How to choose a marriage counselor

Deciding to Visit a Marriage Counselor

The decision to visit a marriage counselor is often one made out of hurt, despair and frustration. Much like many patients won't visit a Doctor to strike up a friendly chat, or a Dentist when they are not experiencing any tooth pain or are not due for a checkup, most couples won't seek out a marriage counselor when there are no problems within the relationship. While there are a myriad of reasons that would support visiting a marriage counselor even during times of elation, the truth of the matter is that chances are a couple visiting a marriage counselor is in need of assistance. The following three steps will help you find the right marriage counselor for you.

Step 1: Understanding the Counseling Process

Contrary to popular belief a counselor is neither an expert in relationships nor are they a decision maker such as a judge or mediator. A counselor is a guide to help a couple find their own answers together. A counselor can be seen as a neutral third party who is able to build a relationship with both members of the couple and reflect on patterns and behavior that she notices in the couple. The counselor can also be an educator and the promoter of positive change in both members of the marriage. More so than anything else, the most important concept to understand about the counseling process is that all members involved must be committed to identifying problems and making a change. The most world renowned counselor on the planet will not be able to incite change in a person who does not want to make a change.

Step 2: Understanding Counseling Styles

There are literally dozens of formal styles of counseling in which your marriage counselor may be trained. While all forms of counseling are effective in their own way, not every style will be right for every couple. It is even possible that one form of counseling may be very effective for one member of the couple but not effective at all for the other.

Psychoanalytic counselors likely represent what most people recognize as counseling from television and movies. Counselors subscribing to this model of counseling take into serious consideration a person's childhood and lifespan development. This counselor will often seek to explore a counselor's conscious and subconscious wants and needs, often linking them to stages of development through childhood and adult life.

Another popular form of counseling theory comes from the Cognitive-Behavioral school of thought. Cognitive-Behavioral counselors spend a lot of time focusing on a client's thoughts and feelings, thought reframing and identification of irrational thoughts. Cognitive-Behavioral therapy has the benefit of being quantifiable and able to be studied, thus often being a form of treatment commonly covered by most health insurance companies. While highly effective, some criticize that Cognitive-Behavioral therapy does not alone account for enough of the emotional side of therapy, as such it is often used in conjunction with other styles.

A Reality therapist (also sometimes referred to as a Choice therapist) operates on the thought that despite everything impacting a person's life, that person still has a choice to make. For example, a client who is depressed because he is overweight may not be able to change his feelings of depression, but may make the choice to eat better and include more exercise into his life. As the client continues to get into better health his feelings of depression will likely improve. While clients may not have full control over every aspect of their life, they do ultimately make decisions that impact how their life plays out.

These are just a handful of the many types of therapies that you may be exposed to with your marriage counselor. It is important to have your counselor explain their personal orientation as well as your feelings about how this particular orientation meets or does not meet your needs.

Step 3: Discussing Payment

While your marriage may be worth saving, the cost of therapy is a serious issue to take into consideration. Many marriage counselors will often offer up the first session at a discounted rate or completely pro-bono. The reason for this is so that the counselor and client(s) can take some time to get to know one another and decide if they are the right fit for one another. Serious counseling often does require at least 5-6 sessions on average at minimum, so agreeing to a rate that you can be comfortable paying for 5-6 sessions should be taken into consideration when negotiating a payment scale with a counselor. If there are budgetary concerns that you have, be honest with the counselor in the first session to determine what may be able to be worked out. Many times marriage counselors will operate on a sliding scale or discounted pay-rate for clients in a financial burden.

Conclusions

Many couples opt to pursue marriage counseling after a problem has already been a persistent problem in a couple's life. Couples pursuing marriage counseling should both have the common goal of wanting to continue the marriage with one another and be willing to admit to fault and accept change. If both participants are willing to make active changes in their lives, counseling will hopefully yield a common ground for the couple to work toward their new life together.

Not every style of counseling will be right for every couple