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Sibling rivalry

 
Sci-Tech Dictionary: sibling rivalry
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(′sib·liŋ ′rī·vəl·rē)

(psychology) Competition between siblings for parental love, or for some other recognition.

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Children's Health Encyclopedia: Sibling Rivalry
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Definition

Sibling rivalry is antagonism between brothers and/or sisters that results in physical fighting, verbal hostility, teasing, or bullying.

Description

Psychologists believe that sibling rivalry comes from competition for parental attention, love, and approval. The amount of conflict depends on the perception of parents about the role of each child in the family, the personalities of the parents and children, the number and spacing of children in the family, outside resources available to the children, and parental beliefs about child rearing, including their attitudes toward gender, birth order, and competition. Sibling rivalry is also affected by the presence in the family of a special needs child, divorce or other family trauma, and ethnic and cultural attitudes toward family relationships.

Studies suggest that sister/sister relationships are the least competitive and hostile while brother/brother relationships, especially when brothers are close in age, are the most hostile and competitive. However, this is a generalization that does not apply in many specific instances. Some psychologists believe that moderate levels of sibling rivalry can help children learn to share, compromise, and negotiate with others.

Infancy

The birth of a new baby in the family often creates jealousy and distress for older children. Not only does a new baby increase the number children that must share parental attention, newborns are inordinately time consuming, leaving older children to feel they have been displaced and abandoned. Mothers often are exhausted and sometimes depressed after the birth of a child. While in the hospital and immediately after the birth, they may withdraw from their older children to care for the newborn, leaving day-to-day care taking of the other children to friends, relatives, or hired caregivers. Friends and other family members tend to focus on the newborn, further displacing older children. If the new baby is born with special needs, the time and energy spent focusing on the new sibling may be quite extensive.

Toddlers may react to a new baby by reverting to younger behaviors in an attempt to gain parental attention. For example, a toddler who is toilet trained may start having accidents in his or her pants. Verbal toddlers may express their disgust with the new sibling by asking, "Isn't it time to send him back?" Others may pinch and poke the new baby. Older children may become more difficult, temperamental, and uncooperative, as they see their role in the family changing. Although responses like these are, within reason, normal, they challenge parents and create conflict within the family.

Parents can help their other children prepare for the arrival of a new sibling by reading books to them about babies and involving them in preparations for their new sibling. After the child is born, in a two-parent family, the father can step in and spend extra time with older siblings, taking some of the pressure off the relationship between the mother and her older children. Many children feel more connected to their new sibling if they are given some specific age-appropriate task that helps to care for the baby.

Toddlerhood

Toddlers are active, curious people who are beginning to explore both their physical and social world. As noted above, they may respond to the birth of a new sibling by reverting to more childish behaviors. Toddlers are developing a sense of themselves as individuals and pushing the limits of their physical abilities. This testing and accompanying frustration often manifests itself in tantrums and other socially unacceptable behaviors such as an unwillingness to share toys. Since toddlers usually lack the ability to perceive the needs and desires of others and do not have the verbal capacity to express their emotions or abstract thoughts, sibling rivalry at this age usually takes the form of physical aggression.

Toddlers who are working out social boundaries may take toys from others or refuse to share or take turns. They may go through a stage of wanting whatever a sibling has, even if the moment they get it, they no longer want it. This can be a normal, if not socially desirable, stage of development. However, it creates friction with older siblings that often degenerates into kicking, hitting, punching, pinching, and even biting.

Parents need to intervene when sibling rivalry becomes physical. Younger toddlers can sometimes be distracted, but older ones need to be separated and given a break from each other. Many experts recommend punishing both children rather than becoming involved in trying to figure out who was "right" and who was "wrong."

Preschool

Preschool children are more verbal than toddlers, and much of their hostility toward siblings takes the form of name calling, verbal abuse, and teasing. Parents need to set limits on what is acceptable. Another source of sibling conflict at this age is the preschooler's desire to be part of his older siblings friendships. Although it may be easier for parents to tell their older child to include the younger one, this often intensifies the older child's hostility toward the younger one. Parents should be alert to the need to protect each child's personal possessions and friendships.

School Age

Sibling rivalry can and often does continue into adulthood. By the time children reach school age, the level of sibling rivalry is affected by family attitude toward competition, ethnic and cultural attitudes, comparisons of siblings by teachers and coaches, the family's expectations for each child in the family, and their method of applying "fairness" in their relationships with their children. Hostility can take the form of physical or verbal fighting, invading each other's privacy, or destroying each other's possessions.

