This list of episodes of The Colbert Report details information on past and upcoming 2007 episodes of The Colbert Report, a popular Comedy Central show hosted by Stephen Colbert, and produced by Colbert, Jon Stewart, and Ben Karlin. Colbert plays the role of a populist blowhard journalist character, similar to his character on The Daily Show. In The Colbert Report, the former correspondent becomes the host of his own parody of media pundit programs, such as The O'Reilly Factor and Hannity and Colmes.
There are a number of noteworthy recurring elements in most episodes of The Colbert Report. Each episode features "The Wørd" of the day, which serves as a theme for a monologue early in the episode, each has a studio guest later in the episode, and each begins with a brief summary of what the episode will contain, followed by an introductory phrase and then by the theme music. This introductory phrase very often inserts the word truth into a common phrase, such as "Apply truth liberally to the inflamed area," and "this is The Colbert Report" follows, though there are exceptions.
Season 3 (2007)
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January
| # | First aired | "The Wørd" | Studio guest | Introductory phrase | Prod# |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 194 | January 8 | Facts | Ethan Nadelmann | "On the 15th day of Christmas, your true love gave you me. This is The Colbert Report!" | 3001 |
| Stephen opens the show disappointed that Saddam Hussein was suddenly hanged over the show's break. He responds to Lake Superior State University's ban of the word 'truthiness' in "Who's Attacking Me Now?", and gay.com's naming of Stephen as Person of the Year in "Who's Honoring Me Now?"; gives "Stephen's Sound Advice" for getting over the winter blues. | |||||
| 195 | January 9 | Texas Hold 'Em | Jim Cramer | "I'm the frosting on America's cake! Tonight, I'll let you lick the bowl. This is The Colbert Report!" | 3002 |
| Freem replaces superstantial in the opening sequence. Stephen thanks former Archbishop of Warsaw Stanisław Wielgus for being caught in a Catholic Church scandal of a non-sexual nature; scorns Democrats for taking a day off Congress for the college football National Championship game, with quick suggestion of taking a day off for a Ontario Junior League Hockey game; begins new segment "We the MEdiator" to pick sides in celebrity feuds, featuring Rosie O'Donnell vs. Donald Trump, Angelina Jolie vs. Madonna, and Amitabh Bachchan vs. Shahrukh Khan; and ends the show in tribute to James Brown by declaring himself the new "hardest working man in show business". | |||||
| 196 | January 10 | Worry | David Kamp | "Who's buried in Grant's tomb? Give up? I hope the police do too. This is The Colbert Report!" | 3003 |
| Stephen criticizes Bush for not sending 300 million troops as Stephen advised the day before but he pardons him if this is "the only mistake he makes in this war". He then talks about illegal immigration in a new segment called "Invasion of the Country Snatchers" and about the new Democratic senator of Missouri and its liberal legislation in the Wørd-Segment. After the break there is a new episode of Stephen's Tek Jansen adventures. | |||||
| 197 | January 11 | None | Ken Roth Judy Woodruff |
"Tonight's show is an anagram. Can you unscramble it in time? This is The Colbert Report!" | 3004 |
| Stephen starts with another episode of his challenge "What Number is Stephen thinking of?" with a clip from 2005. He then celebrates 5 years of Guantanamo Bay and talks to the executive director of Human Rights Watch, Ken Roth. After that he does a "Tip of the Hat/Wag of the finger", double-wagging Apple (claiming this is his first double-wag) for 1) changing their name to "Apple, Inc." and 2) bringing out the iPhone. He urges Apple to stop bundling new apps into gizmos, before they start coming after John Connor. He then talks to Judy Woodruff about the "Generation Next", blaming Jon Stewart when he hears that most young people are liberal-minded. | |||||
| 198 | January 15 | Victory! | Alex Kuczynski | "Don't watch tonight's show if you're in jail, because the truth will set you free. This is The Colbert Report." | 3005 |
| Wishing viewers a happy Martin Luther King Day, Stephen calls for a nationwide lie-in to refuse engaging in "anything at all", in the style of passive protest such as Rosa Parks, then attacks Senator Barbara Boxer for comments suggesting Condoleezza Rice has no personal ties to the Iraq War. Stephen praises the army for lowering recruitment expectations in order to be filled; channels last week's guest Jim Cramer for a new financial segment "Stephen's Bears and Balls" focusing on real estate, oil, Cingular's name change, soy milk, and beef jerkey. | |||||
