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Should you ask your girlfriend's parents for permission to marry her before or after you pop the question?

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January 06, 2011 1:54AM

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It depends on your girlfriend. If she is a strong, independent woman, she'd likely be insulted if you asked someone else for permission to do anything with her. In an informal poll of my modern friends, most feel that it is degrading for a man to ask for permission or a blessing from the parents without first asking the woman.

If she is meek and controlled by her parents, you should probably ask them first.

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It depends on your particular upbringing. In today's world, traditional or "old fashioned" customs such as asking a prospective spouse's parents for their blessing have gone "out of style". I believe it is a personal decision, however, you may want to consider how this decision will affect the spouse's parents. They will be "giving" their daughter to another man. They may not have control over her, however, her name will forever be changed (if the spouse agrees to adopting the male's last name). By "asking" the prospective spouse's parents for their blessing in agreeance with your decision will not only make you more confident to proceed with the actual proposal, but also relieve any stress you may feel by being rejected by her family.

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What's the purpose of asking your girlfriend's parents before asking her if she could(hopefully not) say NO. Therefore I think ask her first, shortly thereafter ask her parents together.

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Although nowadays it is rather old-fashioned, it's still generally a very nice and respectable thing to ask her parents for their blessings to propose to their daughter. It will show respect for her parents, and it will likely make her parents have a very positive (or more positive) view of you, which will be a very good thing if they are to be your in-laws! However, since women are no longer considered chattel and aren't truly given from the father to the husband, it's certainly not necessary, and thus you may want to ask for their blessings instead of their permission. Just use your best judgement, and best of luck!

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Dont you dare ask them after then they'll feel like what the heck is he asking me for now i mean but if you dot like your woman's parents then just ask her because their not the ones who are gettin married.

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Just my perspective on it... About 2 years ago my daughter found the guy she is now married to. She was 24 at the time so she had long since proven her ability to make good decisions on her own. After my daughter and her (then) boyfriend had decided they wanted to get married, my daughter asked my (now) son-in-law to ask my permission to marry her (I'm the Dad). I wouldn't have been offended if he had not asked, but I thought it showed a lot of courage on his part and respect for both my daughter and for me that he went ahead and asked. It got things off to a good start that he both respected my daughter's wishes and respected me enough to establish that he cared what I thought. My wife and I try to be good about not interfering with their decisions, but because my son-in-law asked permission first, we know that if we have an opinion to offer that they won't just blow it off - that they will consider it as they make their decisions. They still make their own decisions as a couple, but it's nice to know that from the outset both my daughter and my son-in-law trusted us enough to ask our advice and knew that we trusted them enough to make their own decisions. When I gave my "permission" for my son-in-law to marry my daughter it also conveyed to him that I trusted him - which I think was important for him to know. I am glad that he asked my daughter first. It would have been awkward otherwise - plus they were going to school 2000 miles away from us, so I had no chance to meet my future son-in-law until AFTER he had asked my daughter. I'm glad he asked me too though. It wasn't necessary, but it was a good move in establishing a good trusting relationship both ways that has paid dividends ever since. I should add a note of caution here. My daughter was 24. Had she been 17, I most certainly would have wanted to discuss it with the boy before he asked my daughter. At that age I would have felt more responsibility (and authority) help my daughter with such an important decision.

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Personally I feel that asking the parent blessing shows maturity and respect. Trust me they will appreciate that you cared as much about their feelings as their daughters.