How does a narcissist act when their child gets a spouse?

Answer 1

My latest experience ( I am now in my fifties) with my narcissistic mother has been that she was accustomed to a fairly high level of attention from me which inevitably became less frequent as I recently bonded with a new partner. I initially felt I should apologise to her for this, and kept on seeing her more often than I wanted to. On the last occasion I visited her she told me I was 'peculiar' for not wanting to share more details of my 'new' life with her. When I politely protested she claimed she hadn't said it, and then put her hands over her ears and shouted that I was always getting at her. Then began the campaign of getting other family members to ring me and tell me I was causing her to commit suicide (again?), that I was a terrible person and that I caused her many illnesses through stress. I arranged for a doctor to visit and when I spoke to him he confirmed she was very 'matter of fact' and was attention seeking. She constructed a fiction that I had not told her I was getting married but had told an aunt first ( in fact she didn't react much when I told her so perhaps she was so preoccupied with her own thoughts that she didn't really take it in - she often doesn't listen properly). She sent me several letters outlining my faults, mixed in with a sickly sentimentality around my fiance (whom she has not met yet - there are reasons) She forbad me to speak to my aunt as I 'caused her to have angina attacks' ( this is because we had had a lovely supportive talk together about my mothers foibles and helped each other to feel a bit better).She detailed what proportion of me was good and what bad, and announced that the bad part, though small, 'spoiled the rest'. She had a medical emergency phone contact centre she has ring me at 11.00 at night, saying I must ring her urgently. When I did (despite my leaving next morning at 4.30 am. to catch a plane), she said in her nastiest voice that it was a mistake and that there was nothing wrong, but then I 'didn't want to know now anyway, did I?'

I have experienced my mother frequently ringing up my ex-husband when she was displeased with me and tearing me to shreds with him, and they both did this once in front of my son when I wasn't there. The worst of her bizarre and malicious actions was to sleep with an ex-boyfriend of mine when I was 20, a man she knew I was still deeply in love with. When their 'relationship' inevitably collapsed, she came round to my bedsit and burst into tears, expecting me to comfort her (and to be angry - she likes that too - anything to cast herself centre stage).

You may see from this that like many children of narcissists, there is a huge back story of hurt. I would advise anyone in a similar position to get as far away from the parent as possible, especially if trying to establish a new relationship. If the parent is threatened with losing their grip on you, their intrusive rights and there source of interesting detail to share with others behind your back, you will be for it! I am determined not to let this nasty old woman spoil any more of my days with fruitless efforts to gain her approval which is always a hair's breadth away from being withdrawn. What they do when a new spouse comes along is what they have done to you all your life - try to make sure they don't lose their supply, and they are not afraid to use anything or anyone to undermine your autonomy. Don't leave it till you're 50+ !