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Emotional AbuseAbuse is almost entirely about control. It is often a primitive and immature reaction to life circumstances in which the abuser (usually in his childhood) was rendered helpless. It is about re-exerting one's identity, re-establishing predictability, mastering the environment - human and physical. The bulk of abusive behaviours can be traced to this panicky reaction to the remote potential for loss of control. Many abusers are hypochondriacs (and difficult patients)because they are afraid to lose control over their body, its looks and its proper functioning. They are obsessive-compulsive in an effort to subdue their physical habitat and render it foreseeable. They stalk people and harass them as a means of "being in touch" - another form of control. To the abuser, nothing exists outside himself. Meaningful others are extensions, internal, assimilated, objects - not external ones. Thus, losing control over a significant other - is equivalent to losing control of a limb, or of one's brain. It is terrifying. Independent or disobedient people evoke in the abuser the realization that something is wrong with his worldview, that he is not the centre of the world or its cause and that he cannot control what, to him, are internal representations. To the abuser, losing control means going insane. Because other people are mere elements in the abuser's mind - being unable to manipulate them literally means losing it (his mind). Imagine, if you suddenly were to find out that you cannot manipulate your memories or control your thoughts ... Nightmarish! In his frantic efforts to maintain control or re-assert it, the abuser resorts to a myriad of fiendishly inventive stratagems and mechanisms.

