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Answered 2011-09-13 04:41:33

Stay out of it! If she truly was afraid she would listen to you and go to an Abused Women's Center in her area. She still loves this guy and like many foolish women honestly feels she can change him (in fact, she feels sorry for him!) If you get involved you could lose her as a friend and also put yourself in danger by her boyfriend. These days you never know who is in a gang or not, and some individuals such as this boyfriend of hers could be one angry individual and mean to the bone.

The best thing you can do is tell this girl that you aren't willing to hang around and watch what is going on and she is nothing but an "enabler" and this person is NOT going to change. Tell her you are moving on and when and if she leaves this guy then she can call you up, but not before that! Mean it!

AnswerThe worst and stupidest mistake many women make - believing he'll change. He's lived his whole life like this, and if you won't take his abuse, someone else will. He doesn't change - you do! (I'm a male) Answer(I apologize for this being so long) Man is married for 5 years. Wife decides to leave him. H has worked with him for 8 years and always found him extremely charming. Everyone loves him and thinks he's the greatest. He is confident, and good looking and although not incredibly educated he is talented and recognized for his talents.

A week after his wife says she is leaving him, he shows interest in H, who is an independent, intellegent, over-qualified for her job, and a home owner. However, she is also extremely insecure and has had a history of bad relationships. She is naturally caring, loving and giving, however she is easily taken advantage of and rarely stands up for herself. For instance, if her boss is telling her that she needs a man like him in her life and asks her if he can come over, she won't say no, she'll say that she's busy, or "not tonight". This gives him the impression that another night would be suitable and she continues to be harrassed. Another instance, she was given a quote for a job and hires the worker for this price. Halfway through the job he demands more money and without questions, not wanting confrontation, she gives it.

Anyway, she accepts Man's advances and within no time they are seeing each other regularly. Almost immediately, in fact on the FIRST DAY he VISITED her, she was making her self toast and he tells her that she can not eat bread because it is bad. I was amazed to hear that she actually stopped buying bread. They have been seeing each other now for two months, and I don't remember the exact time frame but maybe a month into the relationship he asks her if he can stay with her. His sister's house where he has been staying since his separation with his wife, is under renovation and although his sister is still in the house, he can not because the room he is in is part of the renovations. He never said when he would start staying there, but two days after asking, they got into a huge fight and she realized that he was not leaving. He had intended to start staying from then. The first night he stayed there, they had been fighting all day and he went to bed in another room. His fighting consists of him cursing and swearing at her and telling her things like "My wife is leaving me, you are supposed to be supporting me, but you are a bi*ch like every other woman!", "don't you know how lucky you are! Don't you know how many women want me!", he will cry and say he has nothing and he wants to commit suicide making her feel sorry for him. In the middle of the night, feeling badly she went to him and he cursed her some more, so she went back into her bed. He then followed her and attempted to have sex with her, but naturally she was not in the mood but he pushed and pushed until she finally gave in. She lay there crying and he still did what he had to do. This has happened once more that I know of, although I am sure there are times she has not told me. The last time she told me that happened, they were arguing and she left the room and went into the living room. He cursed her telling her to get back into bed and she wouldn't move. He physically picked her up and shoved her into the room and threw her on the bed. He got on top of her (she was face down in the bed) and he told her that she is his and if he wants to f*** her he will f*** her and when he says take off your clothes, she is not to argue...

She can not see this as being abuse. She says she was being stubborn, she should have just gotten back into bed... But she is an INTELLEGENT woman! Is it me or IS THAT ABUSE?

He tells her not to use her airconditioning unit because it is a waste of electricity. He tells her what brands to buy in the supermarket. Mind you, he does not contribute a PENNY towards the utility bills or grocery bills. When they go out, she pays. He says he has no money, but she does his invoices for him and KNOWS when he gets paid for jobs that he does.

He has a son about 18 months who visits him on weekends. Since he is living with her, he is at her house on weekends. They got into huge fights because she was upset that the child was sleeping in her bed with him, and he would want her to get in the bed to go to sleep too. But she was uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed with the boy because it's not her son. He accused her of insulting his child amongst other things, and she will sleep on a mattress in the FLOOR while HE sleeps in HER BED!

