Shulchan Aruch/Even HaEzer/25

To make a fence, and not to engage in excessive marital relations, and how to act during marital relations

25:1

A man should accustom himself to increased holiness and pure thought and proper mindset, in order to prevent himself from stumbling in matters of illicit relations. And he should be warned against yichud (being alone with a forbidden relationship) because this is the major cause. And he should accustom himself to distance himself from levity and drink and words of lust (meaning, words of laughter and desire). And he should not remain without a wife, as this custom will lead to great purity. And more that all this, they said: He should turn himself and his thoughts to words of Torah, and broaden his mind with wisdom, so that thoughts of forbidden relations only overcome those who are empty of wisdom.

25:2

He should not become light-headed with his wife, and he should not disgrace his mouth with words of nonsense, even between him and her. As the Scripture says, “He (God) declares to man what is his thought” (Amos 4:13). The sages said: Even for light conversation between a man and his wife, in the future, judgment will be brought on him. And he should not speak with her during relations, and not beforehand, so that he will not think about another woman, and if he talks with her and has relations immediately afterwards, it is said about them, “He (God) declares to man what is his thought” (Amos 4:13). But they may speak about sexual matters, in order to increase his desire, or if there was anger between them, and he wants to convince her to reconcile, he may speak with her in order to increase her desire. Gloss: He may do with his wife whatever he wants; he may engage in relations whenever he wants, and he may kiss any body part he wants, and he may come upon her in the typical way or not in the typical way, or by way of limbs, as long as he does not waste seed (Tur). And there are those who are lenient and say that the non-typical ways are permitted even if he does spill seed, if is is done occasionally, and they do not become accustomed to it (also Tur in the name of Ri). And even though all this is permitted, he who sanctifies himself with what is permitted to him is called holy (Divrei HaRav). And he should not increase relations such that he is always found with his wife, as this is faulty and boorish, and one who limits his relations is praised, as long as he does not neglect his obligation to his wife without her consent. And even when he engages in relations in the obligatory time, he should not do so for his pleasure, but rather as someone who is fulfilling his obligation, as he is obligated at this time, and to fulfill his Creator's command to be fruitful and multiply, so that he should have children who engage in Torah and fulfill the commandments in Israel. And he must not engage in relations except with her permission, and if she is not willing, he should attempt to reconcile with her until she is willing. And he must be very modest at the time of relations. And he should not engage in relations in front of any other person, even a child, unless it is a baby who does not know how to speak.

25:3

He should not engage in relations at the beginning of the night, or at the end of the night, but rather in the middle.

25:4

It is forbidden to engage in relations in the streets, public squares, gardens and orchards, but only in a house in which people live, in order not to appear immoral to others and not to accustom oneself to immorality. Someone who engages inrelations in these places is liable lashes of disobdience.

25:5

It is forbidden for a person to engage in relations in front of a lit candle, even if they are covered with a garment. If it is Shabbos, he does not have another house, and the candle is lit, he should not engage in relations at all. Similarly, it is forbidden to engage in relations during the daytime for it is a testimony to him (also see Orach Chaim 240:11 and 315:1).

25:6

25:7

A guest should not engage in relations until he comes back home.

25:8

He should not engage in relations if his wife is hated by him. Similarly, if he made up in his heart to divorce her, even though she not hated by him, he should not engage in relations with her.

25:9

They should not engage in relations when either he or she is drunk.

25:10

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