Engraving of James Kirke Paulding. Library of Congress, Washington, D.C.
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by James Kirke Paulding, 1835
The nickname "Uncle Sam" seems to have originated during the War of 1812, and probably derived from the initials "U.S." stamped on the uniforms and provisions of the United States Army. In any event James Kirke Paulding used the nickname in a fable, The Diverting History of John Bull and Brother Jonathan. John Bull (the common nickname for Englishmen or England) had a son, Brother Jonathan (colonial America), who when grown and independent became known as Uncle Sam (the United States). In a new edition of The Diverting History published in 1835, Paulding brought the life of Uncle Sam and his quarreling children (the states) up to date. The following selection, taken from a supplement to the new edition, is concerned with the sectional conflicts that arose over internal improvements and the tariff in the 1830s.
Once upon a time there lived, and lives still, in a country lying far to the west, a famous squire, rich in lands and paper money. Report made him out to be the son of John Bull, who everyone knows has children in all parts of the world. But, if the truth were known, I believe he had a great many fathers, though his mother was a very honest woman, for he looked like as many people as there were hairs on his chin. But old Squire Bull had the credit of being his father, and truly there was a great likeness between them. Like Bull, he was somewhat given to boasting, tippling, fighting, and sailing boats; and was apt to hold his neighbors in contempt, dubbing them a pack of sniveling, pitiful rascals that did not dare to call their souls their own, or look their king in the face, as every cat had a right to do. He took after his father in another respect; that is to say, nobody could tell which he was most fond of, making money like a horse or spending it like an ass. But for all this he did not so much favor John Bull but that you could now and then catch an expression in his face that put you in mind of everybody you had ever seen in the world.
John Bull had christened this son of his by the name of Jonathan; but by and by, when he became a man grown, being a good, hearty fellow, about half horse, half alligator, his friends and neighbors gave him the nickname of Uncle Sam; a sure sign that they liked him, for I never knew a respectable nickname given to a scurvy fellow in my life. Be this as it may, his family and all his neighbors at last came to call him nothing else but Uncle Sam; and all his beef, pork, and flour, in fact everything that belonged to him, was marked with a huge U.S., six inches long. ...
You may suppose Uncle Sam had but little to begin with; but he was a stirring blade who did not mind trouble at first, if he could only see his way clear to something better in the end. He set himself to the business of clearing and selling new lands. As fast as he became pretty comfortable in one farm, he sold out at a profit and set off for another; so that he was seldom or ever more than two or three years in the same place. But for all this he never lost sight of the main chance; for there was nothing on the face of the earth he loved so dearly as a bargain or a profitable speculation. By good management and good luck he at last got to have a vast property in lands, which he was everyday adding to by buying out the Indians, or taking farms for debts that were owing him. In short, he prospered in all his undertakings, and became, in process of time, a great man among his neighbors.
But to my mind he was not above half as clever a fellow as when he was poor. Then he was a jolly, careless, high-minded dog - generous as a prince and hospitable as a Turk. He would swear a little at times, but he never meant any harm by it. But as he got rich, he set himself to be mighty genteel; aped the manners of all the would-be fashionable stragglers that came that way; never invited anybody to his house except to show off his new finery; and left off all his honest old habits by little and little.
The fact is, and I don't care who knows it, he took to canting, and turned the embroidered side of his jacket outward, as a Turk does when he goes to court. Many people doubted whether he was anything the better for this; and, if I must speak my mind, I think he lost more than he gained; for, as respects myself, I had rather a man should swear and drink punch a little than pick my pocket while he is canting about brotherly love and goodwill to all men. If Uncle Sam is angry at this, let him scratch his back and get pleased again.
As Uncle Sam got rich, and withal stout and hearty as a young giant, the neighboring gentry, who called him an upstart and looked askance at his prosperity, would shake their heads very wisely and cry out, "Ah! poor man, to be sure he looks well and hearty; but anybody can see with half an eye he is not long for this world." And then they would sigh and take a pinch of snuff to the success of their prognostications. But it happened somehow or other that every attack he had and every rub he met with only served to show the strength of his constitution, and make it still stronger, until at last these false prophets began to say to themselves, "The rogue will certainly last forever."
