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Should you share information about narcissism with your narcissistic partner?

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The answer to that question is not simple. Each situation is different and requires a different and unique approach. I have shared my knowledge with my soon to be ex. This was for my gratification.....pure and simple. It was my way of telling him that he no longer would control the situation. Remember, narcissists suffer from delusions of grandeur and can not even grip why someone would question their judgment, character or anything else. You are the one with the problem..........not them. I would not recommend sharing this information with someone who is physically abusive. That would be very detrimental. I told him that he will no longer minimize me, my beliefs/opinions, feelings, work, whatever.....accept them as mine, show respect and move on. He claims that narcissism only deals with the belief that "it's all about me." He's right when you put it in simplistic, nutshell logic. He even stated I needed to look the term up in the dictionary. But what he fails to grasp is that this only one small aspect of a narcissistic personality disorder. There is an array of other contributing traits that just furthers the disorder into: It's all about Me. Right now, we are being "advised" to work together. However, any time his narcissism rears its ugly, dreadful head, it is squelched. Entirely. You can not argue nor discuss matters with a narcissist.....it just goes in circles. Also, it is usually done on their time and only when it's convenient for them. But what you can do for you: Stop them in their tracks and let them know you are on to them! They tend to be somewhat paranoid and this spins them a little. It makes them question things. They may not ever reach a logical conclusion and most likely will shift the blame solely on you, but it gets them thinking. Remember.......they have filled your head with the notion that you are crazy and need professional help, not them. This is a plus! Because once you seek professional help, your counselor will stop you and say: "Honey, there's nothing wrong with you, but your soon-to-be-ex is a narcissist!" Then the real healing can begin! Answer I gently and lovingly broached the subject with my N girlfriend and was met with denial and then rage. She then went to all our mutual friends to spread seeds that I was disordered. It definitely wasn't worth it. Answer I have not tried to share most of what I know with my husband (soon-to-be ex I hope), but I have tried to share it with other people that he is trying to recruit to be his NS. It hasn't helped with them though. They have fallen for his lies and now I am the horrible person. I just try to use the information I have to keep myself prepared for his reactions, and to help my children. Answer Darlene, please learn from your past efforts ... no one can be fixed if they do not believe they are broken, be glad you will be free from the N grip. Learn from your experience, and get help for yourself. It is important to understand "why" or "how" you got into the "pickle" in the first place. There is no one answer for all. :) Answer I did in fact share information and continue to do so with the N that I just left--however--he is a cerebral N so his reaction is fascinating--he initially "intellectually" could see where there were similarities between a NPD and his behavior but eventually he refuted each issue or situation we went through and rationalized away his behavior--when I initially was trying to understand our relationship and why I was having these feelings of being abused (although I didn't articulate or understand what I was going through as abuse until after I bought and read Malignant Self Love)--I spent a week basically studying the book and trying to understand the manifestations of the NPD--the book was and is filled with post-its where I made my notes and observations and it serves as a source of discussion and then rage and then denial and then rationalization for my N--he has been a pathological liar, destructive, abusive and dependent all of his life--he now swears to me that he has realized how abusive he has been and will no longer lie or abuse anyone--he has agreed to go to therapy with a therapist I found prior to my leaving---but he is brilliant at morphing the truth and manipulating emotions so I pray that the therapist will be able to handle him and that there in fact may be some hope--I'm curious as to how Dr Sam(author of Malignant Self-love) became so aware of his condition and how his relationships have changed or not since his realization- Answer I tried with my N husband and it was not worth it. He accused me of having problems, attacked the whole field of psychology and threatened to cut me off of his health insurance plan if I sought counseling to deal with him. When I called the health insurance company to find out if I could get insurance statements sent directly to me instead of him because he is the primary holder, it was possible but complicated. At this point, the best route appears to work completely behind his back in developing a solution. Answer They are in denial about it. Unless you make it out not to be a bad thing. Point out all the good things, like healthy narcism, and how narcissist are usually successful and in leadership positions. The less emphasis you place on the negative aspects the more they accept it. If you let them know that you are ok with them being narcissist, then they are ok with it. Don't blame them. Say, "you can't help it. Your parents raised you this way, it's no big deal and everyone has problems." Then list several other people. Let them know that the American way helps to encourage and foster this "package" over "substance" way of life. Then let them know that other see right through them and that you are going to help them get over their small lies first. Tell them they don't have to lie. You are not angry at them for small mistakes. Let them know that being human is ok. We are all human. What we don't like in this house is perfectionist. You will see your narcissist glad for the first time in their lives to finally get to relax, but still very guarded. You are in it with them and not against them. You will help them use it to their advantage. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE DELIVER A NARCISSISTIC INJURY. Don't insult anything from their childhood. Don't bring up specifics on abuse. Focus on future, not past. Don't insult or criticize but be a good example for them. (that's what they do that annoys us, so why switch roles). Answer You can try but they will tell you you are crazy. They will probably ridicule you for using such a big word. Answer I ended the relationship with my emotionally tormenting N in a text message in which I suggested that he should look up Narcissism. I havent heard from him since. Maybe I should mention this tactic under the heading of 'How to End a relationship with a Narcissist'. Answer It could turn into a dangerous situation--see "Fatal Vision" by Joe McGuinness about a narcissist who, when confronted, reacted with rage and violence. Answer I just finished Sam's book.... and was about to go back and re read the highlighted parts when it disappeared. Very disconcerting for me..... I don't really want my N to have access to all that information. I'm pretty upset about it, now that I think about it. I'm currently going through a divorce.... and he's smart enough to assimilate that information to at least curtail some of my advantage. The one time I didn't hide it.... it went poof! I don't think sharing information with them gives them anything more than information you need to protect yourself. Keep it quiet. Tell your close friends... only. Nobody wants to hear or believe this stuff and only those who really care about you will want to stand behind you. I have one really close friend who thinks I'm insane not to take my N back and let him be the good husband and father he promises he wants to be. But, let me tell you.... sometimes I sneak a peek at him when he doesn't know I'm looking.... and his look, malevolent and full of aggression... is pointed at me. Giving him information.... is just taking away some of your advantage in dealing with them. Don't and count yourself lucky to find yourself demystified. Tremusan Answer Absolutely not. The N will take whatever you say and warp it, twist it,and turn it right back onto you. Yes, it would feel great to throw it in his face and prove that you've got him pegged. Chances are someone before you has already told him this. It won't change a thing. And the momentary satisfaction of telling him, will only lead to hours, days, weeks of protacted discussion about HIM. Remember, a N loves attention. This only creates him as the center of attention once again. Answer its not worth it! they think they are perfect and nothing could possibly be wrong with them! if you try then it will be turned against you and you will be made to feel your the crazy one! get profesional help to help you get out of this one, its the only way.i touched on the subject with my soon to be ex but it looked as though it would get very nasty so i decided it was safer not to.
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