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How do you try a witch?


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December 03, 2008 3:55PM

Step one: find someone who has few or no friends as your target. You don't want anyone spoiling your fun. Friendless old crones are best, for they can be easily captured for your purpose. Also, you want someone who has a working knowledge of gardening or herbalism. Step two: Publicly accuse the person of being a witch. Make up wild stories to back your claim, such as "I get itchy whenever s/he looks at me!" or "I saw him/her kissing the Devil's behind!" The stranger and darker the accusation, the better. Step three: This part you will have to do yourself, since witchcraft is not a crime in these enlightened days. Arrest the person and begin your interrogation/torture sessions. It is a well-known fact that most people will confess to anything if tortured long enough, even if they are innocent. Step four: As no judge in the land will hear your case, you will have to pass judgment on the person yourself. Keep in mind that this judgment is not legally binding, which means that you will have to carry out any sentences yourself. Some popular choices are: a. Hanging b. Burning at the stake (this also makes it easier to hide the body afterward) c. Dunking in the lake or river (this is supposedly a test to see if someone is a witch; if the person floats, s/he is guilty, but if s/he sinks, s/he may yet prove to be innocent, although dead) Step five: Carry out your sentence. Don't forget to hide the body! This message brought to you by a real witch, who dares you to try it.