What are some rich jokes?
Can i borrow some money?
Why? arent you super rich?
Yeah, im rich because i Don't give out money!
(i think its from the movie just go with it)
Why? arent you super rich?
Yeah, im rich because i Don't give out money!
(i think its from the movie just go with it)
1 person found this useful
Q: A building fell why? Answer: It got tired from standing. Q: A cat fell off a wall why? Answer: The wall ended. Q: Why was the joke behind the door? Answer: It was scared someone laughs at it. Q:There's a blue thing on the wall what is it? Answer: Fly with jeans One day a college professor was… greeting his new college class. Hestood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class wasa moron, and if they were, they should stand. After a minute ayoung man stood up. The professor then asked the kid if he actuallythought he was a moron. The kid replied, 'No, I just didn't want tosee you standing there all by yourself'. For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacherabout the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of theunborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made nocomment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about theimpending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap andasked, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sisteryou were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!" A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for acomplete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results."I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..." Three friends die in a car accident, and upon their arrival toheaven, they are all asked, "When you are in your casket and familyand friends are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear themsay about you? "The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was agreat doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderfulhusband and school teacher who made a huge difference in ourchildren of tomorrow." The last man replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'SMOVING!'" During a sharing time in the early part of a service, a visitoradmitted a shortcoming. "I'm a spendthrift. I just cannot keep anymoney in my pocket. I give it away as if it grew on trees. Pleasepray for me." "We certainly will," said the pastor, "right after we take up theoffering." A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked,multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes area tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's withoutshoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelryand his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the onlyvacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at himfor the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self conscious andbarks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old man...didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I wasyoung and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore,and made love with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son." This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes tovisit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.While standing in the middle of the Rail Road tracks one day, hehears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what itis. Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and isthrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with someminor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.After weeks in hospital recovering, he's at his friend's houseattending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenlyhears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from thecloset and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into anunrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus,rushes to the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desertman: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?" The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things whenthey're small." For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, facedeach other in a city park, until one day an angel came down fromheaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them,"and I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring youboth to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything youwant." With a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.The two approached each other a bit shyly , but soon dashed for thebushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling,laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the twostatues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "Youstill have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winkingconspiratorially. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the malestatue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon downand I'll mess on it's head." Creating Woman Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, soGod asked Adam, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was goingto give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said, "Thisperson will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will alwaysagree with every decision you make. She will bear you children andnever ask you to get up in the night to take care of them. She willnot nag, and will be the first to admit she was wrong when you'vehad a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freelygive you love and compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history. Three men were flying in a plane. One dropped out an apple theother dropped an orange and the other dropped a grenade. After landing they were walking down the street and saw a kidcrying. They asked him why he was crying and he said "an apple hitme in the head". Then they saw another kid crying he said "an orange hit me in thehead". Then they saw a kid laughing his head off and they asked him whatwas so funny he said, "I let one and my house blew up!" A father and baby polar bear were walking across the ice when thebaby polar bear said to his dad "Dad, am I part panda bear?" "No", replied his dad. "Well then, am I part brown bear?" Again his dad said no. A short time later the baby bear asked again, "Dad, maybe I'm partkoala bear?" The father getting annoyed said, "look son, I'm a polar bear, yourmums a polar bear. Why on earth do you keep asking for?!" "Because," the baby bear said, "I'm Bloody Freezing!" One day there were three ants, and they set out for their ownseparate journeys in a house. One ant went to the oven, the secondwent to the freezer, and the third went to the toilet. Later theymet again, and discussed their journeys: The first ant said "My journey was hot!" The second ant said "My journey was cold!" The third ant said "My journey was cool... until I almost drowned.But then a stroke of luck hit, from out of nowhere came this bigbrown log..." A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. Hestepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sensepulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said tohimself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handinghim his pack cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my sweet little hamster." Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the lastinstruction of the Mother Superior was that they must not get evena drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for awhile, the two nuns decide to lock the door, strip off theirhabits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, therewas a knock at the door. "Who is it?" called one of the nuns. "Blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harmcan come from letting a blind man into the room; they open thedoor. "Nice boobs," said the man. "Where do you want these blinds?" A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That`sthe ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the box and took anaisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to hersensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me" she fumed. The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant andshouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You`re right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and givehim a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold yourmonkey." why did the blond drive into the ditch? her blinkers were on. how do you kill a blonde? put a scratch and sniff in the bottom of a pool. A blonde walks into a hair salon wearing headphones. hairstylist said she can't wear headphones for the haircut. Blond replies : "I can't take them off! If I do, I'll die!" so the lady cuts around the headphones. meanwhile, the blonde falls asleep, so the lady thinks, "I'll just take them off and see what happens." She takes them off, and the next minute the blonde falls to the floor, dead. The lady puts on the headphones and guess what it was saying? "bj" From sifter444 Here u go! Yo mama! YO MOMMA SO STUPID * Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes * Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends * Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind * Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl * Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ! * Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved! * Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order! * Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone! * Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money! *yo