shiva

In Judaism, shiva (or shiv'ah, Hebrew: שבעה ; "seven") is the week-long period of grief and mourning for the seven first-degree relatives: father, mother, son, daughter, brother, sister, and spouse. (Grandparents and grandchildren are not included). As most regular activity is interrupted, the process of following the shiva ritual is referred to as "sitting" shiva. Shiva is a part of the customs for bereavement in Judaism.

Contents 1 Process 2 Length of shiva 2.1 Shorter observances 2.2 Suspended shiva 3 First day 4 Visiting a shiva home -- Nichum Aveilim 4.1 Shiva Minyan 5 Restrictions during shiva 5.1 Keriah 5.2 Exceptions to shiva restrictions 5.2.1 Leaving the shiva house 5.2.2 Work/business 5.3 Restrictions continuing beyond shiva 5.4 Failure to observe restrictions 6 Delayed/withheld notification of death 7 For exo-marriages 8 References in Popular Culture 9 See also 10 References 11 External links

Process

Immediately upon the burial of the departed (which in Judaism traditionally occurs within one day of death whenever possible), any first-degree relatives assume the halakhic status of "avel" (Hebrew: אבל ; "mourner"). This state lasts for seven days, during which family members traditionally gather in one home (preferably the home of the deceased) and receive visitors, though in some cases, where relatives live in different cities or otherwise find a single location inconvenient, shiva may be observed in multiple locations.

At the funeral, mourners traditionally rend an outer garment, a ritual known as keriah (see below). The torn garment is worn throughout shiva. Among Orthodox Jews, a regular garment is generally used. But outside of the Orthodox community, a common alternative used in lieu of rending a garment is to wear a small torn black ribbon pinned to one's clothes.

Length of shiva

The official "shiva" period is intended to last for seven days. The Hebrew word "shiva" actually means "seven." But even part of a day counts as one of the seven days of shiva. Therefore, the day of the funeral is considered a full day of shiva, even though shiva does not officially begin until after the mourner(s) arrive at the designated location following the funeral.

On day seven, a full day traditionally is not observed either. Shiva generally ends in the morning following services, and the mourners are walked around the block by the community. This practice is based on two verses from the Book of Isaiah.

Also, on Shabbat during the week of shiva, no mourning takes place, but Shabbat is counted as one of the seven days. Sometimes, a minyan with a Torah reading will take place at the mourner's house.

Shorter observances

The seven-day shiva period is generally observed throughout the Orthodox community. Many other Jews have shorter shiva periods. No actual laws exist permitting these shorter observances; these have simply been defined by other Jews as a means of "easing" the mourning process for the mourner. This practice has been criticized within the Orthodox community.

Many Conservative Jews and some Reform Jews observe a three-day shiva period, which has become common.

Some Reform Jews observe just a part of a day for shiva. This part of the day begins after the return from the funeral, and ends later on the same day. Mourners then resume their normal lives following this day.

Suspended shiva

If the first day of a Yom Tov (which includes Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Passover, and Shavuot) occurs during shiva, the shiva ends, regardless of the number of days have already been observed. Even if a Yom Tov begins at nightfall on the day of the funeral, the majority of shiva is cancelled.

If death occurs during Yom Tov, shiva does not begin until the burial is completed. Burial may not take place on Yom Tov, but can on Chol HaMoed (the intermediate days of Sukkot or Passover). Burial can also take place on the second day of a Holiday in the Diaspora. In addition, it is also permitted to delegate the burial to gentiles even on the first day, though such is not usually done.

If a burial occurs on Chol HaMoed, shiva does not begin until after the Yom Tov is completed. In the Diaspora, where most Yom Tovim are observed for two days, mourning does not take place on the second day, but the day is still counted as one of the days of shiva.

First day

On the first day, it is customary for mourners not to eat their own food. Traditionally, the first meal, which is called the seudat havra'ah (Hebrew: סעודת הבראה ; "meal of comforting"), is supplied by neighbors and friends.^[1] The mourners do not bathe or shower for pleasure, ^[2] do not wear leather shoes and/or jewelry, men do not shave, and in many communities mourners keep any household mirrors covered. The prohibition of bathing includes bathing or showering the whole body, or utilizing hot water.^[3] It is permitted to wash separately various parts of the body in cool water.^[3] Marital relations^[4] and Torah study^[5] are not permitted. (It is permitted to study the laws of mourning, as well as that material which may be studied on Tisha B'Av, including Job, Lamentations, portions of Jeremiah and the third chapter of Talmud tractate Moed Katan.^[6]) No public^[7] mourning may occur on Shabbat (the Jewish Sabbath), nor may the burial take place on Shabbat, but the day of Shabbat does count toward the seven-day period. However, "private" mourning restrictions continue during the Sabbath. For example, a mourner may not take a haircut^[8] or bathe for pleasure prior to Shabbat, or have marital relations or study Torah (except for reviewing the weekly Torah portion) on Shabbat.^[9] It is customary for the mourners to sit on low stools, or even the floor, symbolic of the emotional reality of being "brought low" by the grief. Typically, mourners do not return to work until the end of the week of mourning.

