How do you tell your mother-in-law she taken over and acting like your kids mom?

Answer 1

Before you do this think about the family dynamics. Is your mother-in-law your full time babysitter, do you live with her, or is this an occasional problem when you visit.

Taking the above into consideration - how did the problem arise. Has she always been overbearing - did it come about over time - did she take on the role of substitute "mom" because you were not able to care for the children?

OK now that you have identified the problem and how it came to be, I would suggest saying nothing to her if this only happens occasionally (during visits) - but explain to your kids ahead of time that you are the mom and tho granny means well sometimes you and she disagree, when that happens you will be making the decisions and they will abide by them - then stick to your guns, gently but firmly.

If you live with her or she is your full-time babysitter the situation is trickier. You need to take back the job of being "mom" without damaging your relationship with her. You could try explaining to her (very gently) that you are concerned about her relationship with the kids. Grandma / grandkid is the most amazing relationship ever, and you want to protect that specialness by relieving her of the responsibility of trying to raise your kids. She should be leaving the work of bringing them up to you and their dad, supporting your decisions - while she enjoys them and loves them. Let her know how much you appreciate everything she does for you and them. Tell her you will continue to need her adviceand then don't forget to ask for it once in awhile.

You can also tell her the kids are acting confused by having to listen to two moms with different rules - that you feel it will be better for them to have one mom and a grandmother who supports mom.

You should also get your husband on board with this problem, he should have this conversation with his mom, along with you - supporting you, while helping his mother to see that the kids need her to be their grandmother.

I can only hope that she has fallen into this role accidentally - remember she has been a mom a lot longer than she has been a grandmother - some women have trouble switching gears and giving up the mom hat.

I have seen grandmothers who just take over, never really letting their kids learn to be the parent, while their daughters just go along with it and I have seen grandmothers who do everything in their power to take the role away from their daughters, putting their daughter and her decisions down rather than supporting her. I don't understand either of these 'grand-mothering styles' - I wouldn't give up the role I have - loving my grand-baby more than anything and supporting my daughter as she becomes the best mom she can be - for the world.

I hope you and your husband can make her see she is really missing out on the reward of just being a grandmother when she tries to be the mom.