What would you like to do?
The answer to that question is not simple. Each situation is different and requires a different and unique approach. I have shared my knowledge with my soon to be ex. This was for my gratification.....pure and simple. It was my way of telling him that he no longer would control the situation. Remember, narcissists suffer from delusions of grandeur and can not even grip why someone would question their judgment, character or anything else. You are the one with the problem..........not them. I would not recommend sharing this information with someone who is physically abusive. That would be very detrimental. I told him that he will no longer minimize me, my beliefs/opinions, feelings, work, whatever.....accept them as mine, show respect and move on. He claims that narcissism only deals with the belief that "it's all about me." He's right when you put it in simplistic, nutshell logic. He even stated I needed to look the term up in the dictionary. But what he fails to grasp is that this only one small aspect of a narcissistic personality disorder. There is an array of other contributing traits that just furthers the disorder into: It's all about Me. Right now, we are being "advised" to work together. However, any time his narcissism rears its ugly, dreadful head, it is squelched. Entirely. You can not argue nor discuss matters with a narcissist.....it just goes in circles. Also, it is usually done on their time and only when it's convenient for them. But what you can do for you: Stop them in their tracks and let them know you are on to them! They tend to be somewhat paranoid and this spins them a little. It makes them question things. They may not ever reach a logical conclusion and most likely will shift the blame solely on you, but it gets them thinking. Remember.......they have filled your head with the notion that you are crazy and need professional help, not them. This is a plus! Because once you seek professional help, your counselor will stop you and say: "Honey, there's nothing wrong with you, but your soon-to-be-ex is a narcissist!" Then the real healing can begin! Answer I gently and lovingly broached the subject with my N girlfriend and was met with denial and then rage. She then went to all our mutual friends to spread seeds that I was disordered. It definitely wasn't worth it. Answer I have not tried to share most of what I know with my husband (soon-to-be ex I hope), but I have tried to share it with other people that he is trying to recruit to be his NS. It hasn't helped with them though. They have fallen for his lies and now I am the horrible person. I just try to use the information I have to keep myself prepared for his reactions, and to help my children. Answer Darlene, please learn from your past efforts ... no one can be fixed if they do not believe they are broken, be glad you will be free from the N grip. Learn from your experience, and get help for yourself. It is important to understand "why" or "how" you got into the "pickle" in the first place. There is no one answer for all. :) Answer I did in fact share information and continue to do so with the N that I just left--however--he is a cerebral N so his reaction is fascinating--he initially "intellectually" could see where there were similarities between a NPD and his behavior but eventually he refuted each issue or situation we went through and rationalized away his behavior--when I initially was trying to understand our relationship and why I was having these feelings of being abused (although I didn't articulate or understand what I was going through as abuse until after I bought and read Malignant Self Love)--I spent a week basically studying the book and trying to understand the manifestations of the NPD--the book was and is filled with post-its where I made my notes and observations and it serves as a source of discussion and then rage and then denial and then rationalization for my N--he has been a pathological liar, destructive, abusive and dependent all of his life--he now swears to me that he has realized how abusive he has been and will no longer lie or abuse anyone--he has agreed to go to therapy with a therapist I found prior to my leaving---but he is brilliant at morphing the truth and manipulating emotions so I pray that the therapist will be able to handle him and that there in fact may be some hope--I'm curious as to how Dr Sam(author of Malignant Self-love) became so aware of his condition and how his relationships have changed or not since his realization- Answer I tried with my N husband and it was not worth it. He accused me