Dysfunctional family

A dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehavior and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur continually and regularly, leading other members to accommodate such actions. Children sometimes grow up in such families with the understanding that such an arrangement is normal. Dysfunctional families are primarily a result of co-dependent adults, and also affected by the alcoholism, substance abuse, or other addictions of parents, parents' untreated mental illnesses/defects or personality disorders, or the parents emulating their own dysfunctional parents and dysfunctional family experiences.

Dysfunctional family members have common symptoms and behavior patterns as a result of their common experiences within the family structure. This tends to reinforce the dysfunctional behavior, either through enabling or perpetuation. The family unit can be affected by a variety of factors.

Examples of a dysfunctional family

• Denial (i.e. a refusal to acknowledge the alcoholism of a parent or child/teenager; ignoring complaints of sexual abuse; having a workaholic parent), also known as the "elephant in the room."
• Lack of empathy and understanding toward family members
• Lack of clear boundaries (i.e. throwing away personal possessions that belong to others, inappropriate physical boundaries, breaking important promises without just cause)
• Lack of equality and fairness toward younger family members (may include frequent appeasement at the expense of others or uneven enforcement of rules)
• Mixed Messages by having a dual system of values (i.e. one set for the outside world, another when in private, or teaching divergent values to each child.)
• Divorced or separated parents in continuous conflict, or parents who should separate, but do not (to the detriment of their children)
• Adulterous or promiscuous behavior regarding parents/teenagers
• Extremes in conflict (either too much or too little fighting between family members)
• Lack of time spent together, especially in social events and recreational activities ("We never do anything as a family.")
• Family members (including children) who "disown" each other, and/or refuse to be seen together in public (either unilaterally or bilaterally)

Signs of unhealthy parenting

• Disrespect
• Emotional intolerance (family members not allowed to express the "wrong" emotions)
• Ridicule and belittling
• Bitterness
• "I don't care"
• Either no or excessive criticism
• "The know-it-all" (has no need to obtain their child's side of the story when accusing, or listen to child's opinions on matters which greatly impact them)
• Discipline based more on one's emotions than established rules (i.e. punishment by "surprise")
• Isolation (parents unwilling to reach out to other families, especially those with children of the same age and gender)

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Dysfunctional parenting styles

• Using (destructively narcissistic parents)
• Abusing (parents who use physical violence, emotional, or sexual abuse to dominate their children)
• Asymmetrical parenting (going to extremes for one child while continually ignoring the needs of another)
• Perfectionist (fixating on order, prestige, power, and/or perfect appearances.)
• Appeasement (parents who reward bad behavior - even by their own standards, and inevitability punish another child's good behavior to maintain the peace)
• "Along for the ride" (a parent who does not care about their non-biological child, but must co-exist in the same home for the sake of their spouse or partner)
• "The guard dog" (a parent who blindly attacks family members perceived as causing the slightest upset to their esteemed spouse, partner, or child)

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Dynamics of dysfunctional families

• Parents who frequently fight amongst themselves (even if divorced or separated)
• Parents vs. kids
• The balkanized family (named after the three-way war in the Balkans)
• Free-for-all (a family that fights in a free-for-all style)

The table below shows the symptoms of family dysfunction according to three sources (two taken from the same expert). Symptoms that are roughly equivalent are shown in the same row:

Effects on children

Unlike divorce, and to a lesser extent, separation, there is often no record of an "intact" family being dysfunctional. As a result, friends, relatives, and teachers of such children may be completely unaware of the situation. In addition, a child may be unfairly blamed for the family's dysfunction, and placed under even greater stress than those whose parents separate.

Children growing up in a dysfunctional family have been known to adopt one or more of six basic roles:

• The Good Child: a child who assumes the parental role.
• The Problem Child: the child who is blamed for most problems and can also be partly responsible for the family's dysfunction, in spite of often being the only emotionally stable one in the family.
• The Caretaker: the one who takes responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family.
• The Lost Child: the inconspicuous, quiet one, whose needs are often ignored or hidden. Often occurs in balkanized families.
• The Mascot: uses comedy to divert attention away from the increasingly dysfunctional family system.
• The Mastermind: the opportunist who capitalizes on the other family members' faults in order to get whatever he or she wants. Often the object of appeasement by grown-ups.

They may also:

• have moderate to severe mental health issues
• think only of themselves to make up the difference of their childhoods. They're still learning the balance of self-love
• distrust others or even have paranoia
• have difficulty expressing emotions
• have low self-esteem or have a poor self image
• have difficulty forming healthy relationships with others
• feel angry, anxious, depressed, isolated from others, or unlovable
• have feelings of love-hate towards certain family members
• perpetuate dysfunctional behaviors in their other relationships (especially their children)
• lack the ability to be playful, or childlike, and may "grow up too fast"; conversely they may grow up too slowly, or even be in a mixed mode (i.e. well disciplined, but unable to care for themselves)
• often learn to live far away from their families.

See also

• Family therapy
• Narcissistic parents
• Identified patient
• Psychological manipulation
• Alcoholism in family systems
• Harry Stack Sullivan
• Karpman Drama Triangle
• Triangulation (family dynamics)
• The Simpsons a popular American cartoon centered around a dysfunctional family.
• Family Guy a popular American cartoon centered around a dysfunctional family.
• American Dad!, an American cartoon centered around a CIA Agent and his dysfunctional family.

References