Should you tell your husband you have feelings for someone else?

Answer 1

You should make sure how you really feel, and if you feel like it might ruin your relationship then tell him the you love him but you have feelings for your friend. Remind him that you really love him though.

Answer 2

Let's see first if you SHOULD, before we get to HOW.

That depends on the answer to another question: Do you want to leave him because of this? Then you will HAVE to tell him, and it's not possible to follow the advice of most posters below not to tell. Nor is there an easy way to do this. The best you can hope for is that your husband's a cheater or otherwise unworthy of you. If not, you'll just have to ask and hope for his forgiveness.

If you want to STAY but you talk in your sleep or your husband has sharp instincts and has or will notice that something is up, again, you don't really have a choice but to tell, though it may be smart to see whether he really does notice. It'll show how much attention he pays to you. If you're caught, confess, don't dissemble and create suspicion. Be impish if it fits your character and the mood, then turn serious. A preface like "Well, I didn't do anything nor will I do anything, nor has this anything to do with US, but it's not pleasant news either." might be useful.

If he allows you to keep secrets, you may try confessing that it's a personal issue that won't bother your relationship and that you don't want to talk about.

If you can probably keep it a secret without much trouble and you don't talk about things like who you find attractive or that someone tried to flirt with you then don't tell him. In addition, it shouldn't do any harm if you fantasize about "someone else" sometimes when you're in bed. It'll relieve your feelings, unless you consider this the same as cheating.

The most important question is: WHY are you still in love with... let's call him X ? Is it just a lingering affection? Then it won't matter much whether you tell or not unless you mess up badly. Which might not be a bad thing since a marriage should survive such stupid mess-ups, and it certainly will liven things up.

Or did X offer you something you're missing in your marriage? If so, can you possibly bring it in with your husband's help? Then talk about what you're missing, but not why, unless you're sure he won't see it as a threat that you may leave for X if he doesn't comply or doesn't manage to.

* If you are already married, what good can come from telling your husband you are in love with someone else? Think of the hurt you will cause him. You may also stand to lose his trust.

I have been married for over fifteen years and I love my husband more than anything, yet I also still love my ex (who I haven't even seen in over 16 years!)

Ten years ago I told my husband about my feelings for my ex. I had come to believe that total honesty was necessary in a good marriage.

[Comment: More likely you thought it didn't matter anymore.]

Boy, was I naive. I knew about his past. He wanted to know about mine, or he thought he did. I told him about my ex; how he was my first real love and that I still had feelings for him even though I loved my husband and chose to spend my life with him. For the longest time, every time we were intimate, I could tell his mind was elsewhere. He said he couldn't help it, it bothered him knowing that another man had had me that way first.

[Comment: So you told him you were a virgin, or that you've never been in love before him. And you knew this was important to him. Then you're paying the price for a past lie, not present honesty. For both, in fact. In your case, I agree: you probably should have stuck to it. Though the effort you've put out to re-earn his trust did your marriage some good, didn't it? ]

He'd wonder if I was thinking about my ex when we were 'together', if I fantasized about him, if I'd rather be with 'him.'

It took forever to finally convince my husband that he was the one I wanted to be with.

And to this day, though I've earned his trust back, every now and then, he just can't seem to help making a snide remark about my ex. Jealousy still gets the better of him once in a while though I've never given him any reason to be jealous or not to trust me.

By telling him what should have never been brought up, I hurt him, made him doubt me, made him feel insecure and jealous -- for years. I'm beginning to wonder if, after all of this time, he will ever be able to let it go.

[Comment: This sounds like he's using your guilt against you, if he's not just teasing. Don't let him. My guess is you've paid enough.]

My advice to you would be to keep it to yourself. Don't try to ease your own guilt or conscience by telling your husband, it's selfish and will only hurt him.

[Comment: More precisely, there's nothing to feel guilty about. You (the questioner) didn't do any wrong.]

Even if you choose to leave him for this other man, there is no reason to tell him why. Just make a clean break of it and move on.

[Comment: I badly disagree with this! I can't think of a more innocent reason to break up a marriage with a nice guy. (I'm one.) If you don't tell him or make up some excuse he'll think of far darker reasons. He'll blame himself, and think he's badly misjudged you (which he hasn't) and this will badly screw up his trust in his judgement of people, women in particular.If you can communicate to him how sorry you are, that you weren't misleading him, he won't hold it against you even if you break his heart. If you're honest, even if he decides to hate you, his trust in himself won't be damaged near as much. And never forget that things might have happened the other way around.]