The Package

This article does not cite any references or sources. Please help improve this article by adding citations to reliable sources. Unsourced material may be challenged and removed. (December 2009)

"The Package" is the 139th episode of the sitcom Seinfeld. This was the fifth episode for the eighth season. It was first broadcast on October 17, 1996.

Plot

Elaine cannot receive medical treatment for her rash because of a reputation as being a "difficult" patient (an appalling violation of the Hippocratic Oath). Kramer offers Jerry a method to get a refund on his stereo that is two years out of warranty. George discovers the woman at the photo store (Heather Campbell) is looking at his pictures. Jerry refuses delivery of a package with no return address. George thinks that the photo store clerk has stuck a revealing picture of herself in with his pictures, when, in actuality, it was a lingerie model's picture that accidentally got mixed in. Kramer convinces George to return the "compliment" by sending seductive pictures of George to the photo store woman, and offers to take the photos. Uncle Leo signs for Jerry's package. Elaine tries to lift her medical records. Jerry lets Uncle Leo open the package and there is the sound of an explosion. Leo's stove has exploded but eventually Jerry gets the package and opens it up. It contains his stereo in pieces. Kramer sent the package to him insured; now all they must do is collect the insurance money from the post office. Elaine poses as Uncle Leo's nurse to try a diagnosis for her condition. When that doesn't work, she tries to get Kramer (who poses as the fictitious Dr. Van Nostrand) to lift her records. Newman grills Jerry on suspicion of mail fraud. George drops off his film at the photo store and gets a surprising result. Newman gets a hold of and reveals the pictures that George and Kramer made, and believes them as a form of male pornography, including a picture of a supposedly homosexual man named Ron, who saw the pictures taken by George and Kramer. This later leads to the break-up of the photo store woman and George.

Memorable quotes

• Elaine: I was looking at my chart [at the doctor's office], and it said that I was difficult. Why would they write that?
  Jerry: They've gotten to know you.

---

• Kramer: George, it's the timeless art of seduction. You gotta join in the dance. She sends you an enticing photo, you send her one right back.
  George: Well, I don't know.
  Kramer: Well, as you know, I've always been something of a photographer.
  Jerry: Oh, yeah, I like this idea.

---

• [Leo has received the package that Jerry refused to sign for, out of fear that it could be a bomb.]
  Uncle Leo: [over the phone, to Jerry] I got your package.
  Jerry: How did you get my package?
  George: Leo's got your package?
  Uncle Leo: What should I do with it?
  Jerry: I don't know what you should do with it.
  George: Tell him to open it.
  Jerry: I'm not gonna treat my uncle like a bomb-defusing robot!
  Uncle Leo: Jerry! Your cousin Jeffrey is in a Parks Department production of The Mikado. I want you to come see it with me!
  Jerry: Open the package, Leo.

---

• Jerry: So, we're going to make the post office pay for my new stereo now?
  Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
  Jerry: How is it a write-off?
  Kramer: They just write it off.
  Jerry: Write it off what?
  Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
  Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
  Kramer: Do you?
  Jerry: No, I don't!
  Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.
  Jerry: I wish I had the last twenty seconds of my life back.

---

• [Leo's eyebrows have just been burned off, and so Elaine, hoping to "fix" his appearance, draws on a new set of eyebrows with a marker. Leo's doctor is startled by his new, angry appearance.]
  Doctor: Leo, I don't care for your demeanor.

---

• Kramer: It's "Bennett", right?
  Elaine: It's "Benes", you jackass! My last name is Benes!
  Kramer: [looking confused]
  Elaine: ...Yeah!

Trivia

Lists of miscellaneous information should be avoided. Please relocate any relevant information into appropriate sections or articles. (January 2008)

• Elaine makes reference to the nipple incident when talking with George about Kramer's photography work. The incident occurred in the Season 4 episode "The Pick".
• Kramer poses as "Dr. Van Nostrand, from the clinic". Kramer reprises this character in the Season 9 episode "The Slicer". The character is also referenced in "The Strike".
• Phil Hartman makes an uncredited voice appearance in this episode as the man who wakes Elaine to confirm the spelling of her surname.