Can emotional and verbal abuse be so subtle mild and hidden it is extremely difficult to recognize?

Answer 1

What you describe is called "ambient or stealth abuse".

chances are if someone is visiting this site its because they FEEL abused, ANY type of abuse big or small, physical or emotional, or verbal, as silly-sounding or dangerous, IS ABUSE.

I had a husband who, after we were divorced, actually explained how much fun it was for him to watch the look on my face when he was subtly abusing me verbally.

I knew something was happening because I was so confused all the time and was losing my self esteem.

I still can't say specifically how he did it. He would demean me, and change the subject in the middle of a conversation, ask questions that didn't make any sense. The expression for it is 'gaslighting' someone -after the famous movie Gaslight. If possible you might want to get a copy of the film and play it

Abusive dynamics are insidious and difficult to recognise per se, unless we are mindful of our own (and others) boundaries, of what is and what is not acceptable conduct or treatment of another and so forth.

In the early stages we might look for excuses for poor behaviour, such as some offensive clanger that's come out of the blue or the "jokey" put-down we rationalise as just "fun".

But as someone pointed out earlier, our FEELINGS tell another story. If we feel offended, put down, shocked by something that seems jarring and incongruent and so forth, it probably IS indicative of a violation of our boundaries of one kind or another -- so our feelings in relation to another person are a good indicator of how we're being treated.

Some of us have been exposed to abuse in our childhoods or in prior relationships and we have a higher tolerance for emotionally abusive displays, in the sense that we don't perhaps immediately heed our feelings (out of confusion, familiarity of the conduct or just poor self esteem and a poor sense of our boundaries) and, like most people, we probably would prefer to give the transgressor the benefit of the doubt.

In this way, I think a lot of emotional abuse can be hard to spot for some of us -- both in those who are abusive towards us and in our own reactions.

Gaslighting is something I can relate to from my involvement with an exceedingly disturbed individual (an example, while cheating on me and betraying my trust this man was declaring "relationships are based on trust" where I sought to maintain some boundaries ... and later, when I began to suspect, he took on the "You're being hard on yourself" stance to deflecting my suspicions, leaving me feeling like I was crazy while he insisted "nothing" was going on and maintained his "love", before being unmasked for a fraud).

The violator of my trust was merely seeking to cover his tracks, so there's nothing particularly sophisticated in terms of subtlety, save for the fact that he was an exceedingly immoral person who lied exceptionally well -- even when caught redhanded, But that's the nature of the beast,

Once again, trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, IT IS WRONG.

Glaring or subtle, if it makes you uncomfortable or unhappy, steer clear of it.

Great discussion. I had a friend of 16 years whom I should have given the heave-ho years ago for similar reasons. I think some people like this may have Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder or Antisocial Personality Disorder. I suggest looking these up in Wikipedia.

Then we have the ever-popular preson, the passive-aggressive personality. They never overtly argue. One of their favorite tactics is the "left-handed compliment" The say things like "What a wonderful dinner, pity the dressing wasn't just a bit more moist." Or commenting on you appearance, "That dress looks nice on you, but don't you think it's just a bit too short?'and my favorite" You play a really good game of tennis. If you ever learn when to come to the net, you'll be a real threat."Living with a person like this is a challenge because if you confront them, they act all hurt." What did I do[ or say]?' Then you're the bad guy. You can't win with these people. They leave you qestioning your own self-worth or competence.Either ignore them, if you can, or find your validation elsewhere. They will never go to counseling because they "don't see the problem.