| 199 | January 16 | Symbolic | Dinesh D'Souza | "Before we begin, I need to do my vocal warm-ups. Me, me, me, me, me, me! This is The Colbert Report." | 3006 |
| In anticipation of Bill O'Reilly arriving in-studio on Thursday, Stephen lashes out at Jimmy the director for a squeaky chair. In a new segment "Invasion of the Country Snatchers", Stephen profiles immigration issues, from an Italian-descended anti-immigrant possible Presidential nominee, to a chain of pizza restaurants which accept pesos, segueing into Letters from Iwo Jima winning the Best foreign Film Golden Globe. In another "Stephen Colbert's Sport Report", Stephen covers David Beckham playing for Los Angeles, and an anti-Colbert movement of fans throwing teddy bears on the ice when the Saginaw Spirit played the Oshawa Generals in the Ontario Hockey League. | |||||
| 200 | January 17 | None | Lynn Swann Richard A. Clarke |
"It's our 200th episode, our bi-centennial: Where is my commemorative quarter, U.S. mint?! This is The Colbert Report!" | 3007 |
| Still in anticipation of Bill O'Reilly arriving in-studio on Thursday Stephen is more nervous than the day before, bringing out some cherished objects he plans to show O'Reilly the next day. He then talks about the NFL play-offs with Lynn Swann, trying to trash talk all teams except the New Orleans Saints who he favors. After the break "Better know a district" continues with Washington's 3rd congressional district representative, Brian Baird. | |||||
| 201 | January 18 | Go It Alone | Bill O'Reilly | "Caution, you are about to watch me enter a no spin zone. This is The Colbert Report!" | 3008 |
| The big day is here, so Stephen is crazy with anticipation that Bill O'Reilly will be on the show, stating that his only goal with this show was to see this day, which makes him reveal a "Mission Accomplished" banner and open the last door on his "Bill O'Reilly advent calendar" (in which he finds Geraldo's mustache). He then turns back to US politics talking about Bush's plans to rise the troop levels in Iraq. He then talks about fights between celebrities on his segment "We the MEdiator", rethinking his last week's judgements. | |||||
| 202 | January 22 | Exact Words | Thomas Schaller | "Hey America. I was thinking if you're not busy for the next half-hour, maybe you'd like to, I don't know, you know, watch the show? It's not a date or anything; we're just hanging out. This is The Colbert Report!" | 3009 |
| Stephen is disappointed at the loss by the New Orleans Saints to the Chicago "God-less killing Machines" Bears. In another "Who's Riding My Coattails Now?", Stephen calls out Bill Clinton for speaking at Knox College after Colbert already had, and artist Terence Koh for selling sperm (in his art) after Stephen's Formula 401 line. The Word is based on the refusal of Alberto Gonzales to admit a right of the people not stated specifically in the Constitution. In another "Stephen Colbert's Balls For Kidz", gambling is discussed. | |||||
| 203 | January 23 | None | Michael S. Steele | "Stay tuned for 22 minutes of highlights from tonight's show. This is The Colbert Report." | 3010 |
| Stephen explains that this is the second of two episodes they taped on January 22, so that he can host a State of the Union address party on the 23rd. Russ Lieber appears in-studio to comment on new laws of the Democrat-controlled Congress. A new Threatdown is "Media Watchdog" themed. | |||||
| 204 | January 24 | Great News | Lou Dobbs | "Cleanliness is next to Godliness: Churches, fill your baptismal fonts with Purell." | 3011 |
| Lou Dobbs, author of War on the Middle Class, faces the truth hammer when he sits down to talk with Stephen. | |||||
| 205 | January 25 | S.M.A.F.U. | Mike Wallace | "Nation, It's time to grab the bull by the horns! If there are no horns, you're grabbing a cow, stop it! This is the Colbert Report!" | 3012 |
| Bill O'Reilly spills the beans on Stephen, and says what he really thought of him on his show. Stephen interviews Coach Bob Mancini of the Saginaw Spirit. And he doesn't like how he stands on the SMU dispute over Bush's library. | |||||
| 206 | January 29 | Wikilobbying | Barry Lando | "A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y? Consonant or vowel, make up your mind, we're at war. This is the Colbert Report!" | 3013 |
| Colbert wins bet with mayor of Oshawa after Saginaw Spirit defeated Oshawa Generals. Colbert discusses Microsoft paying someone for Wikipedia edits, and concludes that reality has become a commodity. Wag of the finger to Scientology, which named Tom Cruise as the "Christ" of the cult. | |||||
| 207 | January 30 | None | Donna Shalala | "I am the Hall to America’s Oates. This is The Colbert Report!" | 3014 |
