These are the 10-step instructions on How to Eat a Ham Sandwich:
1) Remove sandwich from plate with both hands and bring close to face.
2) Survey said sandwich for the most appetizing bite. (Personally I like corners, but others I know like to go straight for the middle.)
3) Open mouth and insert sandwich.
4) Bite down hard enough to chew through all layers while simultaneously withdrawing sandwich away from face. This is to allow adequate airflow while chewing. (Trust me, unobstructed breathing is quite important to fully enjoy the ham sandwich eating experience.)
5) Chew all sandwich ingredients thoroughly. (Note: It is rumored that the medical community recommends 32 times each bite so as to improve digestion.)
6) Swallow and place sandwich again on plate to rest briefly.
7) Partake in a sip of a refreshing beverage, if necessary or desired. If not, then proceed to step 8.
8) Meditate briefly on the flavors you just experienced and take one deep breath.
9) Repeat steps 1 - 8 until sandwich disappears
10) Make another sandwich if necessary and repeat steps 1 - 10 until your bodily organs no longer haunt you with the phrase 'one more bite'.
Finally, pause for a brief moment of silence to give thanks to the hard-working ranchers and farmers, and to the fauna and flora that were sacrificed to make this beautiful euphoric moment possible.