What is the best way to confront a cheating wife when you have undeniable proof?

Answer 1

Some might say that it would be best to confront her at the front door by pushing her backwards down a flight of stairs. While this might provide you with some temporary relief, it is illegal and worse than what she did. No woman is ever worth going to jail over.

Before confronting your cheating partner you must ask yourself a very important question. "Are you ready to walk away?" You must spend a good amount of time thinking about this answer. Know your criteria for workable vs. no-go "Bye-Bye time". Spend time thinking about your relationship and how this will scar it. Regardless of whether you forgive your partner, can you forget in time? Or will this haunt you and keep you awake at night years down the road. In 10 years will suspicion still consume you when your partner calls to say he/she will be late coming home?

Try to rationalize why this happened and what changed in your relationship that brought you from the initial infatuation to the present. Try to conceive a timeline in your head. This way you may come to self realizations of critical turning points in your relationship. Ask your self if you could avoid those decisions or situations moving forward, then during your confrontation ask your partner the same. First suggestion is to ask your self "What have I done to make my partner WANT to cheat?" If you have trouble answering this question you may simply be faced with an impulsive partner with little willpower and a general lack of respect. Try to reason it out in your head, step back and analyze all the angles for your partner's reasoning. This will help you be more prepared for the confession which will be painful and usually contain facts that will surprise you. For example you may assume this has been going on for a couple months when in fact it was going on for 5 years. Hearing that can rattle even the most calm and collected confrontation and if you aren't prepared, could possibly send civility out the window. Be prepared.

Before confronting your partner go off alone by yourself and get good and mad. Get it all out in your head. Go for a long drive and talk to yourself. Yell at her to yourself and get all your stress, anxiety, and animosity out and in the clear. Assume the worst case scenario when doing this so you can face, and confront all your anger. The key here is that you grieve and vent BUT not to your partner. When you confront your partner you MUST do it calmly, collected, organized and most of all in a civil manner. It's ok to express feelings of sadness, disappointment and a broken heart but do not express outward anger even if you plan on detonating your relationship. It is ok to be angry, and it may take months or years to conquer your anger, you just need to get yourself mentally prepared to discuss the situation without yelling, screaming, name-calling, or temper tantrums. You will be required to drive the bus during this conversation and it's impossible to drive the conversation if you pop a gasket. Think of this as 'intervening' with your partner's behavior rather that 'confronting'. Confront is the root of confrontation.

You must allow your partner to explain. Do not be surprised if they deny it or attempt to lie out of it. This is a time when you are forcing them to confront shame and embarrassment, so it is only natural for them to try and lie or wiggle out of it. If you have your facts in line and you know for certain, rationally explain it all in a very calm and collected manner. Calmly explain to your partner that you would like to work out the issues but this will require mutual truth. Explain that you are past the anger and you want to work things out. If you have followed the game plan to this point your calm demeanor should help assuage any doubts. Explain to your partner that if they are unwilling to come clean and discuss it then anything other than a complete severance would be a waste of time. Most cheating partners at this point will break and come clean if you have done all your pre-work, and you actually have irrefutable evidence of the affair.

Keep in mind that you can never un-say the things you are about to say and in time, when your inner anger subsides you do not want to regret things said in the heat of passion regardless of justification. Marriage and/or children only compound this difficulty and make it even more important. Remember if you have children you will most likely be dealing with your partner or soon-to-be-ex for a long time and they will have plenty of opportunities to retaliate with childish behavior and uncooperative shared parenting.

Don't resort to name calling (or physical violence!). If this is a situation involving marriage you are going to end up in court quite possibly and anything you do from here out will have a direct impact on any litigation that may be inevitable. You could have been the best husband or wife on earth for 11 years but if you fly off the handle for 45 seconds, call your wife a "slut" and slap her (even gently) the court will only see a violent, vindictive husband and you may well spend a night or two in jail, with a restraining order preventing you from going within 100 yards of your home which you will still have to make payments on. Not to mention you will have given your spouse the court's sympathy. At this point try to think of your spouse as a friendly but competitive co-worker. You know them and work with them but you still watch your self, keeping all your cards held tight because you know they will use anything they can to get the upper hand on you. 'If ya ain't swinging with me, yer swingin' against me'.

Above all, remember that this is not the end of the world, but if you do choose to make this a relationship terminating event, this confrontation will be one of your last memories together. The things you say here will forever stay with you. Should you choose to forgive and work it out, what you say and do here will never be FORGOTTEN. Everyone knows this situation is hard, and it sounds silly but: remain positive. This is a part of life many people have to deal with.

