What steps can an abused woman take to protect herself and her children?

Answer 1

There are a number of things that a woman can do to protect herself and her children from an abuser, and there are a number of signs and warnings to watch for in an abuser. This can be a learned behavior. Often, when a young boy grows up seeing his father abuse his mother, he may grow up believing that is a normal marriage, and do the same with his wife. Some husbands, who, when sober, would never hit their wife, will become extremely violent when drunk or using drugs.
Domestic violence can also be a result of deep-seated insecurity in the husband. For example, if the husband grew up in an unstable home, or if he was treated as "not good enough" by other kids when growing up, or if he was betrayed by a loved one, these can result in insecurity. This type of insecurity can result in abusive treatment of his wife as a way of boosting his own self-esteem. Another possible reason for insecurity would be if the husband doesn't earn enough money to support his family, leading the wife to have to get a job. This can cause him to resent her for the fact that she has to work to help support the family, something which causes some men to feel like failures.

Some men are controlling by nature, which can also result in them being abusive husbands. These are some warning signs to look for in an abusive husband:

• He wants you to account for every minute when you go to the store, to visit family and friends, etc.

• He tries to isolate you from family and friends.

• He is demanding and controlling, makes all the decisions, even telling you what to wear, how to clean the house, etc.

• He talks to you in a demeaning, humiliating manner.

• He criticizes you in everything you do.

• He destroys your belongings.

• He threatens to kill your pets.

• He threatens to kill you or himself.

• He shoves, slaps and hits you.

• He tells you you're a bad parent, or threatens to take your children away from you.

• He takes your money (from your paycheck or Social Security) and makes you ask him for money.

• He intimidates you with weapons, such as guns and knives, etc.

• He acts as if the abusive behavior is no big deal, or even blames you for it, saying that "you made him do it."

What to do if an attack is imminent or in progress:
If your abuser is threatening to attack you and you feel you are in danger, stay away from rooms where there is no escape -- such as a bathroom with no window -- or from a closet. Stay away from the kitchen, where there are knives. And don't ever think he can't overpower you and take the knife away from you. Also, if it came down to it, do you really feel you could use the knife on him? Usually not. Get to a room with a door or a window through which you can escape. Teach your children not to get in the middle of a fight between you and your abuser, who could turn on them. Get to a room with a phone, so you can call for help. When you do escape, run to a trusted neighbor and call the police.

Steps you can take to keep you and your children safe and plan an escape: Begin saving as much money as possible, even if it's only a few cents or a couple of dollars at a time. Memorize emergency numbers, and teach them to your children. Decide on a safe place to go if you need to escape. Pack a bag with money, an extra set of car and house keys, important documents (birth certificates, medical records, passports, etc.) and find a safe place to hide it -- but where you can get it to quickly when needed. You can even give it to a family member or trusted friend for safekeeping. Enlist the help of a trusted neighbor to call the police in the event of a violent outburst. Have a signal so they know they need to call the police for you in a case such as this: their phone rings twice; a certain window shade is lowered; the porch light is on, etc. Take photographs of any bruises or injuries as evidence of the abuse.

Once you have taken that first step and left your abuser:

Get a court order of protection and keep it with you at all times, and keep a certified copy at home (a Xerox copy is not the same as a certified copy). Change your daily travel routes. Car-pool if possible, so you won't be on the road alone. Use different grocery stores and change your bank. Use a different hairdresser if he knows who you had been going to. Teach your children who to inform if they see your abuser. Have an unlisted phone number and make sure your family and friends, boss, co-workers, your children's school, etc. know not to give your address or phone number to anyone. Cancel any joint bank or credit-card accounts, and open new ones in your own name. Keep a cellphone with you at all times. Keep pepper spray with you at all times. Ask a security guard to walk you to your car or the bus stop after work.

Teach your children never to open the door to your abuser, no matter what he tells them. Have caller ID, and do not answer the phone if you don't recognize the name or number -- he could be calling from some one else's phone -- and teach your children to do the same. Lastly, but certainly not least, once you do leave him, don't ever allow him to talk you into going back to him, saying he "is so sorry, will never do it again and has changed". Men like this don't change, and don't ever fool yourself into thinking you (or your love)can change him.

If you do go back to him, there is a very strong chance that the next time he WILL kill you. And don't ever agree to meet with him some place "just to talk". There are countless women who are now dead and buried because they agreed to "just one more talk". Don't even agree to a meeting in a public place thinking it will be safe to do so there. Women are just as likely to be killed by their abusers in a crowded parking lot, a restaurant, mall, etc. as they are in their home. Use common sense, your instincts and all precautions, and STAY SAFE.

For more information, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233)

1-800-787-3224 (TTY For The Deaf)

Answer 2

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