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Why can't you get over an affair your wife had 10 years ago?


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January 30, 2012 5:07AM

Because you don't fully understand what caused it. If you understood completely, and were confident in your own skin, you'd be able to forgive. She did it because she needed love, she craved attention, she felt neglected, or hurt, or some other emotion. You need to talk -- not about what happened during the affair, because that's an image you'll never get out of your mind -- but about what happened, moment by moment, in her mind, to make it okay. What was she feeling about you at the time? What needs did she have unmet? What rationalizations did she make?

If you can have that conversation, without being defensive or accusatory, if you can cry together for the loss, then you'll be able, at some point, to forgive. Ten years is a long time to bear this burden. For both of you.

Another Answer

Understand that ten years ago, she was in a different place to where she is now, things werent right for her, she made bad choices in life, hurt the person she loved yes. But now she has learned from this experience, grown from it, she understands the pain she has caused and knows how it feels to live with this eternal internal guilt, a guilt that has never been forgiven.

This woman has stuck by your side, living day in- day out with the knowledge of how much you resent her, have hated her even, knowing that deep down you have never forgiven her. I bet there has been many times that she has cried herself to sleep over this. And many, many times she has felt your disgust, your rejection, and felt your cold shoulder turned away her when she needed you most. And still she stays by your side? Can't you see how much she needs your forgiveness?

Isn't it time that you turned around and finally see this woman for what she is now - a strong, guilt ridden, rejected, hurt woman who pays every day for a mistake she made a long, long time ago, a mistake that has never been forgiven by the man she loves so much? Isn't it time you accepted the truth of what you now do to her every day? I think its time, don't you?

If you can't do this, then set her free from these chains.