of having problems, attacked the whole field of psychology and threatened to cut me off of his health insurance plan if I sought counseling to deal with him. When I called the health insurance company to find out if I could get insurance statements sent directly to me instead of him because he is the primary holder, it was possible but complicated. At this point, the best route appears to work completely behind his back in developing a solution. Answer They are in denial about it. Unless you make it out not to be a bad thing. Point out all the good things, like healthy narcism, and how narcissist are usually successful and in leadership positions. The less emphasis you place on the negative aspects the more they accept it. If you let them know that you are ok with them being narcissist, then they are ok with it. Don't blame them. Say, "you can't help it. Your parents raised you this way, it's no big deal and everyone has problems." Then list several other people. Let them know that the American way helps to encourage and foster this "package" over "substance" way of life. Then let them know that other see right through them and that you are going to help them get over their small lies first. Tell them they don't have to lie. You are not angry at them for small mistakes. Let them know that being human is ok. We are all human. What we don't like in this house is perfectionist. You will see your narcissist glad for the first time in their lives to finally get to relax, but still very guarded. You are in it with them and not against them. You will help them use it to their advantage. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE DELIVER A NARCISSISTIC INJURY. Don't insult anything from their childhood. Don't bring up specifics on abuse. Focus on future, not past. Don't insult or criticize but be a good example for them. (that's what they do that annoys us, so why switch roles). Answer You can try but they will tell you you are crazy. They will probably ridicule you for using such a big word. Answer I ended the relationship with my emotionally tormenting N in a text message in which I suggested that he should look up Narcissism. I havent heard from him since. Maybe I should mention this tactic under the heading of 'How to End a relationship with a Narcissist'. Answer It could turn into a dangerous situation--see "Fatal Vision" by Joe McGuinness about a narcissist who, when confronted, reacted with rage and violence. Answer I just finished Sam's book.... and was about to go back and re read the highlighted parts when it disappeared. Very disconcerting for me..... I don't really want my N to have access to all that information. I'm pretty upset about it, now that I think about it. I'm currently going through a divorce.... and he's smart enough to assimilate that information to at least curtail some of my advantage. The one time I didn't hide it.... it went poof! I don't think sharing information with them gives them anything more than information you need to protect yourself. Keep it quiet. Tell your close friends... only. Nobody wants to hear or believe this stuff and only those who really care about you will want to stand behind you. I have one really close friend who thinks I'm insane not to take my N back and let him be the good husband and father he promises he wants to be. But, let me tell you.... sometimes I sneak a peek at him when he doesn't know I'm looking.... and his look, malevolent and full of aggression... is pointed at me. Giving him information.... is just taking away some of your advantage in dealing with them. Don't and count yourself lucky to find yourself demystified. Tremusan Answer Absolutely not. The N will take whatever you say and warp it, twist it,and turn it right back onto you. Yes, it would feel great to throw it in his face and prove that you've got him pegged. Chances are someone before you has already told him this. It won't change a thing. And the momentary satisfaction of telling him, will only lead to hours, days, weeks of protacted discussion about HIM. Remember, a N loves attention. This only creates him as the center of attention once again. Answer its not worth it! they think they are perfect and nothing could possibly be wrong with them! if you try then it will be turned against you and you will be made to feel your the crazy one! get profesional help to help you get out of this one, its the only way.i touched on the subject with my soon to be ex but it looked as though it would get very nasty so i decided it was safer not to.
189 people found this useful
Was this answer useful?
Thanks for the feedback!