| Stephen opens the show by showing a clip from Fox News' Fox and Friends, talking about the invisible beam that makes a person think he is on fire. Stephen then talks about how he stole his neighbor's New York Times and argues with David Leonhardt about what one could do with $1.2 trillion. This is followed by a new segment, "Judge, Jury, and Executioner" and ends by revealing the new microwave (fitted with a Colbert Report logo) which he would be sending to Bill O'Reilly after stealing his earlier. | |||||
| 208 | January 31 | Black Sheep | Jed Babbin | "Warning, the contents of USA Today are really about the |
3015 |
| Stephen opens the show by discussing the "problem" with Global Warming and in protest replaces Bobby with a 5000 Watt heat lamp. This is followed by the return of the "On Notice" board and the introduction of the "Fantasies" board. Jane Fonda (his fantasy) and The Weather Channel are placed on notice and Lutherans and E Street Band are taken off. This is followed by the 39th installment of Better Know a District, with New York's 6th congressional district representative,Gregory Meeks. | |||||
February
| # | First aired | "The Wørd" | Studio guest | Introductory phrase | Prod# |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 209 | February 1 | We Shall Overcome | Chuck Schumer | "Super Bowl Sunday isn’t for three more days, but Colbert Report Thursday starts right now! This is The Colbert Report!" | 3016 |
| Stephen comments on the 2007 Boston Mooninite Scare that occurred in Boston and laments the fact that he can no longer proceed with his obviously threatening-looking advertisements. This is followed by the "Movies Destroying America" segment, commenting on Steve Carrell's nomination and Ellen DeGeneres hosting. The show is ended by Stephen presenting "The Most Poetic F#@king Thing I've Ever Heard" | |||||
| 210 | February 5 | Second Opinion | Wendy Kopp | "Hey! Peyton Manning! I’m going to Disneyworld, too! Let’s go halfsies on a Day Pass! This is The Colbert Report!" | 3017 |
| Stephen is ecstatic at the slaughtering the Bears underwent in Super Bowl XLI. Also, he introduces a new product "Formula 419" (A combination of his Formula 401 and 18, Peyton Manning's Jersey number). Then, Stephen notes that Stephen Jr. has returned from Canada and back into Washington (unfortunately in Washington's 3rd, where Better Known representative Brian Baird has lobbied for a new hunting law). Stephen asks residents of North Oregon to lure Stephen Jr. out. This is followed by the Threatdown: Energy Efficiency, Giant Mexican Babies, Naked People, Miss America, Valentine Candy. Valentine Candy is #1, for introducing new candy hearts which say "Bear Hug" on them. | |||||
| 211 | February 6 | Making A Killing | Charlie LeDuff | "I’m attacking American enemies like a spurned astronaut! This is The Colbert Report!" | 3018 |
| Stephen receives a message from Master Media International that they would be praying on his behalf on February 22. This is followed by the 40th installment of Better Know A District (Ohio's 18th with congressman Zack Space). | |||||
| 212 | February 7 | Silence | Steven Pinker | "Now’s your chance to fall in love with Stephen Colbert all over again. This is The Colbert Report!" | 3019 |
| Stephen starts by introducing a new segment, "California Values Watch". After addressing San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom's recent problems. Then talks about the controversy stirred between Representatives Loretta Sanchez and Joe Baca. This is followed by the series finale of Tek Jansen. | |||||
| 213 | February 8 | None | Debra Dickerson Chris Hedges |
"And if you think this sounds good, then you will enjoy this show! This is The Colbert Report!" | 3020 |
| Stephen starts by talking about the
astronaut incident on the news and especially that everyone talks about Lisa Nowak wearing a
diaper, admitting that he too wears a diaper during his workday. He then claims that Henry
Kissinger called him to get him to run for president, which he says he will "not" do (or will he?) but he has formed an
exploratory committee on whether to form an exploratory committee. He then talks about |
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| 214 | February 12 | Inappropriate | Michael Oppenheimer | "Happy birthday Charles Darwin, in Hell!! This is The Colbert Report." | 3021 |
| Stephen starts by dancing/singing "My Humps" behind his desk and discusses Grammys. He then talks about criticism of the Iraq War transitioning into "The Wørd." This is followed by a "Tip of the Hat - Wag of the Finger" segment, in which he commends Australian Prime Minister John Howard for his attack on Barack Obama, but also chastises him for attacking an American citizen. He then talks with guest Michael Oppenheimer about his climate change report. He closes by naming Bollywood iconic actor Amitabh Bachchan, who survived a camel kick to the head, "Alpha Dog of the Week." | |||||
