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Find a neutral place and time to talk to him about this issue. For a teen or young adult, try a weekly date night at a restaurant he likes and get to know him on another level. Avoid blaming him, analyzing the behavior, or stating what he is doing wrong; rather use "I" messages telling him how you feel. If he is an adult, then also get counseling for yourself to evaluate the issue and, to also have help in making a plan. No one should have verbal abuse as a constant in their lives--it isn't good for you or for him. You may have to consider obtaining the help you need from someone else and let him just be a son. In addition, if he is dependent on you for room and board as an adult, he needs to find another avenue. I realize that in this imperfect world, you may both depend on one another (if he is a substance abuser, has been in jail and has other issues)for a safe environment. Still, if he continues the abuse, you should seek help in figuring out how to get that for yourself. You didn't say what age your son was, but I am guessing he's in his mid teens and you rely on him a lot. You just didn't lose a husband, but your son lost a father. Both of you probably didn't get grief counseling to deal with your husband's death and that was the start of it all. It is possible your son is angry his father died on him (not your husband's fault) and takes it out on you. Perhaps you expect too much from your son and haven't coped with the death of your husband and started to become independent and worked along side of your son instead of against him. When a young person has the responsibility of a parent who is mentally/physically disabled it's just too much pressure for them to compute and something has to give. It's time to talk to your son on HIS level. Tell him you have put a lot of responsibility on his shoulders, but you both need help by a professional to help you get your lives back together again. Tell him you love him and want to have a better relationship. Ask him what his feelings are and listen! Then you tell him how you feel and ask him nicely to listen to what you have to say. Together you will both see where things have gone wrong, but both of you need psychological help ASAP if you want to retain this relationship. Many disabled people get along just fine if they want too and so it's wise to give your son a little more freedom to be with his friends. I have no doubt you feel fearful being a widow and disabled and fear being alone. That in itself could have been the start of your disintigrating relationship with your son. All the bad language is simply the fact your son can't cope with this tall order of looking after you 100% and misses being out with his friends on occasion. Your son is savable and so are you. Good luck & God Bless

2006-09-04 22:04:25
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