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  • Well I came here to look for answers for myself. I am a man and feel as if i am being abused and it hurt me to read all there was on this subject. Everything read He, Him, Himself. Why is it always asummed that the one doing the abusing is a man. I am a man that is hurting right now and I can't find anything that puts the right shoe on my foot. Everything points to the man being the abuser. Why is this, why can't I find any help as the one being abused. Help.
  • I am in the same situation as you are. What I do is just mentally replace HE with SHE.
  • The emotional abuser gets "control" of your entire being. Without it they are "out of control". My step-son is in such a marriage. Beverly Engel must have known his wife - she had too - how else could she have written the book on the abuse she dishes out. I beg him to call the abuse hotline. He's so unhappy. He just wishes she would change - which we know won't happen. It's the saddest thing to see happen to someone you love so much. Being an abused male is not uncommon - it's just not talked about because men are suppose to be "macho". Speak up men! Speak out! My step-son talks to us often about his home life. But he needs someone other than us to talk too. I wish each and every one of you success in your relationships. We ALL deserve happiness.
  • First and foremost they gain CONTROL control over your whole being. The moment this is taken away, by you leaving for instance they alter, say they want to change, that they are sorry to give them a second chance that they realise it was their fault. trust your instincts LEAVE , for they are just FILLING YOU WITH WORDS IN ORDER TO GAIN BACK THE CONTROL. abusers don't change they continue the cycle.
  • If you notice in most of my posts regarding abuse I put "spouse" or he or she. I do work for a Women's Abuse Center in Canada and there are groups for men. I teach the abused women there when I speak with them that men often are abused as well. They are surprised to say the least. Mind you, the percentage is higher for women who are abused because there is simply more of us. The reason men slip through the cracks of being the ones abused is the fact that life has lead both sexes to believe men are the dominant of the two. Places like the Women's Center are re-educating people regarding men being abused and we are working on helping them as well. Most men are brought up by their parents that they should never strike or push a women and most men follow this rule to the letter. They can often go with a girlfriend or marry a woman that is verbally, physically abusive or even both. Many people feel that men can protect themselves from a woman's abuse, but not true! If a woman hits a man (and I've seen plenty of that) with an object, in most cases the man will take the abuse. Where does he go to get help? What would his buddies think of such a thing? The male is often left feeling frustrated and alone because he feels that no one will ever understand why he can't fight back. The point of it all is, if you did fight back you would become abusive yourself. Phone your Mental Health and tell them what is going on. They will lead you to groups that can help you deal with the problem. Just as I often say to women facing abuse from a man, get on that phone and get some help to get away from this person. If children are involved in your relationships it's extremely important that until your abusive wife gets help you take the children along with you because if you don't the already frustrated and angry wife will take it out on the kids and you can bet your money on that one. I don't know if the men on this board are aware of the fact that if your spouse hits you in any way you can actually phone the police and have her arrested! Yes, you heard me right. I've seen it over and over. For the first offence the woman is held for 24 hours in jail. If her spouse has been badly abused (hit with a hard object, has broken bones, bruises, welts, etc.) the male victim can persue this and take her to court. Just wanted you to know that some of us on this board do realize that men can be abused both verbally and physically.
  • You bring up a good point. I don't think that everyone here "assumes" that men are all abusers or that men, in general, are bad. In forums such as this one, I would tend to think that more women than men write and share their experiences. This is true in real life as well. Also, battered women rarely speak up about their experiences until they get out of the bad situation. It's even rare for a battered woman to open up and talk about her experience(s) on an anonymous chat board. Typically, men are more likely to keep emotions inside (not a sterotype, but rather a fact). When it comes to opening up about something as personal and emotionally/physically painful as abuse, I would think that even the incredibly small number of women who decide to talk about it still outnumber the number of men willing to talk about it. Hence all the "he's" and "hims" on this board. NO ONE deserves abuse. Male OR female. Physical, verbal or emotional. NO ONE has the right to abuse you. NO ONE has the right to lay a hand on you out of anger or without your consent. And NO ONE has the right to make you feel bad about yourself, less than human or less than what God originally intended. My advice (for what it's worth) is for you to replace the "hims" and "he's" with "hers" and "she's" (when reading about abuse, victimization and recovery) to work through your situation and succeed in healing (notice the word "succeed"). See the posts as being written from the perspective of the writer, which will (as I said above) be a female victim talking about a male abuser and not an across the board opinion of abuse or of all men.If you read some of these posts, you will know that you are definitely among friends here. And do you realize, by writing what you wrote here, that you may have helped or will help another abused man in healing and recovery?
  • Men are definitely not the only ones dishing out abuse. This is a human affliction, not a gender affliction. But men probably struggle with coming to realization that they are being controlled or manipulated. It does in fact happen. I know. I fell deeply in love with my current wife, immediately. None of us are perfect and we all will have moments of bad behavior I am sure. But abuse is just at least a knotch above and seems to be insidiously pathological. My wife is a Pentecostal Christian and invited me to come to a meeting at a local home. Away we went. The host claimed to be a "prophet" who was hosting a "faith healer". I watched and attended the whole meeting. On the way home my girlfriend who is now my wife asked me what I thought. I said something to the effect of "That was interesting and I don't think I swallowed one bit of that performance. Especially the part where after being faith healed for a chronic sore back the individual procalaimed that they thought it felt a *little* better" She proceeded to tear an absolute strip off of me, lecturing me on Christianity and morality in general. I was aghast to say the least and a little indignant that I did not get my intellectual discussion with my girlfriend. The danger sign in all of this that looking back tells me is that it was all my fault and was left that way, primarily out of her asserting a moral perjorative.
  • I don't know what they get out of abuse. But my husband was so nasty that he could not take my independence. He could not take it that I was thinking and challenging him. I am still in the process of getting out of the battering. Only God can help me get out of it completely.
  • One poster mentioned it was just not men and women that were abused and that is so true. Children, the elderly and even pets can be abused. Having studied abuse and helping abused individuals, I find that abusers usually come from an abusive environment themselves. It has nothing to do with whether they are highly educated or if they have a low education; race, poor/rich has nothing to do with it. Abusive people somewhere along the line feel they can't express what they really feel so they harbor these feelings until they go off like a bomb (and all do.) A person may have grown up in a family with no abuse, but somewhere in their childhood their peers (sometimes bullies) or even in the workforce, the individual feels picked on, duped and left out of society as a whole. They often end up with the lack of confidence, feel they should be better that they are and basically feel like a failure. Believe it or not for a high percentage of abusive individuals they hate themselves for what they do, but they are like a runaway locomotive and can't seem to stop. Thus, they live in a bubble and control those around them and that involved their spouse, children and even the family pet! It is more likely that abusive women will go for counseling then abusive men. Another poster brought up the fact that some abused women are more open about speaking of their abuse either during or after, while men are more apt to hold this secret within them not knowing where to turn for help and that is true. Men feel if they go to a psychologist, report their wife to the police, etc., they will be "found out" and considered weak or a fool. Not true! Each case is very individual and can vary. I have a friend whose son is married to a very abusive partner. One night in bed he was woken by a shock from a blow to the nose. As he staggered into the onsuite bathroom to see what had hit him (it was his wife and she was drunk) she came up behind him with a Golf club and nailed him behind the knees. He hit the floor like a rock. As soon as he could gather his composure he headed for the phone and called the police. His wife was taken away in handcuffs and her husband let her cool her heels over night in jail. When she got home he told her that if she ever hit him again he would press charges and take her to court and that would be the end of their marriage. He offered to back her if she wanted psychological counseling, but she refused. She stopped the physical abuse, but she is now into emotional abuse and practices it often. For those men out there that take physical or emotional abuse you have the right to seek legal counsel and get away from this abusive relationship, just like a woman has a right. Abuse applies to EVERYONE on this board be it a woman, man, child, the elderly or even someone mistreating their pet.
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โˆ™ 2014-03-04 19:34:54
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Q: What does an emotional abuser get out of the abuse?
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If your an emotional abuser what causes them to leave?