Now I don't pretend to say this would have been the case, seeing there is an end of all things; but I verily believe he would have lived to a happy and green old age had it not been for the undutiful behavior of his children, which made his latter days one scene of trouble and turmoil.
You must know that as soon as Uncle Sam thought himself able to maintain a family comfortably he got him a wife, who proved an excellent housekeeper; and in the course of twice as many years his children amounted to four-and-twenty - all jolly, strapping, roistering blades, with the exception of two or three that were rather stunted in the growth, or, as Uncle Sam used to say in joke, "shrunk in the boiling." These last were rather conceited and jealous, as most little people I believe are.
As fast as these lads grew up, Uncle Sam portioned them off on his farms, which they were to pay for when they were able, at very low prices. They all turned out pretty clever, industrious fellows, with the exception of here and there one who was rather lazy, and got all his work done by Negroes. They all differed in some respects; but there was a family likeness among them - all took after the mother, who was a pretty considerable particular talker. One was a famous fellow for cod fishing; another a great hand at splitting shingles; a third was an amateur of roadmaking and ditching; a fourth was mighty fond of barbecues, taking after his father in that particular; a fifth dealt largely in wooden bowls and onions; a sixth was a great cultivator of rice and cotton; a seventh was a pretty high-handed fellow, fond of a good horse, and of an independent, openhearted spirit; and so on. They all lived together like loving brothers, having a rich father who could do what he pleased with his money - that is to say, they were as jealous of each other as two cocks running in the same yard.
If Uncle Sam made a Christmas present to one, or conferred a particular kindness on another, there was the deuce to pay among the rest. They accused the old man of being more partial to one than the other, and never gave him any rest till he put them all on a level; which he had no sooner done then they, one and all, began to grumble and find fault, saying the poor man was in his dotage only because he had not given each one a preference over his brother. Uncle Sam sometimes said to himself, "Happy is the man who has nothing to give away, for his children won't quarrel about his estate."
But this was not the worst of it. The old Harry got into them about improving their farms, which they all swore was Uncle Sam's business; he was devouring all the money they could rake and scrape together to pay for the lands he had sold them. They said it was a sin and a shame for him to make them pay everything, seeing they were his natural-born children, entitled to bed, board, education, and an outfit. Besides, the old man was now become so rich he did not know what to do with his money, and it was actually a kindness to rid him of its management in his old age.
Thus these cunning varlets agreed in the propriety of sharing Uncle Sam's money, but they fell out about the manner of dividing it, like a parcel of undutiful rogues as they were. The big fellows argued that they ought to share according to weight, and insisted they should all go down to the mill and be weighed. But the little fellows who had been "shrunk in the boiling" demurred to this, and swore it was all in my eye, Betty Martin. They were as much the lawful sons of Uncle Sam as the best and biggest of them, and were determined to have their share at the point of the bayonet.
There was one little fellow particularly, who lived on an island about as big as my thumbnail, who talked like a giant and threatened to dissolve the family union and set up for himself if they did not treat him like a full-grown man. They had a great many hard bouts at words, and some of the neighbors feared they would come together by the ears. But though they quarreled like so many old women, like old women they seldom came to blows. They had a sort of sneaking kindness for one another at the bottom, which always prevented their proceeding to extremities.
But for all this they were forever falling out about nothing, or some trifle next to nothing, and never gave each other a good word except when they all put their heads together, as they often did, to diddle Uncle Sam out of a few thousands for the improvement of their farms. Fortunately, however, for the old man's pocket, it was seldom they could agree about the division of the spoils, or it would not have been long before he was as poor as a rat.
Be this as it may, the good man had no peace of his life, and was several times on the point of making over all his property to build meetinghouses and educate the children of other people. Certain it is he had good reason to do so, for these undutiful boys left him no rest day or night on account of his money. Not being able to agree to the plan of dividing Uncle Sam's surplus income according to weight, it was proposed to do it by measure; but here again the little fellows that were "shrunk in the boiling" made a most infernal rout, and opposed it tooth and nail. They swore they were as good as the big fellows any day in the week and as much the sons of Uncle Sam as the others; and they insisted that the apportionment should be made according to merit, not weight or size.
