Why do pathological narcissists have such a weak ego?

Answer 1

Their weak ego is a product of a complex set of mechanisms developed at a very young age, sometimes called the False Self. The classic mirror reflection of the mythological Narcissus represents it well. The N is focused and obsessed with the false self and requires that all human interaction maintains it. When it doesn't, the N experiences a feeling bordering on feeling his life is threatened. Since the reflection is his "ego," threats to his ego are as inevitable as creating ripples in water when you step into it. This deals with why N's have a hard time with empathy and the ego needs of others. He is existentially focused on maintaining the water reflection and when other people demand their ego needs are met, they are asking him to disrupt his own ego. In other words they step into the water and disrupt the image he has of himself, causing existential stress and behaviors usually found in four-year-olds (the age when the pathology is thought to begin forming). Instead, the N expects everyone to maintain and support the false self, which means altering their own needs.

In the early formation of the False Self, anything around the child that is good, pleasurable or desirable, is automatically co-opted and interwoven while everything else is deflected. Come adult time, everything good surrounding the N (including YOU) is unconsciously taken for granted, and support the N's grandiose "identity." Since an autonomous ego was never formed, but instead was replaced by the false self, the good and desirable are co-opted and taken for granted (essentially stolen). Because of this the N lacks proper emotional context and contrast. This is why they fly off the handle so easily with minor slights. It's not that there's a genuine surge of anger, it's just what the N thinks is the right response; in other words they color things with black and white morality, but maintain very relativistic and changing morals for themselves. A minor irritation to someone else might seem like a threat to an N's life.

This "weak ego" might also be a manifestation of their grandiosity; if he can't show that he's brilliant, awesome, he will magnify the (real or imagined) faults of others. In this context he sees himself as Gulliver surrounded by Lilliputians. He's normal, everyone else is inadequate. This is seen more often than the N actually achieving anything grand. The Gulliver complex exposes a very weak ego and is a most unpleasant thing to be around.

Some mistakenly think there is a dormant, healthy ego lurking Behind the Scenes, waiting for effective therapy. This is laudable but wishful thinking. Think of an N's ego the way a tree curls and distorts around rocks and cliffs. There is no straight tall tree waiting inside, the warped tree IS the tree. It engaged in an adaptive survival mechanism and so do N's to adapt to early-life traumas (usually emotional abuse by parents but not necessarily).