The Wife

"The Wife" is the eighty-first episode of the NBC sitcom Seinfeld. The 17th episode of the 5th season, it was originally broadcast on March 17, 1994.

Plot

Jerry's girlfriend, Meryl (Courteney Cox), poses as his wife in order that she may share in his 25% dry cleaning discount. In fact, Jerry is having fun with the idea of having a wife, even if it's just to start a sentence. George urinates in the shower while at the health club and fears he may be reported to management. Elaine gets mixed signals from Greg, a prospective boyfriend in whom she is interested. As if things couldn't get more complex, the man Elaine has her eye on is the same person who caught George urinating in the shower.

Jerry eventually cheats on his "wife" with another woman in order to give her the discount. Meanwhile, Kramer is losing sleep because Jerry took his quilt to the cleaner, taking advantage of the discount. Kramer goes to get a tan to impress his girlfriend's family, and ends up falling asleep on the tanning bed.

As it happens, Greg wants to date a female gym instructor and not Elaine. Then he discovers Elaine is friends with George. The episode ends with Kramer meeting his girlfriend's family, who are black, and Kramer being horribly tanned to the extent that he appears to be in blackface. The girlfriend's father then angrily says "I thought you said you were bringing a white boy home! I don't see a white boy! I see a damn fool!"

Quotes

George: They could kick me out of the health club if he tells them!

Elaine: So what do you want me to do?

George: Talk to him!

Elaine: How can I do that?

George: You said the guy gave you an open-lipped kiss!

Elaine [enunciating for emphasis]: Yes, but then he wiped his hand on the top of the bot-tle when I of-fered him wa-ter!

George: Well, that doesn't mean anything!

Elaine: Are you kidding?! That's very significant! If he was interested in me, he'd want my germs! He'd just crave my germs!

Jerry [bored]: She's right, George. Bottle-wipe is big.

George: Well, what about the open-lipped kiss?

Jerry [still bored]: Bottle-wipe supersedes it.

George: Yeah, you're right, you're right...[to Elaine] All right, maybe he's not interested, but you still know him. Can't you just ask him?

Elaine: George...but if I ask him now, I'll have no chance of going out with him.

George: Why?

Elaine: I...I dunno...

George: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Could it be because you don't want him to know that you have a friend who pees in the shower, is that it?

Elaine: No, that's not it!

George: Oh I think it is! I think that's exactly what it is!

Elaine: Why couldn't you just wait?

George: I was there! I saw a drain!

Elaine: Since when is a drain a toilet?!

George: IT'S ALL PIPES! What's the difference?

Elaine: Different pipes go to different places! You're gonna mix 'em up!

George: I'll call a plumber right now!

Jerry: All right, can we just drop all the pee-pipe stuff here?

Trivia

Lists of miscellaneous information should be avoided. Please relocate any relevant information into appropriate sections or articles. (December 2007)

• In response to George's shower urination incident, Kramer admits that he takes baths, not showers. However, in a later episode entitled "The Shower Head", Kramer complains to Jerry about how he feels after taking a bath as opposed to a shower - "I just took a bath Jerry...a bath. It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me."
• For the syndicated repeats, this episode is just one in a few this season to keep Jerry's opening stand-up routine intact.
• Jerry's remark "We'll always have pancakes," is a reference to Rick Blaine's line "We'll always have Paris" from the 1942 film Casablanca.