SHOULD you be fearful due to breaking up with a Narcissistic woman?

Answer 1

I am sorry to tell you this, but YES, having fear is quite valid when you're breaking up with a narcissist.

I was married for over 20 years to one. I knew before I left him that there would be hell to pay, not only because I'd had a previous marital therapist we had went to tell me my husband had several prominent traits indicating he had NPD, but also because I'd tried leaving him a few years earlier and got an indication then, of how horribly vindictive an N. can be when you try to get out.


So I had an idea of what I was in for, but what transpired when I filed for divorce the 2nd time, exceeded my expectations. It took years to divorce him because he hired a cruel and vicious attorney and as an example of how abusive it was, I had to answer 52 sets of interrogatories, none of which had any factual merit; then, after the divorce was final, he kept me in court for the next 6 years, solid - every month I was brought back into the 3-ring legal circus (which was horribly humiliating as court was simply a new arena for similar abuse and accusations that I'd suffered throughout our marriage-and this time it was public). There was no real cause of action for any of those hearings (he filed over 125 motions against me, claiming all types of things and all I asked for from the beginning was a simple divorce and child support), but I learned real quick that if someone is a Narcissist and they have monetary resources - and if you have children with an N. - they will keep you in court until a) their money runs out; or b) they take so much away from you until they become thoroughly confident that you're completely emotionally and financially demolished. B) is what happened to me.


Besides the financial repercussions, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for all I went through in the relationship as well as "post-mortem"... it has taken me a good portion of my life to recoup emotionally. He also stalked me, and had one of his employees stalk me as well, and give him weekly reports of my comings and goings. - There was all types of harassment "by proxy" that occurred. Every individual he was aware of that was even remotely in my life after I left him, was investigated, followed and if he thought it was possible, he would try to talk to them and "spin" the reality of him and I. I actually had a few people believe him and turn on me-in a way that amazed me, but then again, an N. is multi-talented at manipulation. He made my life an absolute living hell and all that got me through it was knowing I had my kids and that one day it would be over - and no, the judge wouldn't help me, my attorney was exasperated, and the police got sick of it all. I simply endured it until he succeeded in alienating some people, confusing others, getting no child support at all, taking my property, and finally, losing my house and being forced to relocate.


But, the good news is this: I'm out, although the relationship and marriage plus the years of court following, in total, took up nearly 3 decades of my life. Here's the brightest diamond in it all, though: He was so hellbent on revenge and trying to destroy me when I finally left him, that he barely paid any attention to our kids during those years, and although yes, they have suffered from all this, his lack of contact with them gave me a golden opportunity to show them a different way of life-one of respect, honesty, openness, morality, and a 2-way street of communication and taking and giving. Living with an N., all you know is the one way street-THEIR way. It was exciting and wonderful to have the chance to bring up my kids the way they should have always been brought up. And they have turned out wonderfully as adults. They have a hard time communicating with him now, as they were raised totally differently from the way he operates. He is totally exasperated as to why he can't manipulate them or me anymore-but I simply went on and stayed on, the high, high road, something an N. never takes and is bewildered by.


My advice to you, is this: be overly cautious... better to err on the side of over-caution rather than not.. and I hope this is not a relationship of long duration, for the longer you're with an N., the harder they'll take the break-up. Think long and hard about your N.-what might you need to "give her" in order to ensure your own safety and make the break-up easier on yourself? I have heard of others in relationships with N's. trying to get away, play up to their vulnerabilities...for instance, perhaps you could take the stance of, "it's not you, it's me, for you are so wonderful, as you know"... I didn't go that route, & often I wonder if had I done that, he'd have slithered away sooner. You can never give them enough, that is for sure, as their cups are never, ever full!!-but perhaps instead of her manipulating the relationship, you can think about whether there are possibilities that exist for you to manipulate the break-up, to your benefit.


While I usually don't go for dishonesty of any sort, when you're leaving an N., you need to protect yourself, best that you can. So really think about how you may be able to play up to her grandiosity and get out intact, try to protect your assets, and if at the end of it all, it does turn out to be nasty as hell, remember this - even if you lose EVERYTHING, you got out!!To me, the saddest thing of all are the people who stay with an N. out of fear, until death parts them - that would be hell on earth to be elderly, frail and vulnerable, spending your last days on their one-way street, still catering to their each and every whim. I have seen couples like that, and it is profoundly sad for the victim.