They all agreed to this, and the matter was just on the point of being amicably settled had it not been for a trifling difficulty which occurred in adjusting the scale of merit. The roistering barbecue fellow swore he was equal to any man you could throw a stick at; the splitter of shingles maintained the superiority of his art; the young squire, who was fond of riding a fine horse and doing nothing, declared he considered himself the most of a gentleman; the raisers of rice and cotton claimed precedence on the score of administering both to the back and stomach; and the little fellow that lived on his island put in his claim on the score of morality. This would not do, and so the old man escaped being plundered this time.
But these fine boys had another iron in the fire, which they heated till it was red hot. Quoth one of the cunning varlets, I believe it was the barbecue chap, "Let us set about improving our farms, and make the old boy pay the piper"; upon which they all agreed, and set up a hurrah about internal improvement, which used in old times to be considered improvement of mind and morals, but now means digging ditches, pulling up snags, and making roads through the desert.
Upon this, one of them went and set up a loom in his back building, as he said, for the encouragement of domestic industry, and hired other people to come and tend it. When he had done this, he went to Uncle Sam and insisted he should give him a handful or two of money to encourage him in such patriotic and praiseworthy undertakings.
"Stop, there, my little fellow," cried the biggest brother of all, who had a fist like a sledge hammer, "stop, if you please. I have set up my looms at my own expense; and I'll be switch'd if the old man is going to pay you for doing what I have done for myself."
Then another chap of the family set up a blacksmith shop for making hobnails, and made the same claim to touch a few thousands of the old gentlemen's money for the encouragement of domestic industry, which about this time began to be very low-spirited, and wanted a little patting.
"Avast, there, you landlubber," exclaimed one of the brothers, a bold, hearty Jack tar who had sailed round and round the world and was a mighty navigator. "Avast, there, none of your freshwater gabble. I should like to know the reason why you should be paid for making hobnails any more than I am for building ships. Avast, there, I say, you lubber, or I'll be foul of your dead lights."
Next came another brother, who was a great hand at raising sheep, which he called being a wool grower, to demand that as people could not exist without clothes, Uncle Sam should shell out a few dollars to reward him for being a great public benefactor.
"Fudge!" exclaimed the cotton growing brother, "where one man is clothed in wool, a thousand wear cotton. Why not encourage me, then, instead of this wooly fellow? Away with your bleating, or I'll be into your mutton before you can say Jack Robinson."
Next came a sober, sedate, economical brother, who had set up a shoe shop and wanted Uncle Sam's protection - that is to say, some of his money.
"Rot your sole," cried the high-handed gentleman, who despised hard work and had rather ride a blood horse than make his own shoes a thousand times. "What are you talking about there? It's mighty natural, to be sure, that you should be asking encouragement for making shoes. If it were horseshoes now, I'd talk to you." So saying, he mounted his horse and challenged Uncle Sam to run a race for a thousand dollars.
After this, for there was no end of their persecution of the poor old man. After this came another brother, a great mechanical genius who had invented a machine for peeling apples, and wanted encouragement of Uncle Sam for the great saving of time and labor in making apple pies.
"Whoo! whoo! whoop!" cried the wild, harem-scarem, barbecue boy, one of Uncle Sam's youngest sons, who had just settled a town away off West and had not yet thrown off his moccasins; "Whoop! mister, mind which way you point your rifle there - I can turn a flip-flap somerset, grease your head with bear's meat, and swallow you whole without a pang. You'd better take `keer how you steer your steamboat, or you'll run foul of a snag."
By and by came another of this hopeful family, with a long story of the great advantage Uncle Sam would derive from clearing out a ditch, at his own expense, for the benefit of other people.
Here, the great big fellow mentioned before, who was the richest of the brothers, put in his oar and cried out: "None of that fun, Brother Johathan; I've done all my own ditching myself, and I'll be tetotally ramswisled if I am going to let daddy pay you for what I did all myself. Dig your own ditches, my boy, as I have done."
Then came a fine fellow, one of the young fry, who wanted to persuade Uncle Sam to pony up for a lane he was about making from his barn to his bog meadow, which he assured the old man would be a vast public improvement; for that, whereas his carts stuck in the mud now, they would be able to get along like a streak of lightning as soon as the improvement was made.
"Thunder and blarney!" exclaimed three or four of the elder brothers all at once, "haven't we made our own roads at our own cost and without asking daddy for a cent; and do you think, you sniveling blockhead, we'll stand by and see the old man cheated out of what belongs to us?"
