How do you legitimately earn trust from someone who has been abused by another in the past and has problems trusting others?
You earn trust by keeping your word. You earn trust by NOT lying. You earn trust by not participating in situations that leave you open to an accusation. An example would be you don't hang out with other women without her, go to strip clubs etc. You earn trust by letting the person know how special they are to you. You do all of this because it is in your heart to do it, not because you have some goal and you are on your "best behavior" until you get her to marry you etc. You earn trust because you are a genuine trustworthy person, and any faking it will be very obvious......remember Eddie Haskall from Leave it to Beaver? If people don't trust you it is because they see something in you that is false. The change comes from inside---spiritually---and if you are just doing a few things to earn trust most likely you will revert back to the way you were once the objective has been met, thus making it quite appropriate for no one to trust you.
Here is more information:
Here is more information:
- Our natural tendency is to trust, because we trust our parents. It feels good to really trust. It is also an essential component of love and an important test thereof. Love without trust is dependence masquerading as love.
- We must trust, it is almost biological. Most of the time, we do trust. We trust the universe to behave according to the laws of physics, soldiers not to go mad and shoot at us, our nearest and dearest not to betray us. When trust is broken, we feel as though a part of us dies, is hollowed out.
- Not to trust is abnormal and is the outcome of bitter or even traumatic life experiences. Mistrust or distrust are induced not by our own thoughts, nor by some device or machination of ours - but by life's sad circumstances. To continue not to trust is to reward the people who wronged us and made us distrustful in the first place. Those people have long abandoned us and yet they still have a great, malignant, influence on our lives. This is the irony of the lack of trust.
- So, some of us prefer not to experience this sinking feeling of trust violated. They choose not to trust and not to be disappointed. This is both a fallacy and a folly. Trusting releases enormous amounts of mental energy, which is better invested elsewhere. But trust - like knives - can be dangerous to your health if used improperly.
- You have to know WHO to trust, you have to learn HOW to trust and you have to know HOW to CONFIRM the existence of mutual, functional trust.
I am a 26 year old woman. I began my life of abuse at 6 mo. old when my father put me in the hospital, it ended at 22 when a ambulance took me from my first husbands house. I spent my whole life angry and distrustful of everyone. I've never even made friends. Then I met my current husband and WOW. He reminds me how special I am to him alot, he does not hit me, he understands that sometimes I still get angry about my past. When I do get angry about my past and I start being a butt-hole he knows it is not about him and he reminds me it is over with now. He is supportive in my still active recovery from my abuse and does not throw in my face that I'm emotionally "different" because of the abuse. Chances are your girl will never be normal either the effects of abuse are long lasting and difficult for the abused to deal with. With time and a lot of patience she will grow to trust you but you have to remember she has been abused and will always carry the wounds.
"How do you legitimately earn trust from someone who has been abused by another in the past and has problems trusting others?" Well, if you so concerned with getting a person to let their guard down and you come from the same school of thought that the abuse originated from in my case there will never be an opening for trust and I take great issue with why you seem overly concerned with that.
Live and let live. And learn to mind your own business. The person has a right not to trust you after all you are an outsider and should know your place when dealing with a person and that is you have no right to expected to be trusted.
Wow, some of you are quite harsh. I am speaking to you with a history of not being able to trust even the people in my life that were supposed to be the easiest people to trust... my family.... my mother, father and sisters... I've been abused by men throughout my life as well.... So here's my answer... Trust can be earned, it's a slow and painful process, but if you love whoever it is that you are trying to earn trust from... it will be worth it... just be patient... For me, it took a decade for that someone to earn trust... but it's there now... and it makes our bond so strong
I agree that many of the answers were too harsh. A few caught the drift ... trust is earned! If you take a dog that has been constantly beaten what do you think you'll end up with! Either the dog will cower or he'll attack! That simple and it's called "survival instinct". It will take a special person (and outsider in this person's case) to help them trust yet once again. I've been a firm believer all my life that whether it's family, friends or your boyfriend or husband that if you give respect you should get it in return. NO ONE has the right to mistreat another! YOU ARE IN CONTROL! If I think I'm being treated with disrespect and it's family I let them know in a hurry that I'm not taking any of their lip (if there is no credence to their outburst) and if it's a friend I will discuss it with them and if they don't want to change and I constantly mistrust them then I just let them go. Each year I "shake the old apple tree" and see what rotten apples fall to the ground. That's a harsh reality! My expectations are not high at all and all I ask is the respect I give others, truth and honesty. If they can't deliver that then they have become one of those rotten apples laying on the ground!
I do feel you need to start somewhere so it's OK to divorce your family by leaving and starting another life. Just because you were born into a family doesn't mean you have to be mistreated in any manner. If you've tried to communicate and settle any problems that may occur in the family between you and them and it isn't working it's OK to walk away. Many people do this. It's easier than you think to make friends. Go to a church, be a volunteer and consider that you're simply a kid in a candy shop. There you are surrounded by all nationalities, different personalities and YOU CAN CHOOSE who you want to have as a friend. Choose the people that are kind, loving, dedicated and you basically can't go wrong! Start having coffee with one or two of these new-found friends and slowly get to know them. It's time you learned to laugh again!