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What should an abuse victim do if they cannot convince their abuser to get help?
Wiki User
∙ 18y ago
I do understand how you are feeling because I was in an abusive marriage at one time. It started out as verbal abuse, then got physical. It took me 3 1/2 years to shake my head and realize I did nothing wrong and it was time to leave. We are in control of our own destiny and if we want freedom bad enough we can most certainly attain it. YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR HIS ACTIONS! At any given time you can go to a friends place and call an "Abused Women's Center" or Mental Health and they will get you some help, and never look back. YOU CAN have freedom from this jerk, but first, you have to learn that YOU DON'T DESERVE THE WAY YOU ARE BEING TREATED! You did nothing wrong. Even if a wife nagged, cheated, etc., the husband has the same freedom to leave her and no right to stay in the relationship and make her pay for it (not accusing you here of being any of those things.) Abusers get a rush from control. They can't control society or the environment out in society, but they can sure control things at home behind closed doors. Abusers brain-wash their victims by stripping them of their dignity and self-confidence. No matter how hard the victim tries to please the abuser it's never good enough because the abuser actually self-loaths themselves, but they are like a run-away locomotive. They hate what they have become, try to spout off from greased lips that they are in the right, but every fiber of their body tells them they are wrong and it makes them angry. In most cases abusers do come from the environment surrounding them when they were growing up, or it could have been an incident like a controlling boss or previous wife. Every so often you get a guy that is just plain mean to the bone. Abusers can appear shy, quiet, loud, obnoxious, narcissistic, fat, thin, tall, short and from any walk of life and any color of skin. Get mad not even! Make a plan, pack a few things that you feel you need (personal pictures, some clothing, etc.) and get out of there. Abusers NEVER CHANGE! You can't force anyone for any reason to get help. Abuser don't want help because they think they are in the right and everyone else is wrong. There is a bright future for you out there and freedom! It may take you some time to get use to being on your own and you may be fearful (I was) but after a few months you feel like a caged bird set free. A few years after I left my abusive husband I was introduced to a wonderful man and will be married 34 years this August. There is so much out there for you and I sure hope you reach for the stars! If I can do it anyone can do it. Good luck hon Marcy
Wiki User
∙ 18y ago
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The power relationship between the abuser and the victim?
The victim has no power or they would not be abused. The abuser always has the control. Children and the elderly are victimized often in society as well as men and women. The abuser will start out by abusing psychologically and 'put down' their victim until they leave their victim confused with no self confidence. The abuser may threaten to leave their victim (this is terrifying to the elderly); leave the wife and take the children; talk of killing the victim or anyone that is close to them. The abuser often isolates their victim so their victim has no family or friends to turn too and they have to suffer in silence and depend on their abuser.
How can a victim leave an abuser with no money?
* Most victims of abuse just want to leave with the clothes on their back and are not worried about leaving their abuser penniless. The abuser has taken everything from their victim ... their dignity; peace of mind; brain washed them into believing no other man would want them and they are useless and will never make it out in the world on their own; alienated them from their family and friends and controlled all money issues in the relationship. If there are children involved then the best you can hope for is child support and that would have to go through the courts. Victims of abuse generally want no part of their abuser and will do anything to stay completely away. The victim should seek help from Women's Abuse Centers to find a 'safe place' until they can get on their feet. These centers give moral support; programs about victims of abuse; go to court with them; help with any children the victim may have and help them find a job. If you are smart you'll head out the door and never look back and not look for revenge because the abuser always loses in the end ... they hang themselves with their own rope.
Is it common for the abused victim to be smarter and better looking and more socially accepted than the abuser?
Yes. But it is also common for the abuser to be all of those things. Abusive realtions are common, physical and verbal, romantic and non.
Why do so many Abuse websites and talk shows that deal with abuse suggest that the victim get counseling when it is plain that this will just be another thing for the abuser to use against her?
If the victim hasn't left on her own, it's obvious that just telling her to leave won't make much sense. Most responsible advice tells the abuser and victim to go to counseling so that the problem can be accurately diagnosed and both parties will be able to slowly acknowledge the eventual outcome. Using that method results in far fewer problems in the long run. It may appear to be a clear problem to some people with an obvious answer, but other people need a little time to live with the problem and learn to deal with it and yes, even to have a chance to change their behavior. Because, while the abuser is in definite need of counseling, so is the victim of abuse. There are personality traits, learned behaviors and traumatic instances that an abuse victim may be able to alter given the right therapy. Juts the fact that your're worried that therapy is something that can be used against the victim rather than a tool to free her indicates a need for counseling.
Why do talk show hosts seem to look the other way when dealing with abusers and send the abuser home with the victim when the reality is that she faces serious repercussions for her candid statements?
The public heard her confessions and she has everyone's sympathy for the abuse. Do you think the abuser will go back to his old ways when people will now be watching him closer? It is possible that they could, but this person will have all sorts of hard evidence when she does finally divorce him. Being on TV may be a real push to change for this abuser.
The power relationship between the abuser and the victim?
