How do it live with an abusive stepdaughter?

Answer 1

Hi,

I have an abusive stepdaughter. She's 27 now and lives three time zones away, on the other side of the continent. Yeah! While she was a child/teen, she was very abusive to me--lying, stealing, manipulating, assaulting...not letting me sleep, not respecting any normal boundaries, treating me like a servant, etc., etc.

So: how to deal with such a creature.

1. Don't suck up or try to win her over. You've already done this, right? It hasn't worked, has it?

2. Give consequences for behavior and no second chances. You aren't the bio parent, so maybe you can't discipline this girl the way you'd like to. But you can say, "I don't feel like watching this tv show with you right now, because your behavior just now was pretty abusive."

3. Model responsible behavior. Apologize when you're wrong, treat others well.

4. Don't let this girl come between you and your spouse. Okay, she already has, right? And she plays your spouse, right? You need to set some limits about this.

5. Your spouse isn't "between" darling daughter and you. Your spouse has a clear duty toward darling daughter: discipline her. This duty exists irrespective of your existence. Daughter's behavior is a problem of her no-doubt spoiled personality--again, a problem irrespective of your existence.

6. Don't ever act as if you're to blame.

7. Create or enhance your support system.

8. When the stepdaughter's around, spend some of that time with YOUR friends or family. If you're isolated right now, go out and do something with a club or church. Just get out and be with people who treat you right.

9. Spend quality time with your spouse away from the stepdaughter.

10. Make sure your spouse spends time alone with the stepdaughter. This is an easy one!

11. Take really, really good care of yourself. Eat well, get enough sleep, dress nicely, groom yourself, exercise daily.

12. Try to have a good time with the stepdaughter, just you and her together. If she's abusive, however, disengage.