the victim or the abuser? emotional abuse cuts deeper than physical abuse. it has to do with manipulation. though emotional abuse and physical abuse ususally go hand in hand.


How can a potential abuser how can you get help?

Get into batterer counseling (even if its verbal/ emotional abuse) ASAP (NO Anger Management - that does NOTHING for abusers)


How do you Confronting abuse?

Abuse comes in many ways; it can be both emotional and psychological. As a victim dealing with abuse, the best way is to set boundaries and realize you alone cannot change the abuser. The best way to handle it is to set boundaries, understand that it is your reactions that you can really change, and get professional help if problem escalates. Confronting an abuser as an outsider may or may not be the best idea; they may take as an attack and direct their anger at you. If it is indeed physical abuse, call authorities! There are laws against physical abuse, but not emotional abuse.


Is emotional abuse a crime?

If it is emotional abuse of a child, then yes.


What are the statistics on mentally abusive relationships in the US?

in the thousands and many more are not reported every year. Abuse is abuse and can come in three forms. PHYSICAL, MENTAL, EMOTIONAL. if you are a victim or abuser seek help immedialty.


How does dominance cause abuse in a relationship?

The desire to dominate, and frustration when it doesn't work, is the immediate cause of most abuse. The underlying causes are emotional problems that will only get worse if untreated. Either get the abuser into an effective program, or get out of there.


Is it illegal to cause emotional abuse?

Not on a general basis, but if one partner wants to get a divorce from the other they can use 'emotional abuse' as a way to get that divorce. If one is emotionally abused, it is just as bad as being physically abused (you just can't see the scars) and the victim should leave their abuser.


What is an emotional abuser?

An emotional abuser is someone who is constantly belittling another. Example: If a husband is an emotional abuser he will call his wife every dirty thing in the book; tell her she is ugly or fat; not a good cook; not a good mother, etc., to lower her self worth and self esteem. It is a form of control the emotional abuser needs and they have generally learned this pattern of behavior from the environment in which they grew up.


Does substance abuse intervention increase the abuser's odds of staying clean?

Yes, it does. In all cases, the substance abuse intervention is conducted to inform the abuser of the danger and guide the abuser out of whatever form of substance abuse he/she is using. This on a whole gives the abuser moral and medical support, increasing the odds of staying clean.


What is emotional abuse?

Continuous insults, demands and harassment towards a partner with the intent to erode that person's self esteem. It may take place only in private, or it may be done publicly to increase the victim's humiliation. The victim is told, either directly or in various ways, that they cannot manage--their appearance, their sexuality, their finances, their emotions, their entire life. Abuse often occurs with the victim being isolated from family and friends, as to where they perceive their abuser as their only source of "support". The abuse may at times alternate with expressions of love and affection, only to reoccur again and again. When confronted with their behavior, the abuser tends to become angry and blame the victim for the abuser's behavior. The emotional abuser allows the victim no criticism or input into what goes on in the relationship.Emotional abuse is when someone is calling another names; telling them constantly they will never make anything of themselves or no one will want them and just basically putting them down at every chance the emotional abuser gets. The victim of the abuse will lose their confidence; eventually believe what their emotional abuser is saying and often the victim will become depressed and remain extremely quiet in most social situations.emotinal abuse is the calling names, ignoring, or saying mean things to the child like "i would have gotten an abortion if i was aloud" or "why didnt i give you up for adoption when i had the chance"


How do you stop abuse?

Get as far away from the abuser as possible


What is an abuser?

One who abuses, i.e., commits abuse.

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