Answer

You know it. She knows it. Just come out with it. Put all the cards on the table and get real. It's not going to go away unless you deal with it, right then and now. This is reality.

Answer

Confront (without Violence). Listen (without interruption). Patience. Understanding. and above all, forgiveness...after all, she only cheated to get your attention.

This is if you want to save your relationship...if you don't, why ask?

Just remember when asking, "treat her as you would want to be treated."

Answer

What I did: Show her the proof and try to talk to her. Get her to try counseling and swear that you can change to help her feel loved like you should have done in the first place.

What happened next : She said ok, I changed, we hung out and had lots of fun, the cheating didn't stop.

What I wish I'd have done: Drop kick her out the door and change the locks.

I don't think there is a way to handle it. It hurts you more than it will her no matter how you do it, so whatever is easiest on you.

Answer

Congratulations, you are almost to the final stage of the cycle. You have undoubtedly made absolute sure THIS time, to compile all of that painful time and energy to build an airtight case. This time there is no way for it to turn into a "mistake", "I did not think it would happen", 'It is not the way it looks","It is not what you think" "you are blowing it out of proportion" You are obsessed with this, /just looking for a way to make her look bad/ she can't believe you taped her conversation, or followed her, or went through her stuff, spied on her, read her mail, or...and don't forget "trapped her",made things up, acting like a cop, so paranoid, smothered her, ignored her, gave her no choice, whew...I am tired....you finish this part...thanks....

Ok, your 15 seconds of recognition, that you WERE right approaches,finally she will have to face the music, her paranoia accusations vaporize, she sees what a horrible mistake it was, what she did to you, and she almost lost the best thing she ever had (she won't use the word "you", but you get to assume that), after all, it IS YOUR fantasy, here....oops, sorry, continuing.... She cries, you cry, you forgive her, have wild make-up sex, then you try to ignore those pesty thoughts about being unsure if you made the right decision....and go to sleep.

(Just a suggestion at this point...if you have not already thrown away all those notes documenting your case yet,, you might consider filing them instead of pitching them....) You may need them sometime...next time (in your mind) they can be used a proof of a pattern, which unfortunately, will be inadmissable for anything other than proof of your distrust of her (or paranoia), because this next time .....will....of course be totally unrelated or have anything connected with that "past" crisis (in her mind), which interestingly enough, is hard for her to recall details of. And it is the past, so what does it matter now?

I am sorry for your pain, which is all too familiar in my past, and is only eased by accepting the fact that there is no such thing as ghosts, or "undeniable proof" on her terms, or the day you will see justice, acknowledgment, or any of the other "success" stories from others offering "proof" in their own experience it can be done ( probably since they just might have been in your wife's position, in their story).

I am not downplaying your pain, I have been there, and hope you get through it. I hope you will be calm enough to take note of a very important clue offering insight into your future during your "fact facing interlude" exposing your wife's misdeeds. Observe how many of her responses directly "convey feelings". Particularly concern for your feelings. (I care,hurt you,need you,want you, feel you, understand you,disappointed you,deceived you).

Don't get flustered if you forget your pencil, sadly, you will be lucky if you even need one hand to tally the votes.

Sometimes, you must face the facts, even sad ones and accept that maybe what is there is this: Two sad people, hurt people,, but good people, where one made a terrible mistake,and although aware of the price, never really thought it may actually end anything. And the saddest part of all, which will confirm your worst fears for the future,,, is when you here her say

"We have gotten through other things together, and we can get through this too, if you do not give up on it".

If you bite on this one,,,jot it down, I will bet you will be hearing them in the future.

Good Luck, know you are not alone...

Answer

The best way to do it is to do it calmly. Tell her that you want to know the truth and that you will not get upset or go crazy about it. My wife cheated on me and when she told me about it I went crazy. Then later on when I wanted to know more she was afraid to tell me because she thought that I was going to get more mad. Talk to her in a very calm way first. Be her best friend at that time, and when you feel that you have gotten all of your questions answered, then decide what you are going to do. If you have no proof but you feel that she is doing it, then you must be right. Trust your instincts. If she tells you that she is going some where, follow her, check her cellphone, credit card bills, home phone, mileages in the cars. If you really love her or you want to find out the truth, follow her. Ask her questions and try to get her on her on lies. Someone who is cheating will lie. And trust me on this one, they are not very good liars. I have caught my wife in so many lies that she had no choice to tell me the truth.