momma so stupid she stared at the juice carton for three hours cause it said concentrate. * Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight! * Yo momma so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911" * Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. * Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K." * Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out. * Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread. * Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check. * Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. * Yo momma so stupid when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F and sometimes Wednesday too." * Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. * Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds! * Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch! * Yo momma so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. * Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead. * Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up. * Yo momma so stupid she couldn't read an audio book * Yo momma so stupid it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch. * Yo momma so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus * Yo momma so stupid it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg YO MOMMA SO FAT * Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up * Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. * Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone * Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world * Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy * Yo momma so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!" * Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized * Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway * Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller * Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th * Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! * Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. * Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. * Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code! * Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon! * Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! * Yo momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky! * Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitch's good side! * Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections! * Yo momma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book! * Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views! * Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family! * Yo momma so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil! * Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips! * Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks! * Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car! * Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans! * Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones. * Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on theother side just to get her through * Yo momma so fat when the bitch goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps. * Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures * Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard. * Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles. * Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow! * Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks. * Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!!! * Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet. YO MOMMA SO OLD * Yo momma so old I told her to act her own age, and she died. * Yo momma so old her social security number is 1! * Yo momma so old that when God said let the be light, she hit the switch' * Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class. * Yo momma so old she owes Jesus 3 bucks! * Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. * Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it. * Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince. * Yo momma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper. * Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals. * Yo momma so old and stupid she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said, "Li'l Mary will never amount to anything". * Yo momma so old shes blind from the big bang YO MAMA IS SO POOR * Yo momma so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving." * Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention! * Yo momma so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!!! * Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!" * Yo momma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway. * Yo momma so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp. * Yo momma so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage." * Yo momma so poor she drives a peanut. * Yo momma so poor burglars break in her house and leave money * Yo momma so poor you go out for Sunday pushes of the skateboard YO MAMA IS SO UGLY * Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals." * Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning. * Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. * Yo momma so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars. * Yo momma so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck * Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. * Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras * Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her. * Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday. * Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. * Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry. * Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours... for a quote! * Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out! * Yo momma so ugly The NHL banned her for life * Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween. * Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her. * Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away. * Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound. * Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye. *yo momma so ugly that when she looked into the mirror....it cracked!! *yo mamma so uncordinated she threw a rock at the floor and missed! *yo mamma so ugly she turned medusa to stone! *yo mamma is so ugly they had to put a metal box over her head but it broke then they taped dollar bills to her face the presidents on them ran away! ( Full Answer )
Redneck Joke 502: You might be a redneck if you throw a beer canout the truck window and your wife shoots it. Q:What do you call a Scots woman with one leg? A: Eileen. Q: How did the white boy come out of the grocery store with a sixpack? A: He walked in and payed for it. Q: Why don't whites tell… that many good jokes anymore? A: They want to keep their jobs. Q: What do you call it when whites riot? A: A hockey victory. Q: Why do whites own so many pets these days? A: President Lincoln made it illegal to own people. Q: Why can't white folks jump? A: They're too busy making jokes like these. What do you call a bunch of white people jumping out of a plane?Snow. Why don't white people like to swim? Because crackers get soggywhen they're wet. ( Full Answer )
Riddles How do you make a goldfish age? Remove the "g". What's the richest kind of air? Billionaire. What do skeletons say before a meal? Bone appetite. Why did the Skeleton go to the movies by himself? He had no body to go with him. What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef je…rky. Where do very smart hot dogs end up? On honor rolls. Why did the mother cat move her kittens? She didn't want to litter. What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus? A porky-pine. What's at the bottom of the ocean and shakes? A nervous wreck. What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff. Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he was feeling crumby. Which runs faster, hot or cold? Hot. Everyone can catch cold. Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game? Because all the fans have left. Why is a lost Dalmatian easily found? Because he's always spotted. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine! What did Zero say to Eight? Nice belt! What has ten letters and starts with gas? An automobile. What did the bee say to the flower? Hi, honey. What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? "You're too young to smoke." What's the connection between Winnie the Pooh and Atilla the Hunn? Same middle name! What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding only half of a worm in your apple. Story Jokes Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie. The genie grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home -- and poof!, he is back home. The second guy wishes the same thing -- and poof!, he is gone too. The third guy says, "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here." Knock-knock Jokes Knock Knock Who's There? Interrupting Cow Interrupting Cow Wh -- MOO Knock Knock Who's there? Olive Olive who? Olive you! Knock Knock Who's there? Boo Boo who? Don't cry, It's only a joke! Knock Knock Who's there? Tarzan Tarzan who? 'Tars and stripes forever. ( Full Answer )
It depends if your girl has a sense of humor. If you don't know, or she hasn't, then don't even go there! If she has then good luck! Girls like boys for other things as well!
