"Mom Always Liked You Best!"

by The Smothers Brothers

TOMMY: Mom always liked you best. My mom always liked my brother best, and she never like me. Mom and..

DICK: Why do you keep tellin' me, "Mom always liked you best"? Whenever you get mad, you always say, "Well, Mom always liked you best."

TOMMY: Oh, ya? Well, Mom always liked you best. And you always picked on me. You and Mom, you and Mom, my mom and my brother would always get together and say, "We don't like you!" Because Mom liked you best, and she never liked me.

DICK: Wait a minute. Do you know why she liked me best?

TOMMY: Oh, y'?

DICK: Would you like to know why she liked me best? Sure she liked me best. Why not?

TOMMY: I never knew Mom liked you best!? You and Mom always used to pick on me. That's... Now I remember!

DICK: Ya, now you're getting it.

TOMMY: Mom always liked you best, and she never liked me.

DICK: You want to know why?

TOMMY: Why?

DICK: Because I happen to be an only child.

TOMMY: Ta'chee, ta'chee.

DICK: Touche, touche. This just isn't your night, Tommy.

TOMMY: You know, Mom gave you a dog. My mom gave my brother a dog, and I didn't get to have, and more than anyth'...

DICK: Everybody had dogs.

TOMMY: I didn't have a dog. You got to have a dog, and more than anything in the whole world, I wanted to have a dog of my own, and I asked my mom, I said, "Mom, I want to have a dog, like my brother, Dickey Smothers. You remember me: I'm Tommy Smothers?" And never got to have a dog, and you wouldn't let me play with your dog or anything!

DICK: Alright. That is.... That's all.....

TOMMY: I remember when I was ten years old, I said, "If I could only have a dog." My brother had a dog, and couldn't....

DICK: Quit cryin' baby.

TOMMY: I didn't get to play with your dog, and you would always tell Mom...

DICK: Why should I?

TOMMY: ...when I'd play with your dog, "Hey, Tommy's playin' with my dog! You remember Tommy, the kid you don't like so much!?" I didn't get to play with the dog, and I didn't have a dog!

DICK: Hold it a minute. Before we go any further, you, you know you had your own pet already.

TOMMY: Crummy chicken.

DICK: Well, you wanted it.

TOMMY: It's no fun playin' with a chicken. They don't bark good.

DICK: You wanted it, you said...

TOMMY: I didn't want it...

DICK: You wanted to sell the eggs.

TOMMY: It was a rooster. And every Saturday, my brother, they would, all of, all of his friends, they'd get on their, they'd all get out their dogs and they'd get their bicycles. And they . . . I didn't have a bicycle, either! You had a bicycle!

DICK: Now, hold it down here. Hold it down here. You're just getting excited. She... You had a wagon. It was a good wagon.

TOMMY: One wheel!

DICK: Well, what'd you do with the other wheels?

TOMMY: Well, it was hard for the chicken to pull that one-wheeled wagon.

DICK: Listen...

TOMMY: You never liked me, and you went on hikes, and, and y...

DICK: You know why you didn't get to go on hikes? You never would accept it.

TOMMY: You now, you even had a dolly.

DICK: A what?

TOMMY: A dolly. My brother had a dolly...

DICK: You, shut up. You, shut up about my doll.

TOMMY: You had that dolly! I remember, you and your dolly! Ya... I said, "Mom, don't get me a dolly." I, I was always, I always liked my brother. Mom says, "Always like your brother." I liked my brother. We used to hang around and do things together, every, about once every three or four months he'd say, "Come on, Tom, let's go smoke some Crayolas."

DICK: I certainly did not say to smoke Crayolas.

TOMMY: You did, too!

DICK: I did not. It stains your teeth.

TOMMY: You'd go on hikes!

DICK: That's right, we went on hikes, because dogs and boys go on hikes. You can't take a chicken on a hike.

TOMMY: Frank was a good hiker.

DICK: Listen, all the guys knew Frank was the best hiking chicken in the block. The reason you couldn't go on a hike, you couldn't keep up, you and that crummy wagon. Do you want to know the real rea...

TOMMY: Fastest one-wheel wagon around!

DICK: Alright, Tommy, but wanna know the real reason?... is that it wasn't your place to go on a hike with us. We liked you, and we liked the chicken, but boys and dogs, they go on hikes together. They're buddies. You know, a little boy even sleeps with his dog. You've never realized the place for a boy and his chicken: chicken coop. You should've kept that crummy chicken in that chicken coop, Tom, and away from my dog.

TOMMY: My, uh, chicken killed his dog.

DICK: It did.....

[Transcribed by: D.C. Harris, 3/23/2014]

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