I'm new to this idea that my "friend" may have narcissism. I too, wonder if he is a narcissist. I've looked at many websites on the subject. When I find the behaviors listed t…o be a narcissist he only fits about 3. They say 5 is the answer for narcissism. However, I've copied excerpts from many different websites that list specific behaviors and have compiled quite a long list that pertains to him. Such as: Values then devalues a significant other. Looks for ways to keep his narcissist supply around. Expects others to do things for him he should do. Lazy. Rage if confronted. Absolutely no empathy for the pain they put you through. Secretive. Lies quite a bit. Manipulative. Never admit they are wrong in a relationship. Latch on to people who are in some way dependent. Has one person who can do no wrong and will not stand any critism for that person. Lacks the ability to recognise the abstract idea. If this is not a narcissist then what is he? I just was dumped by a boyfriend of 10 months. I am divorced over a year and met him four months after my divorce. I have two daughters, one with autism. This guy overwhelmed me with promises and love. After two months, he told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and my special needs daughter. I came to love his two boys. Then after taking a "family" vacation with all the kids two weeks ago, he called me and said he had never loved me. Over the course of the relationship I found him to be a ridiculously jealous, ego-centric, hypochrondriac. Still there were moments of sweetness, especially as he was kind to my daughters. Interestingly enough, he preferred my autistic daughter because she worshipped him ( her dad is not good with her). Sometimes he would fly into rages over my talking to a waiter, etc, even my finding a movie star handsome, saying I didn't make him feel special. Then he would say I was abusing him. He always had to be right, considered himself smarter than everyone else. And I think tried to fake empathy, but it never seemed to have depth. He is a very responsible father but mostly courts his kids worship. He has a hard time disciplining them and talking to them personally because he wants them to see him as perfect. They are like little prototypes of him, still he is a good caregiver to them. Is he a narcissist? The way he left me was so sudden and detached. He does not wish to speak to me, and I expended so much energy trying to be so good to him. It was the promise to love my daugther that really hooked me. Do you think he knew that, or liked the idea of himself as being wonderful enough to love her? He has an enormous ego, is a fastidious dresser, and exercises constantly. I have since found out that he has a history of women he has suddenly left since his wife left him 8 years ago. I spoke to her and she said she felt he had no feelings for her, just like the "services" she provided. Still he wouldn't have left her, but was chronically unhappy with her. He told me he never fell in love with her, the same line he used with me and all the other women he has hurt. I was very vulnerable when I met him. MY Ex was emotionally abusive. Does he sound like a narcissist? Oh, yes, he also never wanted me to talk and say "I love you" during sex. Sex was great, but kind of mechanical. He would mostly keep his eyes shut and if I talked at all, he said I took him out of the moment. Kind of like he was doing it with himself. He told me in the past, he has had sexual dysfunction problems but it was because the women was untrustworthy. Anyway, when I called him on his coldness about the breakup, he said I was abusing him. He is just done with me, like a switch turned off. What do you think? I know this is not the answer to your question but maybe it will help. This is a great question. What if s/he demonstrates the symptoms of this frustratingly hopeless personality affliction, but is only APPEARING to be narcissistic due to a different, possibly more profound or more TREATABLE issue? I grappled with that very question. My gf had an array of conflicting issues that, I rationalized, could produce an overwhelmingly self-centered, unempathic, etc. outward attitude. She had menopausal mood swings, depression, alcoholism, ongoing financial crises and troubling family issues. I was hopeful that her attitude toward me COULD conceivably improve as she struggled with her demons. As I reasoned: she had sought hormones & anti-depressant therapy; she had begun to search for sobriety, she was proactive toward her finances and her family circumstances were evolving. With great hope, I noticed that the medications had a generally positive impact on some of her overt nastiness. But, still, despite her great proclamations of love & bliss, her big plans & promises, she continued to treat her dog better than she treated me! Even if it is possible that her "improvable" life issues continued to actively cause her negative attitude, normal people are usually sensitive to their bad treatment of others. Despite some improvement, she, on the other hand, continued to rely on excuses, still never took responsibility for her unpredictable rages, remained amazingly defensive to perceived criticism, all the while extending 'apologies' that were phrased like "I am sorry that you got so upset." It may be possible that certain intolerable human behaviors are the result of different combinations of stimuli. If so, it would also be possible that if the right combination of offending stimuli could be neutralized or removed, the intolerable behavior might be improved. But, really, what's the difference? If s/he acts like a narcissist, you've noticed because of how terrible, confused and hurt you've been feeling. Worry about YOU! His/her problems, not matter how profound, are their problems to solve; they are not yours. If you are being treated badly, by a narcissist, a person acting like a narcissist or any other, for your own good, you:must end the relationshipaccept that you have taken a difficult fist stepallow yourself to take a lot of time to grievegive yourself time to come to terms with what you've been throughseek counselingavoid rebounding into a relationship until you feel bettergo to this wiki.answer link; read about abuse: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/FAQ/1880
If you tell your ex narcissistic partner you are sharing the story of the abusive relationship with everyone how will that effect them?
