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Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence

Why is it so hard to hold an abusive person accountable for their actions?

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03/11/2015

It is hard, because it is not your job to parent them. Understand that verbally they will win and physical abuse is not far behind. When you are finished trying to make changes, it is time to leave. A good book with things to try is Patricia Evan's Verbally Abusive Relationship.

Because they deny that they are abusers to start with! Abusers regularly deny the abuse ever took place - or rationalize their abusive behaviors. Denial is an integral part of the abuser's ability to "look at himself/herself in the mirror". There are many types of denial. When confronted by his victims, most abusers tend to shift blame or avoid the topic altogether. Total denial 1. Outright denial Typical retorts by the abuser: "It never happened, or it was not abuse, you are just imagining it, or you want to hurt my (the abuser's) feelings" 2. Alloplastic defense Common sentences when challenged: "It was your fault, you, or your behavior, or the circumstances, provoked me into such behavior" 3. Altruistic defense Usual convoluted explanations: "I did it for you, in your best interests" 4. Transformative defense Recurring themes: "What I did to you was not abuse - it was common and accepted behavior (at the time, or in the context of the prevailing culture or in accordance with social norms), it was not meant as abuse" Abusers frequently have narcissistic traits. As such, they are more concerned with appearance than with substance. Dependent for narcissistic supply on the community - neighbors, colleagues, co-workers, bosses, friends, extended family - they cultivate an unblemished reputation for honesty, industriousness, religiosity, reliability, and conformity. Forms of denial in public 4. Family honor stricture Characteristic admonitions: "We don't do dirty laundry publicly, the family's honor and repute must be preserved, what will the neighbors say?" 5. Family functioning stricture Dire and ominous scenarios: "If you snitch and inform the authorities, they will take me (the abusive parent) away and the whole family will disintegrate" Confronting the abuser with incontrovertible proof of his abusive behavior is one way of minimizing contact with him. Abusers - like the narcissists that they often are - cannot tolerate criticism or disagreement. Answer These they never want to face up to being wrong and if their alcoholics who have black outs, you will never hear I'm sorry. Most of the times they odn't remember what they said and even deny having ever said such words. My mother who is an alcoholic for 30 years is a fine example. She never has to apolize because she has no recollection of her words the next day. These people are incaple of feeling anything real, and a horrible breed of people. I really don't like my mother at all, and I think she'e very sick. Answer If they cared to be accountable, and responsible they wouldn't be abusing you. Being accountable means they have to recognize the behavior. Recognizing the behavior means that they take responsibility. Taking responsibilty means they can't be pukes. Not being pukes means they have to be productive... get the picture. Holding someone accountable.. means they have to change, be responsible.... abusers don't want that. Answer There are few things abusers dread more than having to face up to their own odious selves. Emotionally, they are firmly stuck in the kindergarten playground. They can't own their actions. Instead, they go to the playground supervisor, and howl, 'It's not fair. Everybody's being **beastly** to me'. (Sob, sob). It never enters their tiny minds that they are the ones who're being 'beastly'.