Why are we who dwell with a narcissistic spouse rendered so speechless and confused when he so loudly and convincingly presents the case that it isn't him being selfish and controlling but you instead?

Answer 1

Go to therapy together and let the therapist decide who has the problem. I don't know, but I have been there many, many times. I suggest you get far, far away from the narcissist to think it over. Whatever that narcissist says to you, I believe it's him being selfish and controlling, I believe it's NOT you. This behavior you are describing is classic narcissist. The only solution is to stop responding and ignore him. Once you stop being his source of narcissic supply, he will go away to find greener pastures. Or if you can possibly manage it, you be the one to leave. It's called projection. My father is a narcissist and that's one of his most re-curring patterns--to accuse the other of exhibiting His undesirable behavior. Usually he will do this after he has raged over the top and been confronted. ANY time he is confronted he will PROJECT and accuse you of what he's guilty of. I know it sounds excessive to use words like "never" or "always" but in this case I can say he truly never takes responsibility for his actions. He will do anything to avoid this. I wish someone would post a new thread specific to the subject of narcissistic projection. It is fascinating. It is so absurd, of course you are left bewildered and speechless. I have a suspicion based on observing my father all these years, that the reason for this projection is that he carries so much frustration and ineptitude in his life (although he is the boss, he is really so dependent on others, he can't get through the day without people constantly doing things for him, and I'm sure he covers up his inadequacies with anger/aggression rather than appear vulnerable) that he has to relieve his frustrations by taking it out on you. This must be a Very big need and it goes hand in hand with his unwillingness to ever be wrong or accept responsibility. Coupled with other volatile feelings of rage, self-righteousness, and a desparate will never to Be the very ugly things they in fact are--they're all too eager to push all that vitrol onto you. For example, my father will throw a tantrum, force you to abide by his will and if you dare to say no or stand up for yourself he will take that and twist it around, accusing the victim of his blowups of being the disagreeable one..He will even accuse you of shouting at him even though you have not (to justify his outbursts). It does seem insane and that is why you are at a loss for words...really there is nothing you can do to communicate with someone like this...The funny thing is, my father is Happy and whistling after his outbursts have been projected successfully onto another person! This is the pattern, and I would be interested to know if this is a pattern common to many... 1. Get's frustrated, impatient, aggressive 2. Tantrum 3. Either a. Projection (accuses the victim of the very behavior he just exhibited!) or b. Blames victim for making him angry.