How can you make a family member realize that to truly understand abuse you must look at the abuser's thinking and attitudes during the calmer periods not just at what he does during one of his rages?

tell whom ever to pay close attention to the abusers mannerisms(intense eye contact), specific body language(posturing), and voice modulation(change in tone), because these are indicators that the abuser is manipulating who ever is in the same room with him/her, to gain control. It is all about control for abusers, because they aren't in control of themselves. Abusers think that they are in control of themselves when they control others. They have deep rooted fears of abandonment, yet they do things that make people run for the hills. My mother is a sociopath with narcissism, I have had to excommunicate her because she refuses to admit fault for being mentally abuse and refuses to apologize for anything. Try to get your family member to google these words borderline,bipolor,depression,sociopath,psychopath,antisocial,schizoid,avoidant,and add personality disorder to each word. The best way to deal is pack your bags and move to higher ground. Good luck !!!