"Goody gracious!" at length cried Uncle Sam, throwing up his eyes, "goody gracious! What can be the matter with these boys? I believe they mean to eat me up alive! I wish - I wish I was as poor as Job's turkey."
Now all that was required for Uncle Sam to be just as he wished was to let the boys have all his money as they wanted to do. But what is very remarkable, he never thought of this, and continued wishing himself poor, without once hitting on the best possible way of becoming so.
Things went on, getting worse and worse, for some time afterward. Uncle Sam was almost everyday pestered for money to pay for some improvement or other in the boys' farms. He kept an account of these and the amount they would cost, and found that it would take all he was worth in the world, and more besides, to get through with half of them. So one day he put his hands in his breeches pockets and swore roundly they were a brood of ungrateful rogues that wanted to get him on the parish, and not another penny would he pony up for man or beast.
This raised a terrible hue and cry among the boys, who threatened to disinherit the old man and set up for themselves. But he was a pretty stiff old fellow when his pluck was up, and he thought himself in the right. You might as well try to move a mountain as Uncle Sam when he put his foot down and toed the mark. He told the boys he had honest debts to pay, and meant to pay every penny he owed in the world before he began to talk about laying out money in improvements.
These graceless young rogues were a little stumped at the stand Uncle Sam had taken, and began to plot together to turn the old man out of house and home, and take possession of all his estate as soon as they could bring matters to bear. Accordingly, they went about among their neighbors and people, insinuating that the old man was in his dotage and could not manage his affairs any longer. It was high time, they said, that he should give up his estates into their hands and set about preparing for a better world. They raised all sorts of stories against him, as how he did not care any more about the law or the gospel than a pagan; how he tucked up people just for the pleasure of seeing them kick their heels in the air; and how he threatened to cut off the ears of a member of Congress only because he told stories about him.
In this way these roistering boys raised a great clamor against Uncle Sam, which emboldened them at last to hatch a diabolical plan for taking away all his lands at one blow. ...
Not finding any law for this, they determined to get one passed for the purpose; accordingly they went among the people and told them a hundred cock-and-bull stories about this, that, and the other thing. They swore the land of right belonged to them when they came of age according to an old settlement which declared that Uncle Sam's children should all share his estates equally after his death. But they kept the last part to themselves, as you may suppose, and pretended that they had a right to take the old man's property while he was alive. Besides, they would say, the poor old gentleman don't know what to do with so much land; half of it lies waste for want of proper attention, and if we only had it, we would make it ten times more valuable and pay the taxes, which he is exempted from by virtue of an old charter.
The notion of getting money by taxation is a bait which generally takes with people whose business is lawmaking, not tax paying, as I have always heard. So the legislature which governed where Uncle Sam's property lay, rubbed their hands and were mightily tickled with the notion of being able to squeeze a little money from Uncle Sam's new lands. Perceiving this argument told, the boys hatched another notion about Uncle Sam receiving all the money for the lands he sold, and then forcing those who bought them to work their fingers to the bone to make themselves whole again, as if this were not the way all over the world.
Uncle Sam defended his bacon to the last, like a stout old hero as he was; but by degrees the influence of these ungrateful rogues prevailed, and a law was passed taking away all his property, dividing it equally among the boys, so that those who were "shrunk in the boiling" got the same portion as the big, roistering blades, who, rather than not come in for a slice, consented at last to share and share equally. They were all specially enjoined to take care of Uncle Sam, and see that he wanted for nothing; but the poor old man fared pretty much as people generally do who make over all their property to their children in their lifetime.
At first they treated him pretty well, for decency's sake; but by degrees they began to deprive him of all his usual comforts. First they took away his pipe, because the young madams the sons had married could not bear tobacco smoke. Then the eldest boy took possession of his armchair and his seat in the chimney corner. Next they took the blankets from his bed, because, they said, it would injure his health to lie too warm; and next they all but starved him to death for fear he should die of apoplexy. Finally, losing all respect for the ties of blood, and all recollection of the early benefits they had derived from the good old man, they fairly turned him out-of-doors. The last I heard of Uncle Sam he was in the poorhouse.
SourceThe Diverting History of John Bull and Brother Jonathan, New edition, New York, 1835, pp. 177-193: "The History of Uncle Sam and His Boys."