At this age, children often begin to carve out their own area in which to excel. One child may concentrate on soccer while another concentrates on music and a third on schoolwork. This differentiation can help reduce competition and sibling rivalry. Parents can reduce the level of sibling rivalry by supporting each child's interest with an equal investment of enthusiasm and time. At this age, the approval and support of individuals outside the family also plays a role in reducing sibling rivalry. Resentment and hostility can be increased when parents insist that all children in the family do the same activities all the time, always include each other in their play and friendships, and put older children in charge of younger ones for long periods on a regular basis.

Common Problems

The presence of a special needs child who dominates the parents' attention can add to increased resentment and rivalry. Other common problems include assuming that the older child is always at fault in sibling fights, giving each child a label such as "the smart one" or "the wild one," that suggest one child is "good" and another is "bad," reinforcing cultural attitudes that place a higher value on sons than daughters and on first children rather than later children, and overprotecting younger children or children who are perceived as weaker than their siblings. Single parents may face an especially difficult time balancing the needs of their children in ways that reduce rivalry simply because they are the only adult in the family.

Parental Concerns

Parents often worry about preferring one child over another and being fair to all their children. In reality, parents may love their children equally but find at different times in their development some of their children are more likeable and easier to get along with than others. Parents can help reduce sibling rivalry by following these steps:

  • working to see each child as a unique individual with his or her own strengths and weaknesses
  • spending some one-on-one time with each child every week
  • encouraging children to develop their own interests and friends independent of the interests and friends of their siblings
  • limiting the amount of care giving expected of older siblings for younger ones
  • setting and enforcing firm rules about name calling, teasing, and physical aggression in the family
  • praising cooperative behavior
  • insisting that each child's personal possessions and privacy are respected by the other children in the family

When to Call the Doctor

Parents may wish to consult their pediatrician, a child and adolescent psychologist, or a family therapist if any of the following occurs:

  • Serious attempts at reducing sibling rivalry have failed.
  • Siblings physically harm each other.
  • Siblings constantly tease and belittle or bully each other.
  • One or more children in the family seem to have other behavioral problems at home or school.
  • Siblings gang up on one child in the family.
  • The level of sibling rivalry appears to be destructive to any member of the family.

Resources

Books

Borden, Marian Elderman. The Baffled Parent's Guide to Sibling Rivalry. New York: McGraw-Hill, 2003.

Goldenthal, Peter. Beyond Sibling Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Become Cooperative, Caring, and Compassionate. New York: Henry Holt & Co., 2000.

Hart, Sybil. Preventing Sibling Rivalry: Six Strategies to Build a Jealousy-Free Home. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2001.

Sparrow, Joshua, et al. Understanding Sibling Rivalry: The Brazelton Way. Boulder, CO: Da Capo Press, 2005.

Thomas, Pat. My Brother, My Sister, and Me: A First Look at Sibling Rivalry. New York: Barrow's Educational Series, 2000.

Organizations

American Academy of Pediatrics. 141 Northwest Point Boulevard, Elk Grove Village, IL 60007-1098 Web site: www.aap.org.

Web Sites

"Sibling Rivalry." Available online at (accessed November 14, 2004).

[Article by: Tish Davidson, A.M.]


Wikipedia: Sibling rivalry
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For other uses, see Sibling rivalry (disambiguation).
Portrait of Lady Cockburn and her Three Eldest Sons , by Joshua Reynolds.

Sibling rivalry is a type of competition or animosity among brothers and sisters, blood-related or not.

82% of people in Western countries have at least one sibling, and siblings generally spend more time together during childhood than they do with parents. The sibling bond is often complicated and is influenced by factors such as parental treatment, birth order, personality, and people and experiences outside the family. [1] According to child psychologist Sylvia Rimm, sibling rivalry is particularly intense when children are very close in age and of the same gender, or where one child is intellectually gifted.[2]

Sibling rivalry is not unique to Western culture. For example, there is an Arabic saying: "I against my brother; my brother and I against my cousin; I, my brother, and my cousin against the stranger".

Sibling rivalry can involve aggression; however, it is not the same as sibling abuse where one child victimizes another.

Contents

Throughout the lifespan

From a young age, children are sensitive to differences in parental treatment.

