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Did he father these children prior to your relationship or during your marriage? If it's the former, make the kids feel welcome and a part of your family as much as you can, even if your spouse and his ex do not get along.
It's more problematic if he fathered these kids as the result of an affair. Do you plan on staying married to your husband, is your husband required to pay child support? I can imagine how incredibly difficult and painful it would be to deal with this situation. For many people, it would be the ultimate betrayal, something that would lead to a divorce.
There are two choices you can make, if you stay with your spouse: to accept these children fully into your family, either with full custody or for visits, while limiting contact with the mother as much as possible (or having contact with her only through a third party, such as a family member of your husband's). Your spouse would not have visits with his kids at the other woman's home, and all meeting would be arranged in advance. I think the hardest part of that situation is that no matter what you think about your spouse and the other woman, you have to prevent yourself from projecting your feelings about the affair onto these kids. That's not fair to them and solves nothing.
The other choice is for you (and your children) to have no contact with these kids and to allow your husband to decide what contact, if any, he wants with them As above, if he wants visitation, he would not be in contact with or go to the other woman's residence; he would see the children in a public place or at the residence of a third party (his parents, siblings, etc.)
While the children are innocent of what both the other woman and your spouse willingly engaged in, I don't think you are required to have any responsibility towards them. Your husband has a financial responsibility towards them, but the other woman fully accepted the risk, by having kids with a married man, of single parenthood. It would be disingenuous of anyone to claim otherwise. That's a potential choice that she made for herself and her children when she chose to get pregnant. How you deal with your husband's selfish and poor choices is your decision.
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∙ 16y ago
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