It probably depends on who you tell and the repercussions. Otherwise, my sense is it won't matter much. Depending on the level of skill you narcissist ex has, they've already …maneuvered to his/her own version of the story. The real point is, though, that they have no conscience, no ability to empathize and know that there are endless sources of the supply they need from a host of damaged people who can be duped. And, ultimately, that's why they don't need to look back. The people they can't con are the ones they'll no longer talk to, anyway. I don't mean to hurt you when I say that. I am so sorry for what I imagine you've been through. And I strongly encourage you to tell your story. Those who don't believe are not worth the relationship. Those who get it will likely end up being some of your truest friends. Something the narcissist will never have.
For the same reason cult leaders do. They don't want any "voices of reason" undermining their plans or their quest for control. They don't want any family members, friends, cl…ergy, etc. to get in the way of what they are trying to achieve. Its easier to brainwash someone if your voice is the only voice they ever hear. ~ T I like this question because it signifies a Narcissistic control tactic that overpowered me. I am no longer with the N. I was the one who called a halt to a relationship that was totally governed by him...in fact the only control I ever did have was severing the relationship point blank. My partner isolated me in every fashion he knew possible...this does not mean that he enjoyed my company when he had me in his clutches. On the contrary, although my dedication to him was total, at the cost of injuring all other worthwhile relationships, he was never satisfied with me, per se. He would constantly belittle my actions and comments, would tease me about my appearance or 'suggest' I make changes to same; continually gave me instructions on how best do the most mundane tasks that I had been capable of doing since birth, tormented me about my driving skills, kept on asking me to speak up ("I can't hear you"!); nastilly ran down my children, mother, siblings, friends (and cats) and outlined the shortcomings of each individual and how they were doing wrong by me; would ignore me for lengthy periods of time until he had a few drinks whereby afterwards he would become all cutsie and uncontrollable (this pattern assumed itself day in, day out); never once bought me a birthday or Christmas present but made a hoopla about each occassion when it related to him; refused to have any physical contact for days; arranged each of my days according to his plans; sulked or became furious if I altered any arrangement made by him; questioned every phone call I received; left me stranded in foreign places when he was angry and left me to find my own way back (to home, hotel, camp site etc); intentionally ogled other women; made outrageous promises that he never kept; ignored me when I was hospitalised with a serious condition; hell...the list goes on. For months I believed that him wanting me 'to himself' was a sign of affection. Anyone who understands how Ns work will acknowledge how I believed this. My relationship went from one of total control with isolation to desertion. The N travelled the globe for a year, alone.On his return it took him days to contact me and when he did it was only to ask for my help with something that would benefit him...I knew it was time to go. When Ns isolate you you become dependent on them and their way of life...it takes a while to adjust back into the real world after leaving an N but if you can actually make the break and resume normal life again you will rejoice and celebrate it with so much vigour that ideas of being back with the N will assume the status of nightmares. Trust me...you can leave! Isolation is about power and control. It is also about the perpetrator having a low sense of self esteem. I counseled a woman whose husband took their phones out of the house as he was leaving for work. They lived in a rural area and she did not have a car so she was completely isolated. I also worked with a perp who put his wife's car on blocks for the purpose of isolating her from family and friends.