Many communities have an arrangement where members of the chevra kadisha (local Jewish burial society) organise the meals for the mourners, and serve refreshments for visitors. If prayer services are organized in the house of mourning, it is customary for an adult mourner to lead the prayers when capable (in Orthodox communities, this obligation and honor is extended only to adult men).

Visiting a shiva home -- Nichum Aveilim

It is considered a great mitzvah (literally "commandment" but more often meaning "good deed") of kindness and compassion to pay a home visit to the mourners. Traditionally, no greetings are exchanged and visitors wait for the mourners to initiate conversation. Often, visitors will recite the traditional words of consolation, Ha-Makom y'nachem et'khem b'tokh sh'ar avelei Tziyon viyrushalayim ("May the Omnipresent comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem"). Once engaged in conversation by the mourners, it is appropriate for visitors to talk about the deceased, sharing stories of his or her life. Some mourners use the shiva as a distraction from their loss, other mourners prefer to openly experience their grief together with friends and family; the visitor just has to be sensitive, let the mourner choose the topic of conversation.

Many have criticized a common practice in which shiva homes have been turned into a "party-like" atmosphere. This has occurred after mourners have complained to rabbis that visitors have come to their homes, socialized with others, and taken part in their food.

The purpose of visiting a mourner is to comfort the mourner. Visitors have an obligation to remain silent unless the mourner initiates conversation. The mourner is allowed to remain silent, and if so, this shall be respected by the visitors. Any conversation that does take place shall typically be about the deceased.

It is a mitzvah for visitors to bring prepared food to the mourner that the mourner is able to eat. The mourner is not expected or obligated to serve food to the visitors. Visitors may only eat if offered food by the mourner.

Shiva Minyan

During shiva, a minyan (usually a quorum of ten or more men; sometimes women are included) traditionally gather at the shiva home for services. The services held are identical to those at a synagogue, except that certain prayers or verses are either added or omitted. On days that the Torah is read in a synagogue, it is likewise read at the shiva home. An effort is made by the community to lend a Torah scroll to the mourner for this purpose. Kaddish is recited during the services; the mourner, if eligible, may recite kaddish.

Attendance at a shiva minyan is a mitzvah, though those attending shall make an effort not to deprive the synagogue they normally attend of a minyan

Restrictions during shiva

Those who are sitting shiva are bound by various restrictions, which are mostly rabbinically mandated and are considered customary:

• The mourner may not leave the house, with various exceptions
• The mourner must sit on a low chair
• The mourner may not wear leather shoes
• Torah study is forbidden, except for the laws of shiva, the Book of Lamentations, and the Book of Job
• The mourner may not bathe or shower for pleasure, but may wash parts of his/her body for cleanliness in a manner from which s/he does not derive pleasure.
• The mourner may not wear new or freshly-laundered clothes, or do any laundry. Clothes that are laundered during the shiva period may not be worn.
• The mourner may not cook or prepare food using heat. Others are encouraged to bring hot meals to the mourner.
• The mourner must abstain from all marital relations. If one or both members of a married couple are sitting shiva, they must live by the same restrictions as a couple in niddah.
• The mourner may not work or conduct business, even from home. There are some exceptions (see below).
• A mourner shall specifically refrain from reading or having conversation about deaths of other people during the shiva period, so his/her mind remains focused on the deceased for whom s/he is mourning, and not the deaths of others. Exceptions include deaths of other relatives (including extended ones known to the mourner).

Others residing in the shiva location, but not required to sit shiva are not bound by the restrictions, but must respect the mourner and not interfere with his/her mourning and observance of restrictions.