| 215 | February 13 | Frenemy | Sheryl WuDunn | None, The episode starts right with the theme song. | 3022 |
| Colbert talks about the Chinese Menace, entitling a Colbert Report special report "Apocalypse Mao: Murdered By The Orient's Success". | |||||
| 216 | February 14 | Bad Medicine | Lance Armstrong | "Nation, be mine. This is The Colbert Report." | 3023 |
| Stephen makes correction, that the Chinese have four times more population than the US, not three. Colbert admonishes people teaching seniors about sex. Sport Report: about the Westminster Dog Show, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, and mentions that the Saginaw Spirit had reached the playoffs. | |||||
| 217 | February 15 | None | Shashi Tharoor | "There is an 'I' in 'team' the way I spell it. This is the Colbert Report." | 3024 |
| Colbert talks about how Mastermedia International will pray for him on February 22nd. Asks J. J. Abrams how his prayer day went, with photo of Jimmie "J.J." Walker showing. Then he moves on, to talking about Helen Thomas losing her front row seat at the White House press room. Interviews Candice Bergen by phone about her prayer day too. Better Know A District guest was Vic Snyder from Arkansas's 2nd congressional district. | |||||
| 218 | February 26 | Success | Zev Chafets | "And... the award.. for the best adaptation of the truth.. goes to.. [Opens envelope, a la an awards ceremony] This is the Colbert Report!" | 3025 |
| Stephen compares Britain leaving Iraq to Britain leaving the U.S. and India - saying it will cause a flourish of Democracy. | |||||
| 219 | February 27 | Recoil | Craig Venter | "A portion of this program has been recorded at a frequency only dogs can hear." (Silently mouths "This is the Colbert Report.") | 3026 |
| Stephen comments on a recent report about Al Gore's energy usage. Outdoor Life Magazine fires a columnist for calling for an assault rifle ban, an action Stephen commends in the Word. Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle is named a top mascot, behind only the Toronto Raptor. As a result, the Toronto Raptors are moved from "on notice" to "dead to me." Tip/Wag: Wag to Bilk (Japanese beer + milk company), Tip to 107-year-old Chan Chi. | |||||
| 220 | February 28 | None | Nina Jablonski | "February, if you had any balls, you'd be three days longer. This is the Colbert Report." | 3027 |
| Colbert comments on how David Geffen has switched his support from Hillary Clinton
to |
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March
| # | First aired | "The Wørd" | Studio guest | Introductory phrase | Prod# |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 221 | March 1 | Bury The Lead | Larry King | "Hey America, are you thinking what I'm thinking? You soon will be. This is The Colbert Report." | 3028 |
| Mr. Colbert thanks those who prayed for him last Thursday, with his prayer hat and foam fingers. Also he comments on the coverage of the Anna Nicole Smith story. Better Know A District guest was Steve Cohen from Tennessee's 9th congressional district. | |||||
| 222 | March 5 | None | Ben & Jerry, Mara Vanderslice | "Honk if you love the truth and please stop watching TV while you're driving. This is The Colbert Report." | 3029 |
| Stephen comments on how many politicians
have visited Walter Reed Hospital since the scandal. |
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| 223 | March 6 | WWJD [What Would Jesus Dispense] | Mark Frauenfelder | "For best results, apply this program four times daily. This is The Colbert Report." | 3030 |
| Stephen brags about winning the
Mega Millions drawing, which hadn't happened yet. In this segment he also mocks
Viacom CEO Sumner Redstone. Then he talks about how
Lewis "Scooter" Libby was found Not Guilty on 1 of the 5 counts. In The Word segment,
Colbert commends doctors who refuse to treat patients for religious reasons. [3] ThreatDown segment: No. 1 was |
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| 224 | March 7 | Don't | Michael Specter | "Farewell Ernest Gallo. In your honor, I'm doing tonight's show hammered. This is The Colbert Report." | 3031 |
| Colbert makes a rare correction about winning Mega Millions drawing, and calls his boss Sumner Redstone to grovel. The Word was about removing the military Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy. Then there was 2007's first installment of "Easter Under Attack": proposed Easter bunny name change to spring bunny. And Michael Specter talks about Vladimir Putin's suppression of and mysterious deaths of journalists in Russia. | |||||