Sibling rivalry usually starts right before or soon after the arrival of the second child. Sometimes it doesn't start until later in the sibling relationship. The older child can become aggressive, “act out”, or regress (act more like a baby). Research indicates that the older child’s personality has the most effect on how they react to a new baby. Children with the closest relationships to their mothers show the most upset after the baby is born, while those with a close relationship to their father seem to adjust better. The child’s developmental stage may affect how well they can share their parents’ attention. Often two-year-olds have trouble adapting to a new baby, because they still have a great need for time and closeness from their parents. [3]

According to observational studies by Judy Dunn, children are sensitive from the age of one year to differences in parental treatment. From 18 months on siblings can understand family rules and know how to comfort and hurt each other. By three years old, children have a sophisticated grasp of social rules, can evaluate themselves in relation to their siblings, and know how to adapt to circumstances within the family. [1]

Sibling rivalry often continues throughout childhood and can be very frustrating and stressful to parents. [4] Adolescents fight for the same reasons younger children fight, but they are better equipped physically and intellectually to hurt and be hurt by each other. Physical and emotional changes cause pressures in the teenage years, as do changing relationships with parents and friends. Fighting with siblings as a way to get parental attention may increase in adolescence. [5] One study found that the age group 10 to 15 reported the highest level of competition between siblings [6]

Sibling rivalry can continue into adulthood and sibling relationships can change dramatically over the years. Events such as a parent’s illness may bring siblings closer together, whereas marriage may drive them apart, particularly if the in-law relationship is strained. Approximately one-third of adults describe their relationship with siblings as rivalrous or distant. However, rivalry often lessens over time. Sibling rivalry during youth will more often than not, result in siblings having a closer bond to each other in adulthood than siblings who experience no rivalry. At least 80 percent of siblings over age 60 enjoy close ties. [1]

Causes

According to Kyla Boyse from the University of Michigan, each child in a family competes to define who they are as individuals and want to show that they are separate from their siblings. Children may feel they are getting unequal amounts of their parents’ attention, discipline, and responsiveness. Children fight more in families where there is no understanding that fighting is not an acceptable way to resolve conflicts, and no alternative ways of handling such conflicts. Stress in the parents’ and children’s lives can create more conflict and increase sibling rivalry. [4]

Psychoanalytic view

Sigmund Freud saw the sibling relationship as an extension of the Oedipus complex, where brothers were in competition for their mother's attention and sisters for their fathers. [7] For example, in the case of Little Hans, Freud postulated that the young boy's fear of horses was related to jealousy of his baby sister, as well as the boy's desire to replace his father as his mother's mate.

Alfred Adler saw siblings as "striving for significance" within the family and felt that birth order was an important aspect of personality development.

David Levy introduced the term "sibling rivalry" in 1941, claiming that for an older sibling "the aggressive response to the new baby is so typical that it is safe to say it is a common feature of family life."[8]

Evolutionary psychology view

Evolutionary psychologists such as Robert Trivers and biologists such as W. D. Hamilton explain sibling rivalry in terms of parental investment and kin selection. A parent shares 50% of her genes with each child, and is inclined to spread resources equally among all children in the family. However, a child shares 50% of his genes with a sibling but 100% with himself; so if the relationship follows Hamilton's rule, he should only share resources if the benefit to the sibling is greater than twice the benefit to himself (this is not a conscious calculation, but a genetic coding that unconsciously guides the behavior). So parents try to encourage their children to share, but often meet resistance. Children have motivation to feel both positively and negatively towards brothers and sisters, which may explain the mixed feelings that siblings sometimes have towards each other.[6]

Prevention

Parents can reduce the opportunity for rivalry by refusing to compare or typecast their children, teaching the children positive ways to get attention from each other and from the parent, planning fun family activities together, and making sure each child has enough time and space of their own. [4] They can also give each child individual attention, encourage teamwork, refuse to hold up one child as a role model for the others, and avoid favoritism. [9]

However, according to Sylvia Rimm, although sibling rivalry can be reduced it is unlikely to be entirely eliminated. In moderate doses, rivalry may be a healthy indication that each child is assertive enough to express his or her differences with other siblings. [2]

Animals

Sibling rivalry is common among various animal species, in the form of competition for food and parental attention. An extreme type of sibling rivalry occurs when young animals kill their siblings. For example, a black eagle mother lays two eggs, and the first-hatched chick pecks the younger one to death within the first few days. Among spotted hyenas, sibling competition begins as soon as the second pup is born, and 25% of pups are killed by their siblings. [10] (see: Siblicide)

Sibling relationships in animals are not always competitive. For example, among wolves, older siblings help to feed and guard the young.[11]

Famous sibling rivalry instances

Cain leads Abel to Death, by James Tissot.

In the Bible

The story of Cain and Abel tells of one brother's jealousy after God appeared to favour his sibling, and the jealousy ultimately leads to murder. Jacob tricks his brother Esau out of his inheritance; sisters Leah and Rachel compete for the love of Jacob; while Joseph's brothers are so jealous that they effectively sell him into slavery.

