Why do emotional abusers always come back?

Answer 1

Sometimes.

Depends. I'd say mostly on the victims state. If they have constantly backed down and forgave the abuser, chances are the abuser will come back and try to suck them in, ya know, being sick enough to take advantage of a vulnerable person or of a particular vulnerable quality.

However, if the victim started standing up and confronting the abuser, showing signs of independence and that they aren't going to thke the abuser's crap, then more than likely the abuser won't come back, because they view it as a threat.

Only if they can regain CONTROL. Show them that they can't control you and they will regroup and find their next victim. Of course they will have already tried every trick in their bag up to this point. It's just like a drug user that can no longer get their drug from the same source. They will scramble in vain to find the next source. CONTROL is the drug of an abuser - their lifeline of existence.

In my experience, YES.

BUT I imagine if there wasn't a pay-off or reward on their return (ie contact, forgiveness, honeymoon period etc) and, instead, a calm, CONSISTENT "NO" to their approaches (followed up by police intervention if need be), they would back off.

However, I think much depends on the person you are dealing with in terms of how persistent they are in returning.

Police, a restraining order and police called to my home subsequent to my obtaining a restraining order DID NOT deter the man I was involved with -- he was on my doorstep 10 days after I obtained a restraining order.

However, I was also the fool that kept taking him in and listening to empty promises (counselling etc).

Nonetheless, it's disturbing that he would ignore the law and probably even more disturbing that despite all, I would take him back rather than contact the authorities while he pathetically pleaded at my door.

But, I loved him or had some kind of emotional bond, so I found it extremely difficult to follow through further with intervention and found myself relying on hope that "this time" things would be different.

I wouldn't wish this nightmare on anyone.

In my experience, yes. My abuser neglected a school suspension to come to school and try to get me back. He also violated a letter of harassment to yell at me in the hallway, several times and now has community service as a result. So basically, whatever restraints are put in place, he violates and then waits a bit til more restraints are administered, and violates them too.

I think though, that it really depends on the person. I've only actually called him out once to talk to him, which I shouldn't have done. It's better to avoid, avoid, avoid. And hopefully, they'll eventually go away. Though I haven't gotten that far yet, so I really don't know.

Yes!

Stalkers and the Borderline Personality

The Borderline Personality

In recent years psychologists have learned about and done case studies on a new personality disorder which the DSM-III-R classifies as an Axis II disorder- the Borderline Personality . This classification includes such personality disorders as the Anti-social Personality, the Histrionic Personality and the Narcissistic Personality. Several psychologists (including myself) diagonosed my stalker as afflicted with the Borderline Personality. Characteristic of the Borderline (derived from research done by Kreisman & Straus, 1989) are:

a shaky sense of identity

sudden, violent outbursts

oversensitivity to real or imagined rejection

brief, turbulent love affairs

frequent periods of intense depression

eating disorders, drug abuse, and other self-destructive tendencies

an irrational fear of abandonment and an inability to be alone

Not much research has been done on the Borderline Personality, and for many years it was difficult to diagnose- and to treat. A Borderline often feels as though his/her life is marked with a distinctive emptiness; a void in which a relationship often acts to fill. Many times the Borderline is a victim of an early dysfunctional family situation and/or emotional/physical abuse by those he/she trusted early on in childhood.

The Borderline is psychotic , in the original, psychological meaning of the term: he/she is not in control and not in touch with reality. To the Borderline, a softly spoken word of advice can be construed as a threat on his/her emotional stability. An outsider's viewpoint that the Borderline is not in touch with reality often ends in a bitter and irrational dissassociation from the outsider on the part of the Borderline. Often, the Borderline ends up very much alone and victim to his/her disillusions.

The Borderline stalker is very apt to see his/her actions as perfectly justified; he/she has paranoid disillusions which support these-often with disturbing frequency. The Borderline often has brief love affairs which end abruptly, turbulently and leave the Borderline with enhanced feelings of self-hatred, self-doubt and a fear that is not often experienced by rational people. When the Borderline's relationships turn sour, the Borderline often begins to, at first, harass the estranged partner with unnecessary apologies and/or apologetic behavior (i.e. letters of apology 'from the heart', flowers delivered at one's place of employment, early morning weeping phonecalls, etc.). However, the Borderline does not construe his/her behavior as harassment- to the Borderline he/she is being 'responsible' for his/her past behaviors.

The next phase of the Borderline Personality develops relatively quickly and soon he/she feels suddenly betrayed, hurt, etc. and seeks to victimize the estranged partner in any way he/she can Strangely enough, this deleterious behavior is always coupled with a need to be near or in constant contact with the estranged partner . While sending threats to the estranged partner, it is very common for the Borderline to begin to stalk his/her estranged partner in an effort to maintain contact. This effort is motivated by the excruciating fear that the Borderline will end up alone and anger that [the estranged partner] has put him/her in this position. We are finding, in many cases, that a great deal of stalking behavior is associated with Borderline or related personality disorders. Earlier research did not incorporate the Borderline Personality in stalking profiles; research now is beginning to focus on the Borderline in such disorders as Erotomania, etc.

Answer 2

Because they want somebody to hurt. That's about as simple as it can get.