| 225 | March 8 | Comic Justice | Ted Koppel | "You got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet. That's not a metaphor, I want someone to make me an omelet. This is The Colbert Report." | 3032 |
| Stephen wonders why the media is still discussing the Libby trial. Then he talks about the death of Captain America, and adds more in The Word. Better Know A District guest was John Yarmuth from Kentucky's 3rd congressional district. | |||||
| 226 | March 12 | Home Field Advantage | Nicholas Kristof | "Can anyone lend me 20 bucks? I can go to a cash machine after the show. This is The Colbert Report." | 3033 |
| Stephen upbraids Bill Gates for giving charitably to other nations while bemoaning America's faltering competitiveness. He retracts his disparaging comments about Captain America when he learns that the superhero has bequeathed him his shield. | |||||
| 227 | March 13 | Goodnight | Michael Eric Dyson | "I'm the host, which makes you my guests. Hope you brought some wine; it's polite. This is The Colbert Report." | 3034 |
| Stephen closes the show by announcing The Word ("Goodnight"), after which the credits roll. | |||||
| 228 | March 14 | High Fidelity | Ed Viesturs | "It's Pi Day today - 3.14. That must be why I'm acting so irrational. This is The Colbert Report." | 3035 |
| Colbert introduces a new segment, "When Ancestors Attack." Then he mentions how Colorado has made John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High" their second official song. Sport Report: advice on filling out March Madness brackets. | |||||
| 229 | March 15 | None | Ayaan Hirsi Ali | "Beware - Today's Ides of March alert level is at 'Orange.' This is The Colbert Report." | 3036 |
| Stephen celebrates the last St. Patrick's Day ever! Then he moves on to how Latin America has so many rabid admirers of President Bush, with comments from Esteban Colberto. In the 44th installment of Better Know A District, the guest was Phil Hare of Illinois's 17th congressional district. | |||||
| 230 | March 19 | Pound Of Flesh | Jerome Groopman | "Well, my bracket is shot. This is The Colbert Report." | 3037 |
| Stephen talks about the latest attack in DC, on him, by Rahm Emanuel.[4] The Word refers to South Carolina proposing to allow prisoners to donate organs to reduce jail time. Threatdown: 5.Angry seniors, 4.Dancing seniors, 3.Time Magazine, 2.Fertility clinics, 1.the FDA. And the "Alpha Dog Of the Week" was awarded to Robert Hancock of Carterville, Illinois. | |||||
| 231 | March 20 | Supernatural | Willie Nelson, Richard Holbrooke | "Hey camels, stop showing off and drink something. This is The Colbert Report." | 3038 |
| While unveiling threat #
.5 as an addendum to yesterday's threatdown, Stephen finds himself in agreement with a German
environmentalist over the |
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| 232 | March 21 | Sex | Benjamin Barber | "It's the first day of spring. Birds and bees, wait 'til you're married. This is The Colbert Report" | 3039 |
| In the 45th installment of Better Know A District, the guest was Maurice Hinchey from New York's 22nd congressional district. | |||||
| 233 | March 22 | None | Katie Couric | "America, your letter writing campaign was successful. The show's coming back tonight. This is The Colbert Report!" | 3040 |
| Debate over DC-residents voting bill with Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes Norton. Criticism over Chicago Sun-Times face reading expert Rose Rosetree's interpretation of Stephen's facial features. Phone conversation with Coach Bob Mancini of the Saginaw Spirit about the Ontario Hockey League playoffs. | |||||
| 234 | March 26 | None | Gwen Ifill, John Perry Barlow | "Warning: refreshing as it is, this show will not replace your electrolytes. This is The Colbert Report!" | 3041 |
| Stephen expressed his anger that a severed mummy hand was recently sold at auction, but not to him; the hand was the earliest example of we're No. #1. In response to Rahm Emanuel's practice of discouraging fellow congressional representatives to decline interviews with Stephen Colbert, Stephen played an interview of him conducted by PBS's Gwen Ifill rife with potential misinterpretations. He showed highlights from last week's "Stephen Colbert Day" in Oshawa, Ontario, including footage of a fight between team mascots and Canadians impersonating Stephen Colbert. During the interview with John Perry Barlow, Stephen created the catch phrase "Librarians are hiding something" in response to the discussion over the Electronic Frontier Foundation suit against Viacom, (Comedy Central's parent company) over the right to use parody despite a copyright. | |||||