He told her that he has slept with another woman in the middle of an argument. Then came to have sex with her and told her he was lying. When she tried to talk to him about how he disrespects her, after cursing and carrying on, he calmed down and she tried again. He told her that he wants to hurt her because he's been hurt.

He tells her he wants to "breed" her. He wants to marry her and wants her to have his children. He can not even afford to rent his own place. He can barely afford the child has.

He tells her what to wear. He tells her that friends ruined his marriage and he doesn't want her to talk to her friends. I've called her a few times when i know that she is home and i have gotten no answer. She is not allowed to talk on the phone, yet he goes and comes when he pleases, and talks on his phone all he wants. She wouldn't even come down the road to a house in her neighbourhood for tea for an hour because she did not want to cause any possible confusion with him. She told her sister that she could not stay with her for Christmas because she did not know what he was going to be doing. She turned her sister away for this man whom she has been with for 2 months. She does not answer friends phone calls because she does not want to tell them about her relationship with him. She wants everyone to like him, and doesn't want them to know him until he changes.

She believes she can change him. She said she will leave him if he hits her, but he has done everything EXCEPT hit her. She doesn't want him to leave. She loves him and doesn't want to be alone.

She doesn't believe he is abusing her. He has admitted to hitting his wife.

There MUST be something one can say or do to make a woman like this WAKE UP? Isn't there?? I've distanced myself. I believe I've done all I can. I've gotten her information. I've printed questions and answers from this website highlighting all the thigns that relate to her (may pages more than a third of the page is highlighted). He curses her, shoves her, controls everything she does, says, eats, wears. She says she not giving him money, but he's still controlling how she spends it. She's even got admitted symptoms of clinical depression, and she recognizes it... He's making her sick! But she won't tell him to get out. Oh, he spent the nigth by "his sister's house" the other night when he went out drinking with his friends. He didn't come "home". She says she doesn't trust him.

WHY is she staying with him? Help me understand...

AnswerBring her around positive relationships and people and places. Let her see that to have the problems in her life with an abuser is not the way it should be. Tell her as much as you can that she deserves better. Get her books from the local library on abusive relationships, but don't let the abuser see them. See if there are any local meetings that victims attend and take her to one so she can speak with the people there. Get statistics to show her that they rarely change and the abuse continues for years and leaves many scars, maybe not visible ones all the time but mental ones, too. If after all of this she does not open her eyes unfortunately, the only thing you can do for her is pray and stay by her side as long as the abuser lets you. Eventually the abuser will chase every person who has strength to give her, who cares about her, who supports her and can help her out of her life until she is isolated and he is in total control and by then she will be so deep into it that she will actually start believing the crap that he says about her and the stuff he does she will justify because of her own guilt of staying there. Show her this response as soon as you can and tell her there are many women out there who "survive" abuse but never recover. I wish you both the best and God Bless. P.S. There are many wonderful men out there that are willing to treat her like the gift that she is. You are right! He's Abusive!This man is abusive and a also a few pickles short of jar. This man is dangerous! Although the other posters had some good advice abusers don't let their victims wander far enough to "have a life" so it's doubtful you could get her around positive people (he has already stated he doesn't want her to have friends.)

Abusivers are charming at first (said the spider to the fly) and little by little they start to take control such as telling their victim what to buy, wear, say, who they can talk too and who they can't. The next step they take is to alienate the victim from family and friends and can often move in secluded area (to have complete control) or, in this case into her home.

Even though married forcing your spouse to have sex is still rape! He's a deviate and low-life and basically looking for someone to clean up his messes and do as he asks without question. Being an abused woman doesn't have anything to do with the person being intelligent or not. Some of the most successful women can be abused either physically or mentally. In your friend's case she is mentally abused and the violence of forcing her to have sex in NOW physical abuse!

She has a choice of leaving her own home and going to an Abused Women's Center where they will put her into a "safe house" (he won't know where she is) and there is legal counsel to help her in court to press charges against this jerk. She can also phone the police and have him bodily removed from her home providing she wasn't unintelligent enough to put her house into his name! If she is renting then there will be no problem.

You are right to distance yourself from your friend because you've tried your best. Again I repeat this man is very dangerous and if you don't watch out he could come after you! Let it rest. Your friend is a grown woman and she's going to have to go down this bumpy road alone until she's had enough. As a friend just be there when she hits bottom.

Good luck!

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