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How can you tell if your narcissist boyfriend is gay when he is so worried what everyone thinks and won't come out?

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June 26, 2009 8:18AM

Hi everyone...I have posted several times concerning my relationship with a narcissist boyfriend. Since my last post I have gone back to him. As many of our senior contributors have told us, "they never change". This has been extremely difficult for me to understand, but I finally have. To contribute to this particular question, I always have had this issue of homosexuality in the back of my mind. It seemed as though my exN needed to please everyone, needed to derive recognition, acceptance, worship from everyone, including other males. I sometimes saw things that really led me to believe that he had the capability to be gay or at least was hiding the fact that he had already experimented. That is how warped my world had become, and being one who in the past trusted her instinct, I could not release this worry from the "normal" part of my instinct. It certainly made me feel like crap. I do not condone this behavior, and I felt as if my own social mores were being compromised...among a slew of others! To date, I have not answered phone calls and have listened to what I want and what I don't want. It's been only a week. Up to this point, after I last returned to him 3 months ago, I have been through the gamut of more nasty experiences with him (to include an occasion where he tried to make me believe that he was going to run us both off a pier in his truck, double suicide) only to try to rationalize his behavior and try, try, again. The last straw was a few nights ago when we were in the middle of making love and it was such an impersonal, non-loving act that I just got up crying, told him I could not do this anymore because he did not love me, and left. I must confide that he certainly wasn't in the condition to follow me, he just rolled over saying what a "()*&^" I was. I kissed his cheek, told him it wasn't his fault and walked out. May God's will be done for us both. It gets to feeling like you are nothing but a prostitute for these men, and I can't take it anymore. Needless to say, I have spent the last 3 days in depression....but I know that each day I choose to stay away from him, the better I will get. So you will probably never be able to know if he is gay or not, and the N probably doesn't care one way or the other, as long as that narcissistic supply keeps on rolling in. I hope CareBear is still reading these posts as I hope she still moving along towards healing and happiness. Thanks to all of you "seniors" who are justifying my attempts to regain sanity and true reality. Love, mbme You aren't sure of what you are saying because one minute you are wondering if he's gay, yet saying he is worried what everyone thinks when he comes out of the closet. You must be confused and a narcissist can certainly be gay and controlling or straight and controlling. It appears your problem is more the fact that he is a narcissist and is not treating you right, so aim at that. Life with a narcissist is certainly not easy and they play head games, are arrogant and control those around them. They won't change and you have to decide if you want to stay and put up with this behavior or leave and be free. I think it's the absolute trademark of an N.... to have his nearest and dearest living in paranoid uncertainty and confusion. I believed, and still believe, that my N husband was having a gay affair, at least one.... when we got married. There was a phone call from someone and a visit to the gym where he behaved very strangley around another man. I assumed that was who he was sleeping with. Anyway..... what I want you to understand is.... IT DOES NOT MATTER. What matters is that you get yourself into a better space and start requiring better treatment for yourself. There's a reason why you're attracted to him.... why you're willing to be treated like this. Get some help and figure it out. You have your own problems, as do we all, now go and create a better life for yourself. That's your only job.... trying to figure out who your EX N is sleeping with and why and if.... well..... it's just another distraction. Focus on you.... and require respect. Tremusan