permissive parents. 8/31/07 Narcissism, in both genders (although there are subtypes usually attributed to males), is essentially a psychological response to low self-esteem.… The narcissist develops a coping mechanism (like believing one's accomplishments are greater than they are and feeling entitled to respect and admiration) as a way of dealing with the pain of their own perceived worthlessness. So the real question, then, concerns possible early childhood causes of low self esteem. While some aspects of permissive parenting can be related, it is very common for self esteem issues to arise from some sort of emotional abuse, physical abuse or other trauma. Personality disorders, in general, are rather dramatic, subconscous, psychological responses to abuse or perceived abuse. Brenda Mayer ResponseThis is a very intelligent answer given. I am wondering though that in abusive environments parents can also be overly permissive and smothering while at the same time neglecting or abusing the child in other ways. For instance a parent will mete out severe punishment for the slightest personal infraction yet provide no real discipline for the child. Social manners, completeing chores, homework, etc... I was roomates once with a diagnosed NPD female. I was under the impression her mother was too close to her allowing too many things to pass yet not really there for her to learn right from wrong. I remember she was very upset once because her mother suspected her of lying "yet again". It was a trivial matter but she seemed more upset at having been reminded she was a liar rather the fact she had done something wrong. She would allways get these guys and people she considered to be inferior to surround her and be "best buds" while she complained and moaned about their ineptness behind their backs. I kept my guard around her but she found a way to stab me in the back and lef t me like an empty carcass. A few months later she hovered around me again and wanted me to be her new roomate because she was tired of being alone and no one at work wanted anyting to do with her etc... . I told her I was fine where i was. She left the room and burst into tears. I think sometimes when a close parent is overly permissive and "good" to the child that the child secretly resents not being taught right from wrong and looses sense of who he/she is. ....or maybe the mother feels guilty from some past sin and tries to make it up to the child. The child in turn must sense some kind of unatural omnipotence.
Answer . It depends how old they are. If they aren't teens yet then too much information can sometimes not be a good thing. All young children only see "mom and dad" and… whatever is going on between mom and dad is between them. Just assure the children that none of it is their fault and sometimes people just have problems or stop loving each other in a certain way. Kids today (as I am sure you know) are very bright. If you have teens then sit them down and explain things to them. It really isn't necessary to even say your spouse is a narcissist and you can simply just say things didn't work out and you fell out of love with each other, but if you choose to tell your teens then be sure your spouse is a true narcissist and it's just not a label given by yourself, family or friends. Perfectionists and highly intelligent people can come falsely under the label of "narcissist."
Can you confront a narcissistic mother about being a narcissist Can you let them know how narcissism damaged you?
If you want them to know exactly what gets to you and how to do it and how hurt you feel when they do it then go right ahead. Think about that before you allow the perso…n who can inflict the most damage on you to know your inner most thoughts and feelings. They will either hurt you harder in the same way, or you will make them feel guilt and they will hurt you again for making them feel guilty. You cant change them but you can change yourself.
you'd have to tell us more about your partner. Is Your Partner a Narcissist? Answer True or False # He loves accolades, compliments, and recognition. # He exagg…erates his achievements. # He brags about his prowess as a lover and expects you to lavish praise on his performance. # Nothing is ever his fault; he can justify just about anything he does. # Anything you can do, he can do better. # Anything you know, he knows more. # He's charming and attentive with people in positions of power. # He likes to associate with popular or important people. # He doesn't have much time for you because he puts so much energy into his job or a hobby. # He takes pride in his appearance and is well-groomed. # His eyes scan the room when you're talking. # He can be cold and dismissive to those he thinks are less important or of no use to him. # He doesn't notice if you aren't satisfied after sex. # If you disagree with him, he disregards your opinions. # He expects you to always look good. # If he doesn't like what you're wearing, he criticizes you. # He plays mind games, alternately acting committed and distant. # He demands what he wants, whether it's the corner office or the best table at a restaurant. # He expects people to cater to his whims, wants, and needs. # He twists all of your arguments to make you seem like the guilty one. # Even if he is in the wrong, he'll act like he's the victim. # If things are going wrong in his life, he blames anything and anyone but himself. # He can be mean and insulting. # He's a bit of a flirt, or you've heard others refer to him as a "player." # If he feels someone has put him down, he's likely to lash out. Scoring Key: Count the number of true statements. 8 or fewer: Keeper He's a regular guy whose ego lies within normal limits. Yes, he may sometimes be boastful, especially if you answered true to items 1 to 6. And true answers from 7 to 10 mean he might be vain-or simply an ambitious man on his way up the corporate ladder. "A person can display a few narcissistic traits, but not have a full-on personality disorder," Buehler says. "Our culture breeds these qualities. Think of the audacity of some American Idol contestants!" 9 to 19: Braggart "This is a person who is moderately full of himself," says W. Keith Campbell, PhD, associate psychology professor at the University of Georgia and author of the book When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself. The key is, he explains, to evaluate how your guy is narcissistic in the context of his overall character. For example, true answers to items 11 to 16 indicate a disturbing lack of empathy and compassion. But false answers to those statements indicate that his positive traits override his grandiose tendencies. 20 or more: Egomaniac Watch out! Your partner might be a full-blown narcissist-especially if you answered true to many questions from 17 to 25. These statements point to a sense of entitlement or aggression-the nastiest components of narcissism. "In that case, you have cause for real concern, and he could get worse," says Campbell. "If it were me, I would run like hell, especially if you see signs of violence, infidelity, abuse, controlling behavior, or anger."