why did the chicken cross the road?... to get to the other side why did the elephant cross the road?... it was the chickens day off why did the hedgehog cross the road?...he was stuck to the elephants foot a man walked into a bar... he said ouch! your mum is so fat when she falls down the stairs i…t sound like eastenders has started! an English man an Irish man and a scotts man walk into a bar, the barman said "is this some kind of joke" your mums so fat she fell over and broke the ricter scale ( Full Answer )
You go up to someone with weird clothes and say "Where's the train rec?" and then start looking around.
Yo Mama's like a library - open to the public. Yo Mama's so stupid she stole a free sample. Yo Mama's so stupid that when she saw a "Wet Floor" sign, she did. Yo Mama's so stupid she can't read an audio book. Yo Mama's so stupid she thought Thailand was a men's clothing store. Yo Mama's so… stupid she thought Meow Mix was a dance record by Cats. Yo Mama's so stupid she failed a survey. Yo Mama's so fat, when she backs up she beeps. Yo Mama's so fat she's on both sides of the family. Yo Mama's so fat her belly button has an echo. ( Full Answer )
Yo mama is so old, when I told her to act her age she died.
One lightbulb named Phil had really bad breath so he asked hisfriend if he had any mints and the response was, Really Phil, amint? This joke may be corny but Phil really needed a mint!
A Polak wanted to learn how to sky dive. ... ...He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the Polak to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The Polak unde…rstood and was ready. The time came to have the Polak jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the Polak that he would be right behind him. The Polak proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the Polak. The Polak seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?" ( Full Answer )
QUESTION: What is the least races animal? ANSWER: The Panda. Why? Because, it's Asian, black, and white! Chocolate Ice Cream(i don't take credit for this one, my friend told me :) LADY: can i have some chocolate ice cream? VENDOR: were all out. sorry. LADY: oh then ill have some choco…late ice cream. VENDOR: um did you hear me? were ALL OUT! LADY: oh in that case ill have some chocolate ice cream. VENDOR: ok. spell van, as in vanilla. LADY: v-a-n. VENDOR: good. now spell straw, as in strawberry. LADY: s-t-r-a-w. VENDOR: good! now spell f***, as in chocolate. LADY: but there is no F*** in chocolate! VENDOR: THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!!!!! ( Full Answer )
tell your dad you're pregnant and watch his reaction.. works especially well if your a boy.
My wife can't wrestle but you should see her box! My wife can't make a lemon manage BUT she sure can make a banana cream!
Q: What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? A: Finding only half a worm.
