If your wife is abusive and you have children is it wise to walk out even if it means leaving your children to suffer similar treatment alone?

Answer 1

Personally I could never "walk out" knowing I am leaving helpless children. What would stop the abuser from taking their anger at me, out on the children? In some states including mine. An adult is legally accountable, (a parent perhaps more so), to report known child abuse. I am not even going into the moral and ethical issues of this subject.

Other views:

I am the child of an extremely abusive mother and a father who walked away. I do not hate him, I love him and understand he made a decision. He thought it would be better to let things "settle" and not cause more "trouble."He couldn't stand it and felt he could do nothing so he took a backseat.My mother tried to destroy his life for years, tortured my sister and I for years...and then ... my sister suffered from anorexia and then killed herself at the age of 27 . I weigh 240 pounds and struggle with depression and can't pull my life together...forever living in fear and guilt of not being "good enough". My father realized his mistake at my sister's funeral where we were told that she mutilated herself for months before dying...this sounds very sad and it is but she really ruined us.Leave or stay but if you do leave, they will be "damaged"....and then you'll have the rest of your life to regret your decision. That's what my dad lives with everyday......

What do you mean by "wise"? It is a moral choice. It also depends on the balance between your love for yourself and your love for your children. Will she abuse the children in your absence? You bet.

Go see a therapist to help you sort out your head as fast as possible. Since you have left, you can pretty much take for granted she has turned her anger and abuse onto them. Who else is left who will put up with all that garbage? Don't wait to long, the longer you wait to be a strong parent, the harder it'll be.

Not an answer but further explanation of the dilemna How can you protect your children if your wife is using the legal system against you.

For instance, the mother is telling the children that I was abusing them. The children are 3 and 5 years old. Her brother is a bully and has altercations with his 3 sisters in public view.He enjoys controlling anyone that he can subdue under his strength; in particular if the victims are children. Further interesting is to see how no one in the family will call him on it. I did it on several occasions and he stopped doing it in front of me; but he will do it when I am not around. How do I know this?The children will ask 'why uncle is holding me like that'?

Interesting enough is to see that the 3 sisters allow the abuse to their own children; even during a family gathering and my own. I can not protect the children when they are away from me. It is my fault for marrying into a dysfunctional family and my children are paying the price. How stupid of me; the only thing I can do is to be for them when they become adults. It is my hope they will survive.

Thanks for the replies. Need to explain that she was more verbally abusive to me than kids. With kids she manipulated/controlled. Felt it was better to leave and get myself confident again so I could 'be there' for kids when they needed me. Otherwise we'd all sink. Is that wrong?

Is it wrong? Yes. Why would you leave your children behind? Abused women deal with this all the time, and generally, they take the kids too (or should). If the situation is bad for you, it will probably become bad for them when you leave and she has only them to take it out on. Get the children. It's your job to protect them. One reason you might leave the children is that in the UK at least - whatever the mothers behaviour the law is on their side and will likely be granted custody of the children if the authorities become involved. Also - the father is often ( not always ) the bread winner and taking the kids may mean leaving the job and taking them away to relative poverty - not something kids will understand or thank you for.

Answer 2

No. It is not wise, nor is it moral or ethical, or the right thing to do by any strecth of the imagination to leave children with an abusive parent. As a father, especially a father who knows the mother is abusive, you owe it to your children to protect them at all costs. It that means you stay with her (and the kids) until you can get proof of her abuse, find a way to bring them with you, then fight for custody, then you do it. And if she is abusive, proof will be easy to obtain, which will give you a much better chance of getting custody of them when you do leave her - bringing the children with you, of course.

It is really quite easy to record audio or video, or both, of encounters with another person without them even knowing you are doing it. Or you can install very small web cams in your home, which will be definite proof of her abuse. And if the web cams are placed strategically, she likely won't even find them. If you can't afford to purchase them, they are available for rent at many locations. And since it's your own home you're recording in, there shouldn't be any legal issues with it. So decide which way you want to go in obtaining proof, then do it. It shouldn't take very long to obtain all the proof you need, either, so it's not like you will have to stay there with her much longer. And, more importantly, your children won't, either.

And while you are obtaining the proof of abuse, you can use that time to form a plan as to where to move to, or even to have her leave the home and you and your children stay there. Quite often, but not always, the parent who has custody is the one who remains in the family home. But the bottom line is you have to protect your children. You, as a grown man, are able to stand up to your wife and defend yourself. But your children aren't able or capable of doing so, and her anger at you will be taken out on them if you leave them with her. So please, don't do that to your innocent, helpless children.