Why is your narcissistic boyfriend always telling you he wants you out of his life then wants you back again declaring hate and undying love alternately like being on an emotional roller coaster?

Answer 1

This is a typical narcisstic behaviour. I have been there too! I am also a Doctor (he is too), we work for the same institution. He was in and out in the relationship ( he did not want to call it a relationship) he would swing from being nice (I would not call it loving) to being mean, rude, and disrespectful. Examples: he would give me the joke of "let's be friends with benefits". He also said that the reason he did not want to show affection, it was because women get spoilled. Each time I tried to get closer he pushed me away, then accused me of not kwoing how to be in a relation. He wanted to control all aspects of my life. He called me the woman "I want to possess". yet I had no saying on what he did, where and how he spent his weekends (when he desappeared he prefered to communicate through text messages). We did not spend vacations together. He was off to visit his "ex". When I asked why we were not spending evening or week ends together, he said he needed his privacy. I was seeing him on his schedule, never on mine. He never accepted to share anything, any aspect of his life with me. I did not know he had a home phone number !! But even when I was able to see him (at his request, which was everyday) I always felt like I was annexed. He was dying to have sex with me. I waited for a considerable time because I felt he was still (very much) in touch with his (ex) wife, I had doubts. The night we had sex at his place (his way), he woke me up in the morning to ask me if I wanted to have breakfast before leaving or leave and have breakfast at my place (it was Sunday and that was my first visit to his place). He also announced that he had been trying to buy his air plane ticket (while I was sleeping) to go and visit his (ex)wife in the next few days. When we met, he said the divorce was filed. It was a lie !!It took me a year to get out of it, and it is taking me 9 other months to overcome. I was still trying to understand the nature of his relationship with his "ex" wife when I learnt about the new woman (not from him). He told me she was an old friend, he was still calling me honey and darling when he started having his affair with her (in 9 months he called me honey twice, darling once, baby once). He drags the new woman to all our professional dinners and meetings. He needs to show that he can love and be loved and that he dumped me. I cut all kinds of contacts expect when I had to be in a meeting. He tried for four months to have me back (as a friend he said). I changed my numbers, went to therapy and read all I could find to understand myself.To the person who posted this question: leave that jerk. You will have your precious self back. It is hell to leave them but hell is the only path to your survival. Take it !! Don't let him ruin you, don't try to keep him by losing your self, he will dump you anyway. It is not about you , it is about him. you said you are feeling insecure, use him to feel stronger and in control. Trash him you will feel good. It is going to be hell, but don't give him that power, take your power back. This is your chance to feel even better about yourself. He will leave you anyway, even if you stick around. He will never be there for you ! He will excell in demeaning you (he is already doing it) whey would you stay. You are a successfull woman, a doctor, it is not a joke. He does not deserve a minute of your time. Give that time to your self, your patients, give it to other women who need your help. it is Ok to Lose him but it is not OK to lose you!!!freewoman

I wrote this question, but need to vent! I don't know what to do for the best! I've been in a relationship for over a year with someone I think is of the toxic NPD variety. It's like an emotional rollercoaster and I just can't take any more of it. I'm the one who has ended up on anti-anxiety pills, yet I find it hard to walk away because I love this man. Also, I got with him just after I moved to the area - I have no family and few friends here, because he took over my life. Maybe I'm just scared of being lonely, who knows... but... the burning issue: does this sound like NPD?

He can be the most loving, caring person one minute, and the next tell me he hates me and wants me out of his life. If I say the slightest negative thing, he strops off - oh yes, he can throw tantrums to rival those of a two year old. We are both in our late thirties. I have worked hard, gone to uni and got a steady job and my own home. He still lives with his mother who caters to his every whim (and who incidentally also appears to have NPD!). He stays with me one night in the week and Sat/Sun nights. All other nights I'm meant to leave him alone to 'enjoy his time off' of me. He puts an awful lot of negative energy into telling me how much he doesn't want me and wants me to leave him, but the next day he will be declaring undying love. I get a Christmas card telling me how much he hopes we spend many more christmases together, then yesterday he was telling me how he wishes I would just disappear out of his life for good.

He swears at me a lot, calls me names, tells me I'm stupid (I'm a doctor!) and thick, and a dozy cow... tells me he can't say I look good because it will make me big-headed (I'm so not! I'm quite insecure which is why I think I put up with his rubbish). If I say the slightest negative thing (even asking to turn the tap off), he 'dumps' me, packs his bags and creates a scene about going home. If I say anything he doesn't like the sound of on the phone, he puts the phone down. he keeps telling me he wants me, then in the next breath I'm told I'm a flash in the pan and he's lost interest.

He spent a lot of time yesterday telling me how he keeps me away from all his friends because they hate me (they don't know me!) and he's scared I'll embarrass him - how i don't know. I hardly drink, am not crass and have never yet said anything to show him up.

is this all just about protecting his fragile little ego? I really just don't know what to do any more. It seems that if he comes to my house, sits for three hours with his arms folded and ignores me, I'm the one in the wrong when I want to know what's going on. I should just 'mind my own business'.

I could go on and on... but really I suppose I'm just looking for confirmation that this is typical NPD behavior, before he sends me completely over the edge and I start believing I'm the one with the problems!

____________________________________________________________ how in the world can you stay with a guy like that? He's not a man - he's a nothing! Does it really matter if he has a personality disorder distinguished by the dsm when he treats you like crap!? I don't get it at all. You've pretty much written a case against him yet you're still with him. I think you should see a therapist. He/She can help you understand yourself better and to be the strong person you are meant to be. I hope you come to realize that an abusive relationship will always disappoint you and bring you down. You should be insulted when he treats you like this! I'm sorry if i might sound insensitive but you are a young successful woman and you would throw away all the satisfaction that brings for a nothing? Life is short and you my dear are ALIVE. Live your life with joy and love unapologetically and you'll find you have no eyes for losers like that. god bless -D

yes it is npd,my boyfriend asked me to go stay with him 3 months inTulsa,Oklahoma,i live in the Netherlands,that's Europe i went,the second day we had sex,the day after he told me that he didnt feel like he was supposed to feel about me,so he said our romantic relationship was over,but hewanted me to stay ,we could be friends and i could enjoy my time there!so,i stayed,but then he begins with his push and pull games,ignoring me, when he cames back from work,he started to play games on the PC for hours,on the weekends 13 hours playng those games,i wasnt aloud to answer the phone,if he hsad aphone call and got irritated and i asked who it was, i wasnt supposed to ask anything and so went on and on,but if i said ,listen i am going back to holland he would say,see you are not getting what you wanted so you are kicking and screaming and leaving,so if you go back i wont nothing to do with you anymore!so i stayed,and the hesays to me he would be happy when i am gone,because he wants nothing to do with me,if i tried to hug him as a friend,he says friends don't do that with each other,and besides i don't like you!and a day later he would wake me up in the midle of the night and hug me!believe me i thought i was insane!so i left a month earlier and he doesnt want any contact with me anymore because he says i have a bad caracter and he doesnt want nothin g to do with a person like me,wheni was there i bought all groceries,gave gas money etc and i travelled 10.000 miles to be with him,i am sad ,broke and couldn't understand what went on,but now i foun out out is npd,but still hurts,and stupid me i feel sorry for him,i don't understand myself!yesterday he sent me an email telling me to live my own life,he doesnt want to do anything good or bad to me,only he wants nothing to do with me never again!