Keriah

A torn garment must be worn throughout the shiva period (a practice known as "keriah"; alternative spellings "keriyah", "kria"). While the minimum requirement is to tear one garment, with some minhagim, 2-3 garments are torn. The garment is worn at all times during shiva, except during Shabbat, the last few hours before Shabbat, and while the mourner is sleeping. If the garment becomes soiled during shiva, it may be cleaned as necessary in a manner different from that commonly used to clean clothes.

• The garment must be a shirt, blouse, jacket, vest, of similar that "covers the heart." The garment may not be a hat, scarf, pants, or skirt, or any other that does not cover the chest. It should be worn over a non-torn garment.
  • Many Conservative and Reform Jews will use a torn black ribbon attached by a pin to one's clothes for keriah. According to halakha followed by Orthodox Jews, this is not valid for keriah.
• A garment may not be purchased for the purpose of using it for keriah. New clothes may not be worn during mourning, forbidding such a purchase after death has occurred. If such a purchase is made while a dying person is still alive, this constitutes a preparation for death, a forbidden activity according to halakha.
• Following shiva, the garment may not be disposed of in common trash. At the very least, it must be wrapped in an isolated water-tight bag. Some have the custom of burying the garment (not in a cemetery). There is also a custom that prior to disposal, the mourner displays the garment in one's bedroom for twelve months for parents and 30 days for other relatives as a reminder of the restrictions that are in effect. This custom is not followed by many.
• Regardless, the garment may not be worn again. It may not be mended; this symbolizes that the deceased will always be missed and cannot return to life. It may not be stripped for parts (such as buttons); this is considered disrespectful.

Exceptions to shiva restrictions

Leaving the shiva house

Generally, the mourner may not leave the shiva location during the shiva period. But there are a number of exceptions:

• Leaving the house is permitted when traveling between two locations where shiva is being observed by different members of the family. When doing so, the mourner shall be accompanied by a non-mourner.
• Whenever a human life is in danger, whether that of the mourner or someone else, leaving the house to do whatever is necessary to save a life is permitted.
• The mourner may leave home to do something necessary to prevent another person from suffering, if no other person is available to do the same. This includes helping his/her own child, visiting an elderly or sick person (such as one's parent), or even helping a person outside the family.
• It is permitted to leave the house to tend to the needs of one's animals. Though if possible, others should meet the needs of the animals, if this cannot be achieved, one may feed or perform any other care necessary for one's animals.
• If the mourner has an exemption to work or conduct business, leaving the house as necessary do to so is permitted.
• If another relative for whom the mourner is required to sit shiva dies during shiva, the mourner may attend the funeral. The two shiva periods may overlap in these situations. If another person dies (such as an extended relative), a rabbi shall be consulted to determine if the mourner may attend the funeral.
• Leaving the house is permitted on Shabbat.

Work/business

Generally, one may not work or conduct business during shiva. But there are exceptions.

• One whose job duties involve saving a human life, such as a physician, nurse, or emergency medical technician may work. But if s/he feels s/he cannot competently perform job duties due to this loss, s/he is exempt from working.
• If the mourner will suffer serious economic loss from not working, a rabbi shall be consulted in each individual case. The common rules are:
  • One who earns a good living, but risks job loss or business failure if s/he misses work may attend work, taking off as much as possible to observe shiva restrictions.
  • If a mourner who will have difficulty in his/her economic survival in the event s/he misses some work, it is preferable that the community provide him/her with charitable donations. If this is not possible, or the mourner finds it too shameful or stressful to ask, s/he may work.
  • If a mourner shares a business with a partner, and the partner can operate the business alone, the partner shall run the business. The partner is entitled to keep all profits made during the time, but if the partner does not exert additional effort, and the mourner will suffer economic loss, the partner is encouraged to donate the profits to the mourner, considering it tzedaka.
  • Regardless, one who is unable to take off work for a full seven days shall at least attempt to take off for the first three days.
• A mourner who can stand the economic loss, but whose job or business serves an important role in society that cannot be missed, shall if possible have another person fill his/her role.
• A mourner may do the minimal amount of work necessary in order to assure the survival of a business, or if his/her position is important in meeting the needs of the public and no substitute can be found. This includes elected officials whose work is necessary for the citizens.
• If no exemptions are given, the mourner may not perform job duties or conduct business from home. The mourner may, however, communicate from the shiva with others to explain the situation, and to give instructions on how to handle business in his/her absence.