| 235 | March 27 | None | Madeleine Albright, |
"Nation, you're like a family. That's why this year I'm claiming you all as dependents. This is The Colbert Report!" | 3042 |
| Stephen chided Sean Penn for his blunt criticism of the Bush administration. Stephen discusses Iran, specifically a clash over religion, with former US Secretary of State Madeleine Albright who took the opportunity to promote her new book The Mighty and the Almighty: Reflections on America, God, and World Affairs. On the feature 'Tip of the hat, wag of the finger' Stephen took a strong line against children doing meth, questioned the need for an all-gay cable channel and criticized scientists for creating a new breed of sheep. | |||||
| 236 | March 28 | Monkey Business | Jabari Asim | "This one's for the old blue, white and red — not necessarily in that order. This is The Colbert Report!" | 3043 |
| Stephen displayed his disappointment at the elimination of Paulina Porizkova from Dancing with the Stars, especially given that her husband Ric Ocasek is a friend of the show. Stephen discussed oil found in the Arctic Ocean near Russia, and an attempt to add Italy to the Axis of Evil led to an uncharacteristic breakdown. Later, Stephen discussed the N-word with author Jabari Asim, who wrote a book on the subject. | |||||
| 237 | March 29 | Lemon-Raid | Clive James | "If you're doing yoga, time to transition into the downward facing eagle. This is The Colbert Report." | 3044 |
| First, Stephen questioned the necessity
of the Equal Rights Amendment, since everyone should be on the honor system. Later, Stephen cited the promulgation of John McCain
that |
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April
| # | First aired | "The Wørd" | Studio guest | Introductory phrase | Prod# |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 238 | April 9 | None | Colin Beavan and Katrina vanden Heuvel | "Christos Anestis! This is The Colbert Report!" | 3045 |
| Colbert celebrates the 4th anniversary of the liberation of Baghdad, while he eats his "Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream" ice cream. He continues to eat it through the show. And announces that is now the number one flavor of Ben and Jerry's. He also runs an empty microwave in response to a family's attempt to live a "no environmental impact" lifestyle. Also in a fake radio show, Stephen insults Hungarians, reminiscent of the Don Imus scandal. | |||||
| 239 | April 10 | Hip Replacement | Jeannette Walls, András Simonyi | "Turn-offs: phony people. Turn-ons: people who watch my show … and sex. This is The Colbert Report." | 3046 |
| Stephen scolded the 15 British sailors whom after recently returning from captivity in Iran were seeking to publish accounts of their experience. In "The Wørd", he talked about America's bogus health care crisis. Stephen then changed the subject to an ethnic remark that he made against Hungarians on his fictional radio show, Colbert On the Ert (pronounced "air"), in which he described Hungarians as "those paprika-snorting ghoulies." Later, Stephen offered advice on the housing market in a "Bears & Balls" segment, with his big red sound effect button. During the interview with Jeannette Walls, she talks about her book about growing up homeless. Finally, Stephen was surprised to hear Hungarian Ambassador, András Simonyi on the set riffing on an Bald Eagle-embossed electric guitar. | |||||
| 240 | April 11 | Season Pass | Vali Nasr | "The Colbert promise: If you don't like this show, your money back. (Cable fees not included.) This is The Colbert Report." | 3047 |
| Stephen introduced the latest eponymic animal, Stephanie Colburtle, one of the leatherback sea turtles being tracked from Costa Rica to the Galapagos Islands. In "The Wørd", Stephen revisited Monday's story about the 15 British sailors; in response to a British colonel making the distinction between the soldiers' experiences and reality TV, Stephen devised the notion that perhaps Americans should "make the war a reality show" to achieve success in Iraq and to prepare for a future "spin-off in Iraq." In the Sport Report (pronounced "spore re-pore"), criminal activity of athletes and the Saginaw Spirit's end of the season were discussed. During the interview, Stephen admitted to Vali Nasr that he might consider admitting the Iraq war to be a mistake if it meant that he wouldn't have needed to learn the difference between Sunni and Shia Muslims. | |||||
| 241 | April 12 | Body Armor | Dr. Richard Land | "Welcome to the monkey house. This is The Colbert Report." | 3048 |
