest in many ways and some of them are very abusive and thus itis relevant to a custody battle. I would say the best way to discredit a narcissist is to provide evidence of the lies but remain calm and collected even when you are on the receiving end of lies and/or mental abuse.
Jon and Kate Gosselin share custody of their 8 precious miracles. The exact details, routines, and schedules have evolved over time as the couple has moved on from the divorce…, established new jobs and living arrangements. After nasty public negotiation, Jon and Kate Gosselin are closer to a 50/50 custody arrangement. At the time of the divorce the following answer applied: Jon and Kate Gosselin plan to share custody of their children. According to Jon and Kate: They will share custody of the children, with the children continuing to reside in the current home. Kate will live with the children at the residence and will vacate the residence when it is Jon's visitation time with the children at the home. This means that the Gosselin kids will live in the house, and Jon and Kate will share being parents. Which days Jon and Kate are at the house will depend on their work and travel schedules.. .but the kids schedule will remain the same. Living arrangements According to the Huffington Post, Jon has an apartment in New York City where he stays while Kate has her turn with the children. (See related links.) Kate, on the other hand, stays at a local hotel when it is Jon's turn with the children. The children won't live by themselves, the parents are going to have split custody of them. Both Jon and Kate will either travel or live elsewhere when it is not their turn with the children. The eight kids will be at their house all week every week. Jon and Kate will be moving in and out. Answers: Jon and Kate announced that they would trade places during their respective times with their children. When Kate is with the kids, Jon is elsewhere and vice versa. The kids stay in the house all the time for continuity sake.Jon and Kate say that the house is the kids house. So they share them. They will stay in the same house. Jon and Kate have different days to stay with the kids. Like one day Jon has them and the next day Kate has them. Because they don't feel it is necessary to have two houses and for them to travel. So they just share the house But Christmas and holidays will be spent together. That is their arrangement. Jon and Kate will share the kids. Kate will continue to live at the main house, but will have to leave when it is Jon's turn with the kids. Kate also gets time with them. yes they both get them and Jon still will get to see him
If a mother has sole physical custody but the father shares joint legal custody what are his rights?
The mother has primary residential custody. However, the father has visitation rights which are likely set forth in a visitation schedule and he has the right to be included i…n any important decisions that affect the child. The father should review any documents related to his case including a separation agreement, visitation schedule, child support order and custody order.
In the United States when the custodial parent dies, the non-custodial parent automatically gains custody unless they've been deemed unfit.
: Document incidents miticulouly on paper and preferrably have credible witnesses present at the time the exchange is supposed to occur. Unless you are certain the child is in… immediate physical danger, do not involve law enforcement in the presence of the child/children. After compiling documentation, hire an exceptional attorney and take the ex to court. Judges are more inclinded to assist you if you have documentation and witnesses. Judges also will appreciate the fact that you went out of your way to not disrupt the child's life by involving law enforcement in the presence of the child. Having a cop tell either mom or dad that they cannot pick up or take a child is devistating to a child under any circumstances. Don't fall into the trap of using the children even if it is obvious that your ex is doing just that. Don't stoop to that level. Your child/children will eventually know the facts. Take him to court! (Have you tried talking to him and asking? If so, and he said no, then you have to take him to court. If there is an order he has to listen to it.)
Suck it up and get a good lawyer. Also, read "without conscience". It illuminates how to deal with people like that.
You can't just throw a diagnose around and expect everyone will be the same. A narcissistic parent would probably not be the best parent but not dangerous. This is something a… doctor have to evaluate case by case.