Restrictions continuing beyond shiva

A number of restrictions continue past the 7-day mourning period throughout shloshim, and some continue for a full year for the death of a parent

• The mourner may not enjoy most forms of entertainment.
  • The mourner must refrain from listening to live or recorded music. For the death of a parent, this restriction continues for a full year.
  • The mourner may not watch television (except for news and educational programming).
  • The mourner may not watch movies.
• Haircuts and shaving are not permitted.
• New clothes may not be worn.
• The mourner may not attend a wedding reception except for that of a close relative.

Failure to observe restrictions

Most restrictions are customary, so failure to observe them does not constitute an avera (violation of a negative commandment). But a few restrictions are biblically mandated according to Leviticus 10:6:

• A haircut may not be taken for 30 days.
• Keriah is mandated.
• Kohanim may not perform Birkat Kohanim during services throughout shloshim.

However, one who completely refuses to sit Shiva because s/he does not care about his/her deceased relative and continues to live his/her normal life during this time as if no loss has occurred has violated several commandments.^{[citation needed]} The same is true for one who intentionally dodges what s/he believes is notification of a close relative's death in order to avoid sitting Shiva.^{[citation needed]}

Delayed/withheld notification of death

In the event that due to circumstances that prevent communication, one cannot be notified of a close relative's death in a timely manner, and then one learns of a relative's death following burial, Shiva starts on the day of notification, and ends when other relatives finish Shiva. No make-up days are required.

If one learns of a relative's death more than a week following burial, s/he shall sit Shiva starting on the day of notification, if the shloshim period has not elapsed. Shiva shall be a seven-day period, unless the shloshim period ends during this time, or a Yom Tov begins.

If the shloshim period has elapsed, Shiva is not observed. But if the deceased relative is a parent, the recitation of kaddish and yearlong restrictions are in effect.

If one cannot be notified of a relative's death due to mental health deficiencies that make it impossible to comprehend the loss or physical illness that may be severely aggravated by hearing the news, notification is withheld, and the person does not sit shiva.

For exo-marriages

Some Orthodox Jews (particularly the Haredi Jews, the most theologically conservative and traditional of Orthodox Jews) "sit shiva" when a relative marries outside of the tightly-knit ethnoreligious Jewish community or if the relative decides to stop practicing Judaism. This means that they 'mourn' the person's death, even though the individual hasn't died, but rather has "married out" or left the Jewish community. It is likely that this practice has its source in an erroneous reading of an ambiguous statement regarding the behavior of Rabbenu Gershom toward his son who converted to Christianity.^[10]

References in Popular Culture

• Craig Whitney's 2008 film Harvest Home examines the story of an elderly woman trying to readjust to the world and come to terms with the death of her husband after having recently completed sitting shiva. The film contains numerous references to shiva customs, including a cloth placed over a mirror, a torn article of clothing ("keriah"), and restrictions on locking the front door or doing any cooking.

• In "Time Has Come Today", the first episode of the third season of "Grey's Anatomy", a few friends of Isobel Stevens hold Shiva, due to the loss of her fiance, Denny. It should be noted that although those participating call in "Shiva" all but one of them are not in fact, Jewish, and the only one that is does not practice Judaism, also the one being mourned is not immediate family as they are not wed, not usually a case for Shiva.. When the character mourning asks for Shiva to be explained several customs are briefly listed, such as not standing on elevated places, not eating your own food and not wearing clean clothes. This is humorous due to the fact that the character at the time of asking is laying on the floor, refusing to eat, and still wearing the clothes she learned the news in.

See also

• Bereavement in Judaism
• Chevra kadisha

References

External links

• Death and Mourning in Interfaith Families
• Sitting Shiv'ah in the Judaica Guide
• Traditional Words of Consolation
• Free info on Jewish customs related to death, mourning, Kaddish, shiva, yahrtzeit, the soul, & the afterlife

v • d • e Jewish life Birth Shalom Zachar · Brit milah · Zeved habat · Hebrew name · Pidyon haben Coming of age Upsherin · Wimpel · Bar and Bat Mitzvah · Yeshiva · Kollel Daily life Ritual washing · Prayers and blessings · Grace after Meals · Honorifics Marriage Jewish wedding · Bashert · Matchmaking · Role of women · Niddah · Mikvah · Tzniut · Divorce Religious practice 613 commandments · Customs · Torah study (Weekly portion • Daf Yomi) · Holidays · Tzedakah Religious items Sefer Torah · Tzitzit · Tallit · Tefillin · Mezuzah · Kippah · Menorah · Shofar · Four Species Death Chevra Kadisha · Shiva · Kaddish · Tehillim · Yahrtzeit · Yizkor · Honorifics Other Significance of numbers of Judaism