| Stephen criticized Democratic senator Harry Reid for using "politicizing the war in Iraq" by citing a translation of a recent speech by Pope Benedict XVI. In "The Wørd," Stephen praised the president for proposing a new "war czar" position that would "chiefly be in command" of managing wars. Later aired a video describing Stephen's building manager Tad's quest to find a female companion for Stephen Jr., the eponymous bald eagle being tracked by GPS. Finally, Stephen challenged Richard Land to name one thing that conservatives have gotten wrong, specifically in regard to their invocation of God to justify political decisions. | |||||
| 242 | April 16 | Clean Slate | John Kerry | "Some parts of this episode are void in Alaska and Hawaii. This is The Colbert Report." | 3049 |
| Stephen begins by issuing a correction for having called Boyd K. Packer the "Mormon Pope" or "Mope," when he is more of a Mormon Cardinal, or "Mardinal." Colbert then compares Don Imus' firing with upcoming testimony of Alberto Gonzales before Congress regarding the U.S. Attorney firings scandal. In the second act, Stephen comments on Paulina Porizkova referring to Colbert as "so hot" in an interview and places a call to her home, but ends up leaving a voicemail claiming to be Dr. Stephen Hawking. And names Paul Wolfowitz his Alpha Dog of the Week, or in this case, Alpha Wolf of the Week for his role in the World Bank scandal. | |||||
| 243 | April 17 | Plan B | Elaine Pagels | "I'd never get a $400 haircut.[1] I'd get $100 haircuts four times a week. This is The Colbert Report." | 3050 |
| Stephen announced that he will be having a metaphor-off with Sean Penn on Thursday's show. Update on Stephanie Colburtle the turtle who was in 2nd place at the time of broadcast on the race to the Galápagos Islands, by some logic "proving Darwin wrong." Short mention of Iraqi insurgents. On the section Tip of the hat, wag of the finger, Stephen responded to several stories (failure of abstinence-only sex education, cell phones interfering with the navigation of bees, "fake sperm" which "allow lesbians to have their own biological daughters," and a Japanese company recalling bidets which have been known to emit fire). | |||||
| 244 | April 18 | Branding | Paulina Porizkova | "If you're watching outside of your coverage area, this is a $10 co-pay. This is The Colbert Report." | 3051 |
| On Who's NOT honoring me now, Stephen complained that he was not being awarded a Pulitzer Prize in journalism. In "The Wørd," Stephen suggested the corporate sponsorship of the War on Terror since the "War on Terror is more than a name." Video showed promoting bovine growth hormones in dairy cows. In the interview, Stephen asked Paulina to state again that "Stephen is hot!" The two then discussed Paulina's supermodel status — Stephen certified her as a current supermodel since he is an "arbiter of American taste" — and the world of modeling in general. | |||||
| 245 | April 19 | $400 Haircut[1] | Robert Pinsky, Sean Penn | "A dozen is 12. Bakers, learn how to count. This is The Colbert Report." | 3052 |
| Stephen balks at a scientific study saying that chimpanzees are more evolved than humans in DNA. On "The Wørd," he talks about John Edwards' $400 haircut and considers him going over to the Republican party. Colbert then interviews Sean Penn, and leads to a Meta-Free-Phor-All hosted by Pinsky (the decider of topics for the rounds used humorous pictures and sound effects in the style of The Daily Show's "God Machine," which Colbert usually took part in). Penn uses the "soiled and blood-soaked underwear" metaphor three times. The last round features an image of George W. Bush in said underwear, and Sean Penn wins 10 million points, much to the dismay of Stephen. | |||||
| 246 | April 23 | None | Mike Huckabee, Russell Simmons | "The weather's warmed up, and I'm showing some skin. This is The Colbert Report!" | 3053 |
| 247 | April 24 | Act Globally | Dr. Andrew Weil | "Happy second anniversary, Pope Benedict! You'll always be Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger to me. This is The Colbert Report. | 3054 |
| The first act opens with a remembrance
of Boris Yeltsin. Stephen continues with a combative interview with Eleanor Holmes Norton regarding a recent bill to give the District of Columbia a vote in the U.S. House
of Representatives. In "The Wørd," Stephen comments on EPA Administrator |
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| 248 | April 25 | Sacrifice | David Walker | "They found a new Earth-like planet, drive that Hummer all you want! This is The Colbert Report." | 3055 |
| Colbert decides that a new name is necessary for the long war, and comes up with Freemerican Victernity Made in China. He then backs the idea of having illegal immigrants fight in the armed services in exchange for citizenship. He points out his position on the cover of GQ, then complains about the Four Horsemen of the A-pop-calypse: movies, television, music, and books. | |||||