They need someone who is as focused on them as they are on themselves. So they'd be better off with someone with really low self esteem, or just someone who is a… real giver, and wouldn't mind never getting anything in return.
Your partner is a narcissist you want him to leave your home but he has nowhere to live and no money what should you do?
Kick him out. He's an adult --- he's USING your feeling sorry for him.
For many reasons: Narcissism present a false image to others (and even to themselves)- butter wouldn't melt in their mouths in public but behind closed doors they are abusiv…e dragons. They will abandon you for various reasons; 1) one could be to show everyone that they they left you because you are the problem and not them. They love transferring the blame onto the other partner. 2) They are also afraid that their partner is going to show them up for who they really are to the world, their family and friends. They cannot have that their poor false image will get tainted hence they'll abandon you before that occurs to save their image and again lay blame at your door. He regards and treats people as though they were objects: exploits and discards them. He mistreats people around him by asserting his superiority at all times, by being emotionally cold or absent, by constant bickering, verbal humiliation, incessant (mostly unjust) criticism, by provoking uncertainty and by actively rejecting or ignoring them. All his interpersonal relationships are deformed and sick. The longer the relationship - the more it is tinted by the pathological hue of narcissism. In his marriage, the narcissist recreates the conflicts with his Primary Objects. He is immature in every walk of marriage, sex included.
A: Believe your gut! NEVER believe a Narc. And GET AWAY FROM HIM! A: To believe in him requires you to trust with your heart. But if in your heart you bel…ieve otherwise, follow your instinct.
A - How do you know they are narcissist? B - Why do you assume that the friend doesn't already know? C - Why do you think they might want to know? D - Is it any of your …concern? If you can satisfactorily (and honestly) answer those questions then yes, tell the friend, otherwise leave the matter lie.
Only if you are sure they will take it the right way. They may get very angry at you and stop speaking to you.
as in "throw pies at her"? It's not the favoured method of humiliating people in real life but I suppose it could happen.
There may be conflicts when sharing information with partners when confidentiality is broken. Conflicts may also arise when information reserved for a "need-to-know" basis… is unveiled.
They won't except it or even listen to you in the first matter, everything is all about them. Even if what you say is very true, a narcissist will take it personal and claim t…he victim role well until you stop "insulting them". They will not believe it one bit and will seek vengeance on others when confronted with the truth because they cant handle critism of any kind. Narcissist are sick in the head and lack empathy for others but expect people to go easy or have empathy for them. Be careful, they just may play tit for tat with you because they're very "extreme" and immature even at an old age. Narcissist want to bring you and others down when theyre exposed and will try all types of tactics to make you and others look bad because you exposed the truth about them, and thats one thing narcissist won't forget! Hateful creatures, wolves in sheep clothing is what they really are. They play sweet infront of some and show their colors infront of others. Be careful!
From my own experience a narcissist will never change. Theyre emotional vampires, never happy however much another person tries to give them.