Tell a funny joke

Answer 1

1. How do you kill a blonde?

Stick a scratch-and-sniff at the bottom of a pool...

2. They always said, "When we get a black president, pigs will fly..." And you know what? THE SWINE FLEW!!!

3. How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just sit in the dark and moan...

4. How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

ONE, AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!

Answer 2

Q: A building fell why?

Answer: It got tired from standing.

Q: A cat fell off a wall why?

Answer: The wall ended.

Q: Why was the joke behind the door?

Answer: It was scared someone laughs at it.

Q:There's a blue thing on the wall what is it?

Answer: Fly with jeans

One day a college professor was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a moron, and if they were, they should stand. After a minute a young man stood up. The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a moron. The kid replied, 'No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself'.

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and asked, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says.

"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man.

"How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine..."

Three friends die in a car accident, and upon their arrival to heaven, they are all asked, "When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

"The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last man replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!'"

During a sharing time in the early part of a service, a visitor admitted a shortcoming. "I'm a spendthrift. I just cannot keep any money in my pocket. I give it away as if it grew on trees. Please pray for me."

"We certainly will," said the pastor, "right after we take up the offering."

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old man... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and made love with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the Rail Road tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes to the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "and I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."

With a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly , but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll mess on it's head."

Creating Woman

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the night to take care of them. She will not nag, and will be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

The rest is history.

Three men were flying in a plane. One dropped out an apple the other dropped an orange and the other dropped a grenade.

After landing they were walking down the street and saw a kid crying. They asked him why he was crying and he said "an apple hit me in the head".

Then they saw another kid crying he said "an orange hit me in the head".

Then they saw a kid laughing his head off and they asked him what was so funny he said, "I let one and my house blew up!"

A father and baby polar bear were walking across the ice when the baby polar bear said to his dad "Dad, am I part panda bear?"

"No", replied his dad.

"Well then, am I part brown bear?" Again his dad said no.

A short time later the baby bear asked again, "Dad, maybe I'm part koala bear?"

The father getting annoyed said, "look son, I'm a polar bear, your mums a polar bear. Why on earth do you keep asking for?!"

"Because," the baby bear said, "I'm Bloody Freezing!"

One day there were three ants, and they set out for their own separate journeys in a house. One ant went to the oven, the second went to the freezer, and the third went to the toilet. Later they met again, and discussed their journeys:

The first ant said "My journey was hot!"

The second ant said "My journey was cold!"

The third ant said "My journey was cool... until I almost drowned. But then a stroke of luck hit, from out of nowhere came this big brown log..."

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "if only I could find my sweet little hamster."

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior was that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there was a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" called one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room; they open the door.

"Nice boobs," said the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me" she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You`re right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
why did the blond drive into the ditch? her blinkers were on. how do you kill a blonde? put a scratch and sniff in the bottom of a pool.

A blonde walks into a hair salon wearing headphones. hairstylist said she can't wear headphones for the haircut. Blond replies : "I can't take them off! If I do, I'll die!" so the lady cuts around the headphones. meanwhile, the blonde falls asleep, so the lady thinks, "I'll just take them off and see what happens." She takes them off, and the next minute the blonde falls to the floor, dead. The lady puts on the headphones and guess what it was saying? "bj"

From sifter444

Here u go! Yo mama!

YO MOMMA SO STUPID

* Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes

* Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign,

she went home and got 16 friends

* Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up

her mind

* Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl

* Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!

* Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

* Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!

* Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!

* Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!

*yo momma so stupid she stared at the juice carton for three hours cause it said concentrate.

* Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!

* Yo momma so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"

* Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

* Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write

below the dotted line she put "O.K."

* Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.

* Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread.

* Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.

* Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

* Yo momma so stupid when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked,

"M, F and sometimes Wednesday too."

* Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

* Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at

McDonalds!

* Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

* Yo momma so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

* Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22

twice instead.

* Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.

* Yo momma so stupid she couldn't read an audio book

* Yo momma so stupid it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch.

* Yo momma so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus

* Yo momma so stupid it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg

YO MOMMA SO FAT

* Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was

backing up

* Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.

* Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

* Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for

the new world

* Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free

Willy

* Yo momma so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says

"okay!"

* Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized

* Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway

* Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

* Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th

* Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE

HOUSE!

* Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.

* Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

* Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code!

* Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!

* Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her Liposuction!

* Yo momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!

* Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the

bitch's good side!

* Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!

* Yo momma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

* Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!

* Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family!

* Yo momma so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!

* Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!

* Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!

* Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car!

* Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!

* Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones.

* Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on

theother side just to get her through

* Yo momma so fat when the bitch goes to an all you can eat buffet, they

have to install speed bumps.

* Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite

pictures

* Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her

waist they spelled out boulevard.

* Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.

* Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the

green arrow!

* Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch

marks.

* Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her

farts!!!

* Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because

we dressed her as a Chevrolet.

YO MOMMA SO OLD

* Yo momma so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.

* Yo momma so old her social security number is 1!

* Yo momma so old that when God said let the be light, she hit the

switch'

* Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class.

* Yo momma so old she owes Jesus 3 bucks!

* Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

* Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it.

* Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.

* Yo momma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.

* Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.

* Yo momma so old and stupid she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and

said, "Li'l Mary will never amount to anything".

* Yo momma so old shes blind from the big bang

YO MAMA IS SO POOR

* Yo momma so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked

her what she was doing, she said "Moving."

* Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention!

* Yo momma so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's

fingers!!!

* Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"

* Yo momma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.

* Yo momma so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.

* Yo momma so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said,

"What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."

* Yo momma so poor she drives a peanut.

* Yo momma so poor burglars break in her house and leave money

* Yo momma so poor you go out for Sunday pushes of the skateboard

YO MAMA IS SO UGLY

* Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no

professionals."

* Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.

* Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

* Yo momma so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for

Star Wars.

* Yo momma so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle,

they put it around her neck

* Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

* Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the

surveillence cameras

* Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the

dogs to play with her.

* Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

* Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.

* Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.

* Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12

hours... for a quote!

* Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!

* Yo momma so ugly The NHL banned her for life

* Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween.

* Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try

to bury her.

* Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away.

* Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

* Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he

doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

*yo momma so ugly that when she looked into the mirror....it cracked!!

*yo mamma so uncordinated she threw a rock at the floor and missed!

*yo mamma so ugly she turned medusa to stone!

*yo mamma is so ugly they had to put a metal box over her head but it broke then they taped dollar bills to her face the presidents on them ran away!

Answer 3

There are many types of jokes... These include Blonde jokes, Irishman Welshman Englishman jokes, Yo Mama jokes... See below: * Parachute Joke - On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet. The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?" "That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground." After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?" An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old crone steps in front of them. "This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down.""I'm game for this," says the Welshman and slides down the helter-skelter shouting "GOLD!" at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.The Englishman goes next and shouts "SILVER!" at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.The Irishman goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts "WEEEEEEE!" 1. Yo Mama so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.

2. Yo Mama so ugly, Yo daddy tosses the ugly stick and she fetches it every time.

3. Yo Mama so short, she has to get a running start to get up on the toilet.

4. Yo Momma so skinny, she turned sideways and disappeared.

5. Yo Mama so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go.

6. Yo Mama so poor, she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.

7. Yo Mama so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.

8. Yo Mama so hairy, she looks like a Chia pet with a sweater on.

9. Yo Mama so fat, I gotta take three steps back just to see all of her.

10. Yo Mama so ugly, I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a job application. NatashaLouisex 11. Yo Mama sostupid the weather said it was going to be chilly and she went outside with a spoon and bowl saying, "Where's the chili?"

12. Yo Mama so fat she had to break through

the door to get to Mcdonalds.

Why did the dog lay in the sun?

A. Because he wanted to turn into a hot dog!

Answer 4

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

Answer 5

Q:How do birds fly in the rain? A:They use their wing-shield wipers.

Q:Why did Sunday beat Monday in a boxing match? A:Because Monday was a WEAK day!(Week)

Answer 6

http://www.jokesgalore.com

Answer 7

Joe Biden