heres one: 'a gentleman died and went to the Pearly Gates. he saw St. Peter standing at a podium with a list in front of a wall of clocks. he asked about the wall and St. Peter replied "this is my wall of lie clocks." the man pointed to one clock that hadnt moved an inch and asked about it. St. Pete…r replied "that is Sister Mary Angela's clock. it hasn't moved an inch." he pointed to another clock and asked whose it was. St. Peter replied "that is St. John's. his only moved twice." then the gentleman asked "St. Peter, where is President Obamas clock?" and St. Peter promptly replied: "it is in Jesus's office. he's using it as a celeing fan." there ya go! enjoy!!! another one is: "A teacher asked her students how many of them would vote for Barack Obama. Everyone raised their hand except a boy named Timmy. 'Timmy, why wouldn't you vote for Barack Obama?' she asks. 'Well,' he says, 'my mom's a republican and my dad's a republican, so i guess i'm a republican.' The teacher says, ' timmy, you don't have to be everything your parents are. If your mom was an idiot and your dad was a moron, who would you be?' Timmy looks at her and says, 'a Barack Obama supporter.' DID NOT WRITE THE FIRST ONE ( Full Answer )
Q. Why did the Zommer cross the road? A. To get to the secondhand shop. Q. What do you call Katsumas who sleep on chandeliers? A. A light sleeper.
-Any time you hear a high voice, mention that it's Justin Bieber. -Justin Bieber used to be a Dog trainer. All he had to do was sing and any dog within a 34 mile radius would come flying. -Who's that girl singing? Oh...Wait...That's Justin Bieber -I called Justin Bieber gay, and he slapped me …with his purse. -In an interview with MTV News, Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe said that when he heard Justin Bieber sing for the first time, he thought he was a woman. That's ridiculous. Justin Bieber is not a woman. He's a girl. ( Full Answer )
Inside jokes are usually jokes that only you and a friend understand they usually arent funny to anyone else and a kind of you had to be there moment. So you kind of make them up yourself. Mine with a friend: blob...blob...CHOW! :)
A tourist visiting New York saw a restaurant which claimed it could supply any dish ordered, so he asked the waiter for kangaroo on toast. After a while the waiter came back and said "I'm sorry, sir we've run out of bread..." . Why do mother kangaroos hate wet weather? Their kids have to play insid…e. . What's the difference between an elephant and a kangaroo? The elephant has a better memory ... . What do you get if you cross and elephant with a kangaroo? Great big holes all over Australia! . Q. What book do kangaroos consult to find out about other kangaroos? A. Roos Who. ( Full Answer )
your in a room with metal walls no doors no windows only a table and mirror how do you get out ? you look in the mirror see what you saw you take out the saw cut the table in have 2 haves make a whole you jump throw the hole joke completely by Allysloan
A man asks his waiter "do you serve crabs here?" and the waiteranswers "yes, we serve all people." The homophone is the wordcrabs, either meaning a kind of shellfish or a grouchy person.
Your momma's so fat I ran out of gas trying to drive around her. Your momma's so fat when she walked into class she sat next to every1
It is not a joke althought some hoaxs have been made about it. Thoundands of people states that they have seen this ape.
Q: Why did the geologist get divorced? A: He took his wife for granite so she left him. Q: What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his rectal exam? A: No fracking way! Q: Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car? A: Because they get hammered and s…toned. Q: Why wasn't the geologist hungry? A: He lost his apatite. Q: Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? A: They consider a million years ago to be recent. Q: Where do geologists like to relax? A: In a rocking chair One Liners Geologists can be very sedimental Geologists never lose their luster! Geologists Dig Mother Earth. Geologists get their rocks off. Geologists do it on the rocks. Geologists make the bed rock Old geologists never die, they just recrystallize. Geologists will date anything. ( Full Answer )
Human stupidity jokes (betcha even adults would get thesewrong) What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint! What happened to the dachshund that was stepped on by a Germanshepherd? He died! (You might get better ones elsewhere but these are coming from ateen.)
Study the people who are good at it. Plenty of youtube videos outthere. The best MC's are the one's who MC comedy shows: search forRich Vos, Bob (Robert Kelly) Bill Burr, Jim Norton, PartriceO'neal, Bonnie Mcfarlane, Lisa Lampanelli, Bob Levy, Bob Saget,Otto & George...et al.