The victim has no power or they would not be abused. The abuser always has the control. Children and the elderly are victimized often in society as well as men and women. The abuser will start out by abusing psychologically and 'put down' their victim until they leave their victim confused with no self confidence. The abuser may threaten to leave their victim (this is terrifying to the elderly); leave the wife and take the children; talk of killing the victim or anyone that is close to them. The abuser often isolates their victim so their victim has no family or friends to turn too and they have to suffer in silence and depend on their abuser.
Explain how God forgives a sexual abuser who stop but was once a victim?
if the abuser is genuinely sorry for what he has done, admitted his wrong to both the victim and to god and has taken genuine steps to repent.however, if the abuser was once a victim, in y opinion, it makes the situation worse, as the abuser should be fully aware of the dammge he/she has done.I was violently raped, but i have no desire to abuse another human being.
Why do victims of abuse blame themselves?
Abusers often manipulate the victim to make them believe that everything is their fault. The guilt is unjustified, but it sometimes takes a long time for them to realize and come to terms with. You should be very sensitive to a victim who is in this position, and give them the reassurance that they deserve. This is not their fault, and the abuser wants this reaction to convince the victim to go back with him.
What makes people vulnerable to abuse and the power relationship between the abuser and the victim?
the abuser is called sadist & the victim is called masochist.
Does the abuser have the right to be at the victim's deposition?
No, not at deposition if the victim opposes. But the accused abuser may request to watch the recorded deposition or monitor through video at real time.
What mental and physical signs are related to Stockholm Syndrome?
Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser/controller Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends, or authorities trying to rescue/support them or win their release Support of the abuser’s reasons and behaviors Positive feelings by the abuser toward the victim Supportive behaviors by the victim, at times helping the abuser Inability to engage in behaviors that may assist in their release or detachment
What role does fear play in abusive relationships?
The abuser of the victim will first alienate the victim from their family and friends and can even move to another town in some cases. An abuser is sly as a fox and at first often can win over not only the victim with kindness and generosity, but also win over family and friends. However, there are many cases where family and friends can often see right through the abuser even before he segregates his victim. Once the two are alone the changes can come quickly such as verbal abuse (the abuser is inwardly unhappy about their own failures in life and will transfer this onto the victim) and then the physical abuse often comes next. Sometimes the abuser will never apologize to his victim, but many do and continue to promise that they will never do it again, but they do. The abuser is aware they have total control over their victim and if the victim shows any sign of independence or that they are going to leave the relationship this is when the real fear starts because the abuser will instill the fear of either killing their victim; their family or, if there are children the abuser may threaten to harm the children or have the victim believe she will never get her children as she is an unfit mother. The victim is basically brainwashed; lost all confidence in themselves; has been alienated from her family and friends and has nowhere to turn. The fear is real and the threats from the abuser are often real as well.
Should a victim who has been researching abuse demand to be treated with respect by their abuser in exchange for stopping their research?
No. And you can't bribe someone to treat you well. Either the person is going to respect you or they aren't. You can't say, "Tell you what, treat me well and I'll stop researching abuse." If you're the victim, you have no leverage. The abuser has all the control. The victim is usually not in the position to be making deals and demands. The only thing that will stop the abuse is getting away from the abuser. ~ T
Why is it not OK to expose the very people that use abuse and control their victim until the victim sees what is happening and realizes shes been scammed by narcissistic ego maniac on the prowl again?
It is OK to expose the person that uses abuse to control their victim, but it is the victim that has to report their abuser. Like any abuser whether narcissistic or has a large ego others do see these flaws in the abuser, but in many cases the victim at the beginning (unaware) often refuses to believe what others have to say about their abuser until the victim finds out the hard way. Many victims can feel ashamed or angry that it took them so long to figure out that the person they loved is an abuser, but abusers are extremely sly when it comes to luring their victims into their web. There is not much you can do about the abuser if you have left him, but you should get help from an Abused Woman's Center or a psychologist to learn the signs of abusive behavior so you do not make the same mistake twice. There are often small signs from an abuser from the beginning such as perhaps telling you what to wear; order your meals at restaurants and then slowly they alienate you from your family and friends. Then the abuser has you under their complete control and that is when the victim sees the ugly side of their abuser. You can tell anyone you like what the abuser is like and some will believe you and others will not or you can move forward in your life and realize you have learned from the bad relationship and will not make the same mistake again. Generally abusers will be caught at their own game.
Is it normal for a victim who has figured out her abuser to want to scream 'You are an abuser and you need serious help' during an argument?
Not to scream it, but definitely let them know
What happens if the victim does not show up to a domestic violence case in New York?
The court will record the fact the victim did not turn up for a domestic violence case and it will be up to the victim's lawyer to decide what is next. Sometimes the victim of abuse feels threatened by her abuser or has been threatened to drop the case against the abuser.
If you exposed your abusers abuse will he abuse his next victim?
No matter whether you expose it or not, he will probably abuse his next victim anyway. An abuser finds it difficult to imagine not abusing another, as their abuse reassures them of their control. Abusers feel a need to exert control in order to compensate for a childhood which they had no control over. In some ways, we should pity them; but they cannot all be helped. An abuser can only change if they have the desire to change, and are prepared to face some very harsh realizations. Counseling is good for this, but not all counselors are prepared. The abuser will have to find one that suits him.
