Asked in Divorce and Marriage LawMarriageThe End of the World (apocalypse)
How do you end a marriage of 24 years when you discover you haven't really loved her?
July 15, 2015 8:55PM
(All advice is generic and incomplete of necessity. Apply as fits, and use your own brains.)
So either you no longer love her (burn-out) or you've found someone you REALLY love (let's call her N). If it's a burn-out, it's probably mutual. Tell her, and discuss if you can re-ignite. After 24 years you probably don't talk much and have forgotten that people and feelings can change.
Out of simple convinience, you'd usually stay in a marriage even if you (possibly temporary) don't think you REALLY love her. In fact, in 24 years it's bound to have happened lots of times.
Did the marriage become inconvinient to you? Why? If she's gotten ill and does no longer provide you with her usual services you owe her to stay by her side. Your lovelessness doesn't absolve you from your duties. In fact the whole point of marriage is to have some security that goes beyond mere feelings which can be rather fleeting.
If she stopped her usual services of her own will then it's propably a mutual burn-out.
If there's someone new (N): Depending on your depth of love to N you may first try to see whether you really don't love your wife. It's natural not to miss things that are constantly around till they're gone. Tell your wife how you met N, and how you've fallen in love. Depending on how much of a surprise this is to her, give her some minutes or days to digest. Let her comment, talk about it. Here's a standard suggestion (you may find a better solution): You have an official affair with N, your wife goes looking for a new partner. Important: you have to be separated all the time. No calls from you unless you want her back. Your wife and N could change places, or your wife takes a long holiday while N goes to you, or you go to N, etc. The message to give is sth like: "I'm leaving you for N. I may regret this in a few months, but I probably won't, so don't wait for me and go off to have some fun. Should I regret it and you still want me back then, we can reunite." You should also ask her friends to help her along.
Time to grow up! No matter how much two people love each other there will be times when each of you are less then enamored with the other. When we fall in love bells and whistles go off, then we start getting serious and some couples either live together or get married, start a family and that's when the magic starts to subside and only become you are both working to raise children and perhaps also the woman is working at a job outside the home as well and both partners are dead beat at the end of the day. It takes a lot of work to last in a marriage and no, it's not going to be a bowl of cherries all the time. Nothing in life is.
You need to go away for at least 4 days (with no one else) and start thinking a little clearly. The grass isn't always greener on the other side!
You play out in your mind how the divorce is going to be. You should be realistic. Then you decide if you are ready to be apart of the living again. If you are wanting to have a life where you can feel love and passion. How could you discover you didn't love someone all of a sudden after 24 years? Is this because you "discovered" another person and you think the grass is greener on the other side?
Do some SERIOUS soul searching and questioning yourself. If you know you want out and you are miserable, get your life back. Is someone FORCING you to stay or do you have a choice about your own life?
Many people leave the stability and companionship of a long-term marriage, for a short-term infatuation. After a year or two, they genuinely regret it. Consider carefully before you do anything rash. If you made it 24 years, this relationship has SOMETHING going for it. See a marriage counselor to sort things out.
good advice here, i always agree with the statement how did you just find out after 24 years.
you didnt you just felt it after 24 years is more likely, and in your head you distort all the memories, 24 years is a long time, you cant possibly remember everything you felt at every time,
you will have loved her but its just that now you are having doubts, for whatever reason, and should stop telling yourself you didnt love her at all in all those years, im sure you have memories of doing things just because you loved her, and of course it all depends on your definition of love.
of course i don't know your situation and you could have been forced together and maybe never did love her.
but love happens in any and all situations and i doubt that in 24 years together you didnt feel love for her at all.
be a man and accept that yes it hurts now losing love, and losing the love of your life WILL hurt, but the pain just helps you in the end become the person your meant to be.don't run away from it.
and you have to be honest with her, don't for gods sake tell her you never loved her, if you have any feelings for her at all, that will kill her, no-one wants to hear that, no-one deserves to hear or feel that, and she will have many internal problems stemming from that and its not fair to do that to her, whether its true or not, that's YOUR issue to think about not hers!if she asks you just say its over now, you don't feel it now
(.of course there are some people who will dissagree and think honesty is best, but they may not realize, or care, that people are selfish and sometimes are honest, too honest, for someone elses good, simply because they want to ease some guilt or bad feelings of their own.
and that is NOT fair to do to someone because you feel it will help YOU, you know telling her that will NOT help her, you know it will make her feel horrible and question every year of the 24 years, she don't deserve it)
but be honest with the fact that you think its either time for a 'break', time apart, or time to end it. that is the honesty that matters that is what she needs to hear and know.
as always this is just my opinion and im no expert so you can do what you want with what i say, but you did come here for advice and that's mine
We have been to-gether for 27yrs says he has been miserable for 20yrs,now bringing up granddaughter (since 9months old) now 9yrs, partner having affair over 5 yrs now (family friend 24yrs younger than him) he doesnt know what to do, says he loves her not me am at wits end what to do.im 64yrs hes 61yrs.