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Answered 2010-09-17 17:18:09

that's very sad. marriage is forever.

before you make the decision that could possibly ruin your children and potentially your wife as well---truly think about it please.

AnswerI agree with the above poster. If you read this board you will see many examples of people thinking the grass is greener on the other side when it turned out not to be true and when they realized they had made a mistake it was too late!

Marriage is difficult at times with financial worries, two people living in the same house and then along come children. Often children take up much of the wife's attention and it's a pure balancing act for her to attend to the children and give you attention as well. If a man is smart he will help his wife with the chores around the house, take the kids to school, doctors appointments, etc., as well and thus, it makes time for the couple. Also taking time out for the both of you and getting a baby-sitter and doing something with friends or just going out for a romantic dinner can work. Go on a mini holiday on a weekend and get away from the children. It's important a couple touches base with each other whether they have children or not.

If you are 40 plus, then you could well be going into "Andropause" which use to be called "Mid-life Crisis." Women go thru premenopause (become edgy, cranky, cry for no reason, feel lethargic and have hot flashes.) Men go through similar symptoms during Andropause. Both men and women often will reflect on their lives around this time and usually feel they haven't accomplished what they want. There seems to be a need in each of us that we want to fill and sometimes we don't know what direction to go in.

You stand a chance of losing the most precious things in your life ... wife and children. Without trying the best you can and sitting down and communicating with you wife (don't tell her you've fallen out of love with her) then you didn't take your marriage vows very seriously. If this involves a younger woman (not accusing you) then my friend, you are in for a rude awakening. Many young women are extremely independent and by the way ... don't do windows or cook! You may think this is a nice change of pace, but a man can get very tired of this way of life. Smart women make their men think they are still running the home.

It's your choice!

AnswerThe feeling of falling in love is just a feeling. It comes and goes in all relationships. Real love comes after the magic fades, the smoke clears and the fantasy is shattered by reality. Real love is a decision and a commitment to do everything in your power to put someone else's needs above your own. The satisfaction you will gain from giving this kind of love will return a thousand times greater feelings beyond initial falling in love feelings. It is the difference between the candy you liked as a child that was too sweet and lacked complexity and the dessert your mouth waters for when painstakingly prepared with care. If you continue to chase after the initial thrill, you will never gain the greatest joy of being part of something bigger than yourself.

Another view:

If you know beyond a doubt that you don't love your wife, and if you know counseling, nor anything else will help, then you need to tell her. For one thing, it is not fair to your wife to allow her to continue thinking she is in a marriage with a man who loves her. Also, if you truly don't love your wife, your children will pick up on the fact that something is off, but they may be confused because they won't really know what. And, since children have a way of thinking things are their fault, they may think they have done something wrong.

Children have a way of picking up on things like that, and they will detect an unhappiness in the home. This could result in them feeling insecure, which I'm sure you would not want for them. Having no marriage is far better for children than living in the middle of a bad one.

Also, a happy parent is a better parent, and it would not be selfish of you in the least to tell your wife you no longer love her. You owe it to her, to yourself, and your children to try to save the marriage if you feel you can, but if not, then I do think you need to tell your wife the truth. Otherwise, your unhappiness may begin to manifest in different ways, creating an unhappy and insecure home for your children.

But if, and when, you do tell her you don't love her any longer, please, don't do anything to try to make the children choose sides - there should be NO sides in this. Your children need to be reassured that they will always have two parents who love them, and will always be there for them.

Too, if you have met and fallen in love with someone else, or if you do so soon after telling your wife, do not bring her into your childrens' lives for a bit, or they may blame her for your divorce, which could lead to resentment of her and result in them never accepting her. They will need time to adjust to the change in their lives.

Now, as to how to tell your wife you no longer love her, the best way is to just say it, but say it with kindness. Don't tell her it's her fault because she did or didn't do this or that, you have to remember this will hit her like a brick wall. She will need time to digest and try to understand what went wrong, and you owe it to her to tell her, but tell her in the kindest way possible.

After she recovers from the initial shock and pain, she may then become quite angry, which is normal. People can deal with anger much better than they can with pain, so try to understand if that's the route she takes. But don't let it affect you, your decision or your behavior. And above all, don't ever display your anger in front of the children. Your wife WILL recover, and she will eventually get on with her life.

Just realize you deserve happiness as much as anyone else does, and staying in a marriage where you no longer love your wife will not be doing your children the good you may think.

For more information, read the related link below, which will give you much more information on how to help your children with the divorce, as well as how to help make it easier on all concerned.

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