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What should you do if you know you're co-dependent and you were in a relationship with a childhood sex-abused girl who left you because the relationship got too heavy but you want her back?

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November 21, 2005 7:17PM

Well you're one smart guy and at least you are facing up to some mistakes you've made, but don't be too hard on yourself ... we all make mistakes and the important thing is we learn from that mistake. The world is a vast "learning field." When you were with that girl you should have used that time to get her help. Anyone (male/female) that has been sexually abused needs professional help. The scars are deep and it takes years of therapy for that person to help heal those scars. Her problem went back many years before you met her, and, once someone is sexually abused as a child and has no control over the situation they are left frightened, not trusting anyone, and everything is fine with the opposite sex until that man starts to get serious about her. She can't help it, she just can't handle it because she's never received proper therapy for her childhood abuse. You're some kind of guy for wanting her back with all her problems and that's a great indication you know what the word "love" truly means. I suggest that you phone her and meet with her. Tell her you understand the best you can about her abuse and you are not going to rush her into anything. Tell her that between the two of you, she can beat her fears. Tell her you'll be there 100%, but she needs professional help. Assure her that she won't be stranded in some institution for treatment, but just visits to a good psychiatrist and that they can teach her tools to deal with her problem where she will have some quality of life. No, she will never forget her sexual abuse issues completely, but, she will have a good relationship, hopefully a successful marriage and children if she so chooses. If she agrees to come back to you, then you both work at her seeing a professional and be there with her (in the waiting room of the psychiatrists office) when she goes to her appointments because this type of therapy can be emotionally draining on her. There are good programs out there where she can meet once or twice a week with other women who have been sexually abused when they were a child. It helps! She will learn to realize she isn't a monster, it wasn't her fault, and hopefully this will help her to gain some self confidence in her life. I must warn you that there still could be some sexual problems in your relationship for years to come, so be sure that you want to be with this girl and see her through this to the end. It will take a lot of patience and a lot of waiting. Love has no boundaries, and if you truly love someone there isn't anything you can't do for them. Good luck Marcy