Q: Why did the Martian not get hired for the job? A: The boss thought that the Martian was too "green" for the job. Q: How do you deal with unruly Green kids? A: Put them in lime-out. Q: What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A: A pool table. Q: What's green …and sings? A: Elvis Parsley. Q: What is green and goes a hundred miles per hour? A: A fuel injected pickle. If you mean "green" as in environmentalism, here are some: Q: What pickup line did the environmentalist use with the woman in the SUV? A: Turning off your engine gets my motor running. Q: How do Prius owners drive? A: They drive with one hand on the wheel, and the other patting themselves on the back. Q: How do you know you are a bad recycler? A: You give the recycle bins to your kids to use as sleds. Q: How do oil companies deal with with tanker spills? A: Slick lawyers. Q: What do you get when you cross an environmentalist with direct action? A: Arrested! ( Full Answer )
Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins? A: A pair of Re-Bachs.. Q: Why did Beethoven kill his chicken? A: It kept saying Bach, Bach, Bach... . Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse but has the courage to get on again and continue riding? A: Bach in the saddle again.. … Two grave robbers decided to rob a grave. They find a nice grave and start digging. After they dug up the topsoil they found a hole and in the hole there was a man with wild white hair sitting in front of a piano. The man would play a couple notes then erase something on a piece of music. The two men, amazed beyond belief, yelled down to the man, 'Who are you, and what are you doing?' The man looked up and said... "I'M BACH, AND I'M DECOMPOSING!" . One Liners "This phone is baroque; please call Bach later." A note left for a pianist from his wife: Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet. ( Full Answer )
what does COLTS stand for C ount O n L osing T he S uperbowl
The French lesson. Two blondes meet and one of them greets:Bonjour, to which the other blonde replies: What is that ?The first woman explains that she is speaking French: Idiscovered that when I tune to Hilversum 1, and then turn thetuning knob a bit to the right, I hear a French station and I too…kthis up from listening it. A few weeks later the women meet again, and again the first blondesays Bonjour . This time her friend replies: Krgg,krgg, krgg, krgg , .. ( Full Answer )
The only get well soon joke is this. I hope you FELL better!! It's not the best joke on earth, butit's a joke... A doctor comes into the hospital room and says "I've got good newsand bad news" The patient says "What's the good news?" "They're going to name a disease after you!" How many doctors d…oes it take to change a light bulb? That dependson whether the light bulb has health insurance! A Short History of Medicine: "Doctor I have an ear-ache" 2000 BC - "Here, eat this root." 1000 BC - "That root is heathen - say this prayer." 1850 AD - "That prayer is superstition - drink this potion." 1940 AD - "That potion is quack medicine - take this pill." 1985 AD - "That pill is ineffective - take this antibiotic." 2000 AD - "That antibiotic is artificial - eat this root." ( Full Answer )
How can my brother throw a ball very hard and it comes right back to him, even though no one and nothing touches it... He throws it straight up.
Well you can try these: -LOL.com -funnysigns.com or you can try -Youtube.com, then search: "try not to laugh or grin", "nigahiga", "shane dawson", "lego batman"(forestfire101), or ask a friend about other websights with funny stuff or youtube-ers funny vidios
What has 114 legs and 15 teeth? Front row at Rupp Arena during a UK basketball game.
Q: What did the walrus say when he was late? A: "I would have been here sooner, but my iceberg hit a ship." Q: Why is the ocean blue? A: Because all the fish go blu, blu, blu. One day, a scuba diver was enjoying the aquatic world 30 feet underwater. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, wit…h no scuba gear on whatsoever. The diver went down to 60 feet, and noticed the guy headed down with him. The diver descended to 90 feet and saw the guy still headed down toward him. The diver finally stopped at 130 feet underwater and found the guy right next to him. The scuba diver was impressed that this guy was able to go so deep without any scuba gear, so he took his underwater slate and wrote, "How are you able to go to 130 feet underwater with any scuba equipment." When he showed to the him, the guy ripped the slate out of his hands and wrote, "I'm drowning you fool!" Q: How is a walrus like a banana? A: You'd better find out, because if you ever try to peel a walrus... Yo momma is so fat, when she jumped in the ocean the Whales started singing "We are family ..." ( Full Answer )
1. How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won't claim that god did it. 2. What did the atheist say in the afterlife? "I'm not here! This place doesn't exist. I don't believe in this… place. I'm not burning. Ouch!" 3. How does a Rationalist girl do her hair? In Big Bangs of course. 4. Why did the atheist cross the road? He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn't believe it until he tested his hypothesis. ( Full Answer )
Here's a Harry Potter related one: Your momma's so fat her patronus is a cake!
