Is a second marriage more successful than the first?

Answer 1

It depends on the spouses. An individual that may have had a bad marriage before (perhaps abusive) may choose a new spouse who is also abusive. Often people who get married a second time try harder to stay married and learn from past mistakes.

Answer 2

Answer 1: First, people in first marriages are usually young, have no children, few or any assets or debt, and tend to be more carefree and "in for the adventure." By the time people get to a second marriage, though, most or all of those things have changed; and so, then, when couples bring more such baggage into their second marriages, they are sometimes unprepared for the consequences... both of their own baggage's effect on their partners, and vice versa.

Secondly, age doesn't necessarily equate to wisdom; and so, many end-up making the same spousal-choice-mistakes in their second marriages as they did in their first ones. The heart wants what it wants, but sometimes what it wants isn't healthy. For example, many people whose first marriages are broken-up by drug or alcohol abuse will, nevertheless, choose a partner for their second marriage who has similar problems... or at least other kinds of addictive-spectrum behviors and/or problems. Before getting into a second marrage -- or even beginning dating after a first -- most people should probably get some counseling and figure out if their marriage partner bad choices have a deeper cause.

Third, an expansion of one thing in the first item, here: Children. No child wants his/her parent to re-marry. In many marriages, step-parents don't have the same parental authority as natural parents, and so have no control over their step-children (and shame on the natural parent for allowing same), and so resentments, all 'round, begin and are continually fed. Usually younger, but often older and even adult children will never accept the step-parent, and will spend literally lifetimes doing everything in their power to make trouble in, or even break-up, their parents' second marriages. Partners with children in second marriages have to lay down some very serious rules for both themselves and their children -- usually withe the help of such as step-parenting seminars, or even counseling -- so that children cannot and will not have their selfish way in sabotaging the second marriage.

Fourth, related to the immediately previous: Visitations and their schedules, conflicts, resentments and even sabotage. In every second marriage with children in it, there's always the non-custodial parent and his/her rights of visitation. Some children love it, some hate it, and there always seems to be trouble keeping the schedule, and maintaining respect and civility all 'round. The divorced parents of the custodial children living in the second marriage with a step-parent need to be adults, for godsake, and sit down, without the children around, and come to some adult agreement about how they will conduct themselves; what they say to children about the other two adults involved; what they'll disabuse their children of believing, saying and doing; how they'll react when something happens, or the children involved allege or complain about something; and so on, and so on, and so on. They then need to sit down with the children and explain how things are gonna' be; and make sure the children understand that they've got said children's number, and that it will be the adults who circle the wagons against the children who try to make childish trouble. The adults, of course, then need to live-out that to which they've agreed, and not be petty with one another (or at least to only so do when the kids aren't around); and to be supportive of the divorced parents' new marriages and lives. One of the key things they all need to do is make sure the children know that they are not the reason the divorce happened. Kids will blame themselves -- usually insensibly -- and will often not tell any of the adults in their lifes about it; and then the adults need to act as if they understand that, and take upon themselves the sometimes painfully-honest truth and blame for whatever happened to break-up the first marriage.

Fifth, an expansion of something in the first thing: Money, and its baggage. New second-marriage wives can resent and/or miss the loss of alimony from the now-divorced-from first husband; new second marriage husbands who are paying child support to a former wife can feel the stress and pain of that, while, at the same time, trying to support his new family. The debt of either 2nd marriage partners' former spouses (after all, debt is joint, under the law; and if the first marriage spouse won't pay, then the courts go after the spouse now in a second marriage) can irritate and make resentful the 2nd marriage's other spouse. And the list can go on and on. Again, baggage.

Sixth, second marriages are often the result of one or both parties in a first marriage having had an affair. If a second marriage consists of at least one partner who cheated on his/her first spouse with his/her new husband/wife, then the partner in the second marriage who hadn't done the cheating on a spouse before said second marriage had better be mindful of the old, and provably true adage: A person who cheats with you will cheat on you. Having an affair while married is bad enough; and those having said affair will often marry one another after the spouse in what will become the 2nd marriage finally divorces whomever was being cheated on in the first... and often before the ink on said divorce is even dry. That, alone, is a huge mistake. But, worse, the mentality of a cheater is such that it often ends-up not mattering which marriage is involved, s/he will end-up cheating on it, regardless. Never have an affair with a married person; and even if you do, never subsequently marry him/her. You'll just get cheated on, yourself, in time. Additionally, even if a divorced person meets, soon after said divorce, someone new, don't be too quick to jump-in to a second marriage. Let some time elapse... some serious time. The truth is, most people are worthless as relationship or marriage partners for at least three years after they divorce... sometimes longer. No one should jump-in to a new marriage too quickly after ending one... no matter how okay it seems. Self-discipline, in this regard, is crucial.

Seventh, any divorce attorney will tell you that people in second marriages, espcially, always vow that they'll never divorce again; but the statistics show that once a person divorces, it becomes easier for them to divorce in the future. Some persons in second marriages, then, no longer fear divorce; they survived one, they can survive another.

Eighth, if there are children involved, then the parent of said children in the new, 2nd marriage may never, ever, be fully divorced/separated from the former spouse who's the other parent... and, especially, his/her parents: The 2nd marriage partner's in-laws... and the rest of their family. Figuring out where the children are supposed to go during holidays, or on special visitations; or if the in-laws are allowed to pick them up, or if they have any "rights" at all... and so on, and so on, and so on... it can all be very stressful; and many partners in 2nd marriages who much endure all that finally get fed-up.

Once a first marriage has failed, stop and regroup. And I mean seriously regroup. Do nothing in the way of beginning to date again; and if the reason you divorced was because you had an affair, then whatever you do, do not marry the person with whom you had said affair.

Don't even date, in fact, for at least a year or two... preferably three. Think about what happened, and why. Get some counseling. Read some books. Learn to be a single adult who's got a life that could do as well, at least functionally, with or without a partner.

But, of course, never lose sight of that even such a self-sufficient life with someone is usually better than such a life alone; and then don't hesitate, eventually, to date again, and even to remarry. But, if so, make sure that both you and your new partner are well-grounded, just generally; that at least you, as someone formerly married (and your new partner, too, if s/he was also once marriage) have been through both individual and, as new partners, couples therapy. And that you've read all the right books, and sufficiently contemplated your own navels in life.

If there are children involved, contemplate and plan for all the contingencies; for their other parent and his/her family; and for how the children may sabotage things. In fact, when first dating, don't be so quick to introduce children to the new potential spouse so that it doesn't seem to said children like a revolving door.

If you have assets and/or liabilties, discuss how that's all going to be handled; consult with an attorney, first, if you have to. As unromantic as they may be, prenuptial agreements are often executed in second or successive marriages... even if for no other reason than to protect assets and the childrens' rights thereto, either in the event of death, and even divorce.

Second marriages can be blessed, indeed... a place where wiser and more experiencd new partners can act on what they've learned, and be together for life. But it takes some serious thinking and planning and self-assessment, else it, too, will fail. And as both the question suggests, and this answer explains, the odds are against it from the outset.

Answer 3

There are no rules about the relative success of first or second marriages. Both can fail. Both can succeed.