| 249 | April 26 | Mending Wall | Madeleine Bordallo, Tom Wolfe | "Happy National TV Turn-Off Week, you hypocrites! This is The Colbert Report." | 3056 |
| Stephen is unhappy at the fact that Stephanie Colburtle The Turtle did not win The Great Turtle Race, after being bested by another turtle named Billy. He claims Billy is a male, and demands a re-race. (After explaining that one can tell the sex of a turtle by the concavity of its plastron, Stephen says that he checks the plastron on "all [his] dates, and if it's not concave, [he is] outta there." However, a concave plastron denotes a male turtle.) On "The Wørd," he talks about the suggested walled-up neighborhoods of Baghdad, quoting from the military that these are but "gated communities" and tells how these areas can be put to good use, in terms of real estate. He continues his four-part series "Better know a Protectorate," with Guam, interviewing Delegate Madeleine Bordallo. | |||||
| 250 | April 30 | None | Neil deGrasse Tyson, Bill Bradley | "It's the last day of April. One more month 'till Speedo season! Do your squats. This is The Colbert Report." | 3057 |
May
| # | First aired | "The Wørd" | Studio guest | Introductory phrase | Prod# |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 251 | May 1 | Who Cares? | Malcolm Gladwell | "Tonight the part of Stephen Colbert will be played by, Stephen Col-Bert. The Management regrets any inconvenience. This is The Colbert Report." | 3058 |
| 252 | May 2 | Better Safe Than Sorry | Mike Gravel, Gina Kolata | "Caution: Tonight's show may be a suffocation hazard, because you can't poke holes in my arguments. This is The Colbert Report." | 3059 |
| Colbert celebrates Bush's veto of the Iraq troop funding bill. He then argues that it's better to torture a few innocent people if it keeps terrorists from getting away. In the second segment, he interviews Mike Gravel about his statements during the recent Democratic presidential debate. Finally, he interviews Gina Kolata about her recent book on diets. | |||||
| 253 | May 3 | The Unquisition | Conn Iggulden | "I will now make a brief thirty minute statement followed by no questions. This is The Colbert Report." | 3060 |
| Colbert comments on the recent half clay, half grass tennis match between Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal, then places grass over half of his desk. He then commends atheists for organizing themselves in Europe, so they'll be easier to fight. In Better Know a District, Tom Davis, from Virginia's 11th congressional district is interviewed. Finally, Colbert chats with Conn Iggulden about his recent book stating that boys should be encouraged to take risks while growing up. | |||||
| 254 | May 7 | The Intolerant | Richard Preston | "Guests of The Colbert Report stay on the fabulous couches of their friends. This is The Colbert Report." | 3061 |
| Stephen sends a coded message to the recently elected conservative, pro-American, French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Then he comments on the liberal bias of the the questions at last week's first debate of GOP presidential candidates. And on the segment "Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.", his solution to health problems is to give people his "Vaxadrin". Also, Colbert defined the term Enviroporn as the having of sex in trees of enormous height. Enviroporn is executed without the aid of harnesses or other safety equipment, but instead a boat-like structure (which Richard Preston describes in his book The Wild Trees) | |||||
| 255 | May 8 | Rendered Moot | Nassim Nicholas Taleb | "Hey, Transformers: robots, or cars? We're at war, pick a side. This is The Colbert Report." | 3062 |
| Colbert gives a shout out to the
USS Rhode Island. He then blasts Hillary Clinton's bill to revoke the
Iraq war authorization. The second segment features a ThreatDown: 5.
|
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| 256 | May 9 | None | Salman Rushdie, Jane Fonda | "Clothes don't make the man, God does. Stop taking credit, my pants! This is The Colbert Report." | 3063 |
| Stephen tries to interview Jane Fonda, with her sitting on his lap the whole time. | |||||
| 257 | May 10 | Illusion | Jann Wenner | "This show is an acquired taste. If you don't like it, acquire some taste. This is The Colbert Report." | 3064 |
| Stephen makes a Korean R&B video after finishing 2nd in the Time 100 Most Influential People online poll to Korean pop star Rain. Stephen then names Naperville, IL his "Hometown Hero Town." | |||||
| 258 | May 14 | Supporting Role | |||