what kind of hat does a penguin where? an ice cap! what do you get when a canary gets caught in a lawnmower? shredded tweet why did the bird make fun of everyone? it was a mocking bird! what do you call a bird that's been eaten by a cat? a swallow! what do you call the second bird that's b…een eaten by a cat? an after dinner tweet! One day, a man walked into a bird shop carrying a beak. "I'm looking for a bird to match this beak." he said to the owner. "No problem," said the owner. "I've got one that will fit the bill." â where can you find out more about ducks? in a duck-tionary! why did the teacher send the duck out of the classroom? He was making wise quacks! how do baby birds know how to fly? They just wing it! if a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay? A bagel! why did the duck become a spy? He was good at quacking codes! Why did the rooster cross the road? To show that he wasn't a chicken! A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of lipstick. The cashier says, "that will be $1.94," and the duck replies," just put it on my bill." â what should you say if someone throws a goose at a duck? Duck, duck, goose! A magician has been working on a cruise ship doing the same act for many years. The audiences like him, and they change often enough that he doesn't have to worry about finding new tricks. But the captain's parrot sits in the back row and watches him night after night, year after year. after a while, the parrot figures out how the tricks work and start giving the secrets away to the audiences. When the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, for instance, the parrot squawks, "Behind his back! Behind his back!" Well, the magician gets really annoyed at this, but he doesn't know what to do since the parrot belongs to the captain. One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to grab hold of a plank of wood and floats on it. The parrot flies over and sits on the other end. They drift for 3 days without speaking. On the mourning of the 4th day, the parrot looks over at the magician and says, "Okay, I give up . Where did you hide the ship? â ( Full Answer )
YOU: Have you heard of the mexican that graduated from college ? OTHER GUY: no. YOU: neither did I
Here's one I found: Why do melons always have large weddings? They Cantaloupe! What did one melon say to the other melon? Nothing. Melons can't talk!
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: It was the chicken's day off! Q: Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building? A: Yes, because bulidings cannot jump! Q: Why was the salad embarrased? A: Because it saw the salad dressing! Q: What is a turkey's favorite kind of music? A: Plymout…h Rock! Q: On Thanksgiving, people hate seeing this before they eat, but love seeing this after they eat! What is it? A: An empty plate! ( Full Answer )
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. I've got to sit down and work out where I stand. If I save time, when do I get it back? Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
1. You're fat. And I'm not gonna sugarcoat it either...cuz your gonna eat that, too...
Caution, some of these may be inappropriate for young viewers: I was clearing out my late German Grandfather's closet and decided to give all his old clothes to the local charity shop. I handed over the bag of clothes to the shop assistant who was rummaging through it when a horrified express…ion formed on her face. "How dare you bring this uniform in to my shop" she exclaimed angrily. "This is a symbol of pain, shame and humiliation." Hugely embarrassed at this turn of events, I quickly took back the bag. "I'm truly sorry" I said. "I had no idea he was an Arsenal fan." . My daughter's new school uniform is really quite slutty. That's just one of the benefits of home-schooling. . I asked my girlfriend to dress up for me last night. She walked into the bedroom dressed up in a school uniform. I thought that she would have chosen something a little different considering she wears that 5 days a week anyway. . They say that women love a man in uniform. I think that's rubbish. I've been out clubbing in my McDonald's uniform for the last three nights and I haven't had any success. ( Full Answer )
two hydrogen atoms bumped into each other recently on Saturn. one said "why do you look so sad?" the other one said " i lost an electron" then the other one said "are you sure?" and then the other one said "i am positive"
Some Father's Day jokes are: . My Dad thinks he wears the trousers in our house, but it's always Mum who tells him which pair to put on! . You can tell it's almost Father's Day. The kids suddenly want to stop at all the garage sales. . Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-…on-a-rope. ~Bill Cosby . If you think about it, Jesus had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who's Everything? ( Full Answer )
A kid said to his dad: "We learned about Pluto and where it's located in the solar system, but my teacher said nothing about where Mickey is."
One cell said to the other cell, "I don't know how to multiply!" The other says, "It's easy, silly, just divide!" . Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" sh…e cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away, "We're down here! " ( Full Answer )
There are several examples of pinoy jokes. Mostly being in other languages and cultures so it is hard to translate the very best of them on here for this.
You can find a variety of open legs, legs open, and close your legs jokes online at websites such as Jokes and Search Quotes. You can also sign up for the jokes update from the Lots of Jokes website that will continually email you the latest jokes.