Asked in RelationshipsMarriageTeen Dating
How can a husband feel caring and tenderness for his wife but can't feel love and never cheated on her?
July 15, 2015 9:42PM
You seem to be doing a lot of second-guessing regarding your husband's feelings and it sounds like you are disatisfied with yourself. "Actions speak louder than words" and that means that someone can tell you a thousand times they love you, but treat you with disrespect or ignore everything you are in your life, but treating someone with respect, caring and tenderness says it all. You are one lucky woman to have such a caring guy and it would be wise to enjoy it and feel blessed.
As long as man has been on earth different people have tried to define the word "love" and it just can't be done. Love means different things to different people.
When we first go together it's like fireworks go off and the whole world becomes our oyster and we can't wait to see each other on the weekends. There is passion, romance and all the goodies women often seek out, but the reality of it is, once you go together for a very long time, live together or get married reality sets in. Usually the couple works (one or both may have to work a lot of over-time or travel in their jobs) and it's like two ships passing in the night. There are unexpected problems that can crop up with each other's families, raising kids and their problems, trying to pay the mortgage and bills, so there isn't all that time to spend being googly-eyed at each other that we all use to have when single or just first married.
Just like anything else in nature everything has it's time. So far in my 63 years what I see a good relationship being from start to finish (death) is:
You meet and passion takes over. You're heart beats so fast when you see each other you feel it will come right out of your chest.
You start dating for a couple of years or more and perhaps even live together and there is still some of that passion, but it's a little rusty around the edges and the reality of stressful modern day life starts in. Still, you manage.
Then some people start having children and seeing your first born child is such a wonderful thing and all the attention is back on each other and that baby. Then a second or possibly a third child is born and even though each child is precious to the couple, it takes a lot of work to raise children and sometimes the wife just gets worn out, can feel disatisfied and somewhere deep inside some women they would love to go back to work and be around adults even if it's just part-time, but many don't (nothing wrong with that and it's better for the children.) Women have also stepped up the ladder as far as careers and try juggling a career and raising children and that's pure exhaustion. Some women want it, but feel they need to be home for their children, but deep down they really want to get out there and feel useful. Society can be cruel and children or not, if a woman decides to stay home and be a homemaker or raise children she is almost crucified. I take time out from jobs and stay home and if these gals stayed home once in awhile and looked after the house, bills and husbands they'd know that isn't an easy job either. I say, it's one of the toughest jobs in the world and if you can raise mentally/physically healthy children that will be an asset to society then you have come through with flying colors in one of the hardest jobs you'll ever do.
Then your children leave (empty nest syndrome) and you are left sitting there looking at your mate and wondering what you are going to do with the rest of your life. This is the time when women usually have menopause and feel moody, hot flashes, etc., and oh yes, men go through a milder form of male menopause. Well, it's the perfect time in your life to do things you've always wanted to do. Go on that trip you always wanted to go on, go back to college, get a job or volunteer. Take up a hobby and one you may well make money off of if you so wish or just take up the hobby to make you feel good. A different type of love sets in. Like two old well-worn slippers your mate and yourself know so much about each other and if you have a good guy by your side there are so many fun things the two of you can do. How wonderful it is that you can trust each other and do so many things together and come out of that long-term relationship whole and loving each other. What a conquest it is because most people divorce.
It appears you and your husband don't sit down and communicate and it's time! Talk about each other's feelings. When my husband gets home from work we sit down and have tea and ask each other about our day and if one or both of us have a problem we put our heads together and figure it out as best we can. Sometimes we just sit and laugh and other times we cuddle and we've been married 33 years. I love him to pieces and I know he loves me. We do have problems hit us in the face every so often and we've had to go through our parents being ill and passing away, but we stuck together and pulled together and got through it. When one of us felt like giving up the other one was there to pick them up and dust them off. That's love!
If you want more romance in your life then work at it and sit down with your mate and plan a nice holiday (doesn't have to be too far away) and spend some time with each other. Don't be afraid to act silly, as they say .... laughter is the best medicine. I am fortunate that my husband and I have great senses of humor and when all else fails we joke about the problem at hand until we are laughing so hard our stomachs hurt. It isn't disrespectful, it's called, "dealing with life."
We all have to realize that we just aren't perfect and never will be and unless we communicate with our spouses then we don't have the right to second-guess their feelings. It's best to ask what that person is feeling inside.
As we know we live in a "me generation" and it would nice (and can still change) if we took attention off "me" and put it onto "you." I am not judginging you and it's so easy in this fast-paced world to think of others on a day-to-day basis trying to compete in the workplace, etc., that we can forget other people having feelings too.
Good luck Marcy