In literature

A number of Shakespeare's plays display incidences of sibling rivalry. King Lear provokes rivalry among his three daughters by asking them to describe their love for him; in the same play, Edmund contrives to force his half-brother Edgar into exile. In The Taming of the Shrew, sisters Kate and Bianca are shown fighting bitterly. In Richard III, the title character is at least partially motivated by rivalry with his brother, King Edward. In As You Like It, there is obvious sibling rivalry and antagonism between Orlando and Oliver, and also between Duke Frederick and Duke Senior.

In East of Eden (John Steinbeck) the brothers Cal and Aron Trask are counterparts to Cain and Abel of the bible story.

In film and television

Sibling rivalry is a common theme in media that features child characters, reflecting the importance of this issue in early life. These issues can include jealousy on the birth of a new baby, different sibling roles such as troublemaker versus nerd (Bart and Lisa Simpson in The Simpsons), frequent arguments (Malcolm and Reese Wilkerson in Malcolm in the Middle; Doug and Judy Funnie in Doug) (Linus and Lucy van Pelt in Peanuts), competitiveness for mother's affection (Phil and Lil in Rugrats), and tensions between step-siblings (The Brady Bunch, Drake & Josh, Life With Derek).

Adult siblings can also be portrayed with a rivalrous relationship, often a continuation of childhood conflicts. Situation comedies exploit this to comic effect (for example, Ross and Monica Geller in Friends, Raymond and Robert Barone in Everybody Loves Raymond). Sibling relationships may be shown as alternately loving and argumentative (Rose and Maggie in In Her Shoes, Sam and Dean Winchester in Supernatural). Brothers or sisters in a similar line of work may display professional rivalry (Frasier and Niles Crane in Frasier). In serious drama, conflict between siblings can be fatal (Michael and Fredo Corleone in The Godfather).

Real life siblings in the media

Occasionally real-life instances of sibling rivalry are publicized in the mass media. Siblings who play the same sport will often be compared with each other; for example, American football players Peyton and Eli Manning, or tennis players Venus and Serena Williams. Musicians Liam and Noel Gallagher of Oasis are portrayed as having a turbulent relationship, similar to that of Ray and Dave Davies of The Kinks.

Actresses Olivia de Havilland and Joan Fontaine had an uneasy relationship from childhood and in 1975 the sisters stopped speaking to each other completely. [12] The rivalry between singers Lata Mangeshkar and Asha Bhosle is often talked about in the Indian media, in spite of their insistence that these are just tales.[13] Twin sisters and advice columnists Ann Landers and Abigail Van Buren had a relationship that was alternately very close and publicly antagonistic. [14] Journalists Christopher and Peter Hitchens have had many public disagreements and at least one protracted falling-out due to their differing political and religious views. [15] Singing siblings Michael and Janet Jackson, are often compared as well as the rest of the Jackson family.

See also

References

  1. ^ a b c Adult Sibling Rivalry Jane Mersky Leder, Psychology Today, Publication Date: Jan/Feb 93, Last Reviewed: 30 Aug 2004
  2. ^ a b The Effects of Sibling Competition Syliva B. Rimm, Educational Assessment Service, 2002.
  3. ^ New Baby Sibling University of Michigan Health System, June 2008
  4. ^ a b c Sibling Rivalry University of Michigan Health System, June 2009
  5. ^ Living With Your Teenager: Dealing With Sibling Rivalry Donna Rae Jacobson, North Dakota State University, July 1995
  6. ^ a b Sibling Rivalry in Degree and Dimensions Across the Lifespan Annie McNerney and Joy Usner, 30 April 2001.
  7. ^ Freud Lecture: Juliet Mitchell, 2003
  8. ^ The Hostile Act David M. Levy (1941) First published in Psychological Review, 48, 356-361.
  9. ^ Center for Effective Parenting Arkansas State Parent Information & Resource Center
  10. ^ Birth Order, Sibling Competition, and Human Behavior Frank J Sulloway
  11. ^ Mothers and Others Sarah Blaffer Hrdy, Natural History Magazine, May 2001.
  12. ^ Higham, Charles. Sisters: The Story of Olivia De Haviland and Joan Fontaine. Coward McCann, May 1984, 257 pages.
  13. ^ Jitesh Pillaai (July 31, 2005). "Notes to Myself (An interview with Asha Bhosle)". Times Life, The Times of India, Mumbai (The Times Group): p. 43. http://epaperdaily.timesofindia.com/Repository/ml.asp?Ref=VE9JTS8yMDA1LzA3LzMxI0FyMDQzMDA=&Mode=HTML&Locale=english-skin-custom. Retrieved 2007-09-08. 
  14. ^ Ann Landers (1918-2002) by Robin Judd, Jewish Virtual Library. Accessed online June 21, 2007.
  15. ^ James Macintyre, The Hitchens brothers: Anatomy of a row, The Independent, 2007-06-11, accessed 2007-06-11

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