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Answer listen to their feelingsYou can't.

Grieving is the most personal experience possible. It's a complex process of dealing with our own relationship with the deceased, facing our own demons, acknowledging our own mortality, dealing with the guilt associated with how we interacted with the deceased, and somehow facing the realization that the person that you love is gone and will never again be with you.

People will try to console you by saying things like, "God must have wanted her." Or, "She's in a better place now." Or any of the other trite sayings that are so inappropriate when someone is going through the worst possible experience in life. The reality is that it's a process that affects the very essence of an individual. Saying the wrong thing is worse than saying nothing.

If you want to be a friend to someone who has experienced the loss of a loved one:

First - recognize that you cannot possibly understand what he or she is going through.

Second - don't try to make it better. You can't. All you will do is alienate someone by trying to change what can't be changed. Many people, in circumstances such as this, will not react because they don't want to seem ungrateful for your attention, but the reality is that it hurts and there is nothing that you can do to make it better.

Third - just be there. Be a friend. Say "I'm sorry," but don't try to indicate in any way that you understand. Hugs are very appropriate. Sometimes people who are going through a very bad time dealing with their loss will feel alienated. Many people seem to avoid someone who is grieving. Maybe they feel that it is contagious; maybe they are so uncomfortable being around that extreme emotional pain that they avoid the person.

Fourth - try to understand that in many cases they are going through a physical pain as well as an emotional pain. While the pain never really goes away, they will eventually learn to deal with it. That's probably not a good thing to tell them right at the moment, but many people who are going through that kind of loss may not WANT the pain to go away right now. It's a reminder that something incredibly important has happened. That their life has changed forever.

After an appropriate amount of time, it may be necessary for some people to get medical or psychological help to deal with that kind of loss. The brain chemistry changes after being depressed for an extended period of time. Sometimes a person needs a little help getting back to normal. But don't even suggest that for a month or two.

ADDED 11-06-10 by MyGriefSpace.Net

COMPANIONING is the most successful way to help a loved one. Walk beside them on their journey with grief and listen more than you talk. It's okay to share your own experiences, but do not make comparisons because everyone's journey is different. They will need to talk about it long, long after many friends and family are tired of hearing about it and have faded away as resources for support, and it is not abnormal for them to still be talking about it a year or more down the road.

Do not take anything personally. Sometimes grievers are volatile, argumentive and angry for no apparent reason. Sometimes they will need space to grieve alone. And sometimes they will need to cry at times that make you uncomfortable such as in public, at work, etc. They will always need your unwavering support and encouragement to make their way forward. Do not wait for them to contact you, and instead contact them regularly for as long as needed.

And very importantly, remember that their loss is forever. Their loved one is never coming back and they will need to wean themselves from the living connection they had with their loved ones. And sometimes healing can feel to them like they are leaving their loved ones behind. They will not get over it through it or around it. Instead they will very slowly learn how to live with it, but it will likely always present certain challenges and sadness in their lives.

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